Aries… Mars is in transit across Venus now. You will awaken to find that you look exactly like your driver’s license photo.
Taurus… Neptune is in its eight house for an inspection. A pesky prairie dog named Dennis Miller will partake of your pralines.
Gemini… Mars and Venus are in opposition to Mercury and Saturn which is bad because tomorrow is their bridge tournament. You will be an instant hit in your next car crash.
Cancer… Uranus is on the cusp with a cuspidor. Watch it. The lumberjack you’re dating may be a timber wolf in disguise.
Leo… The Earth is approaching Pluto’s apogee. Your proclivity for Polish polo players may prove prophetic.
Virgo… Saturn is rising now. This week you will constantly think about your mommy, a mummy and Billy Mummy.
Libra… Pluto is happy in its seventh house. Remember, Cajun food doesn’t include blackened toast for breakfast, or does it?
Scorpio… Mercury is trine with itself right now. This week you will have the urge to catch, scratch and bake a batch.
Sagittarius… You have a heart of gold, and someone wants to trade it for cash.
Capricorn… Venus is planning to elope with Mercury. Your love of a leg of lamb will prompt you to buy it some pantyhose.
Aquarius… The moon is breaking wind right now. You will have a penchant for parchment, Parcheesi, and par boiled parsnips.
Pisces…Venus is square with the Triangle Nebula. Stay alert. You are being stalked by a zoo keeper.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”