Things are moving right along at Horror-scope Central.
Our staff has been hard at work (more than usual) with the expectation of many holiday gifts from the management, including bonuses and more coffee breaks coupled with pastries.
We will be having an office party in the near future. Hopefully it won’t go bad like a few years ago when the monkeys decided that swinging from the florescent lights was the way to celebrate.
We hope this week’s predictions won’t upset you too much, (snicker, snicker).
But, we call them as we see them.
Aries… Venus is trine with Aries at this time. In the future, you will be known for your ability to wilt on command,like Dennis Miller.
Taurus…The moon is getting fuller now and brightens the evening sky. You will get a case of hay fever when you are hacked by someone hiding in a haystack.
Gemini… Mars is square with Gemini at this time. Hmmm. You will soon develop a close relationship with Gingivitis or, some other famous Greek.
Cancer… Saturn is rising now. Get ready for some embarrassment. You will soon feel that your shucking is shameful.
Leo… Uranus is at its perigee at this time. You will awaken to find that you have been adhered to a large sticky note.
Virgo… The Earth is hurtling toward another solstice at this time of year. Careful. Your enemies want to turn you into a vector drawing.
Libra… Mercury is in apogee at this moment. In the near future, your salad will be tossed with gravitas.
Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp with Scorpio. In the near future you will see something regal, a bald eagle and/or a small beagle.
Sagittarius… Pluto is in its fifth house at the moment getting ready for a holiday party. You will soon find yourself caught in a rain storm wearing only cotton candy.
Capricorn… Jupiter is descending this week and it’s getting queasy. You will soon find yourself with wet eyes in a dry gulch.
Aquarius… Neptune is tuning up for a holiday concert. You will soon have the uncontrollable urge to lift and separate.
Pisces… The Sun is on the cusp of Pisces now. Keep your eyes wide open for a certain business card, a pound of lard, and/or a cross crossing guard.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.