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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Oct 27th, 2013


The celestial sphere has arranged itself in preparation for this year’s Halloween festivities.

Unfortunately, it indicates some rather bleak predictions.

So, get ready for some scary situations.

Happy Halloween!

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is getting ready for a big celestial Halloween party. Be on the alert this week.  Goblins want to turn you into ingredients for a deadly drink.

Taurus…Venus is shopping for a costume for the Halloween festivities. Be extra careful this week. A wicked witch wishes to bake you in a soufflé for Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is upset because it ordered a load of chocolate and it melted from being too close to the sun. Watch out.  A mad scientist wants to dissect you.

Cancer… The Moon is waning now. Here’s something you should know. You will awaken as a cockroach comfortably sleeping in a Roach Motel infested with bed bugs.

Leo… The Sun is chuckling because of Mercury’s mistake with some chocolate (see Gemini). You will be accepted into a med school…as a cadaver.

Virgo… Mercury is upset because it ordered a load of chocolate and it melted from being too close to the sun. Your luck will change shortly. You will soon be a cut-up at a dissection meeting.

Libra… Venus is overjoyed after being invited to the big celestial Halloween bash.  Keep writing, but keep a hammer handy. Soon you will create a best cellar.

Scorpio… Pluto is pumped up in anticipation of Halloween, his favorite time of the year. Be careful this week. Your pumpkin will try to carve you.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is out buying candy for trick or treaters. You will continually tell the following joke this week. Did you hear about the musician who got a job at a grave yard? He’s now making tune stones.

Capricorn… Saturn is hosting the celestial Halloween party. Be careful which mask you wear this year. It may just permanently adhere to your face.

Aquarius… Uranus can’t decide which costume to wear for the celestial Halloween ball. This week you will have the uncontrollable urge to gobble a goblin..

Pisces… Neptune Your life will change a lot in the near future. You will soon join a band of banshees.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Oct. 28th, 2012


Well Halloween is right around the corner. The planets are going to have a big party. They predict appropriate harrowing happenings for one and all.

Have a horror filled holiday.

Aries… Neptune can’t decide what costume to wear for Halloween. This week you will have the desire to embrace the entrails of fresh road kill in Skukill.

Taurus… Pluto has decided to buy a Snoopy costume for the big party. Be ready for many rumblings. Your kids won’t be happy when you suggest they trick or treat dressed as zippers.

Gemini… Mars is upset because it hasn’t received a party invitation. You’ll be a big hit at your Halloween party when you dress as a piñata.

Cancer… Venus has finally gotten her Halloween treats for the kiddies (little tins of ozone). Watch out. This week you will be plagued by a pirouetting pumpkin from Paducah carrying a pitchfork.

Leo… Mercury has decided to hand out last year’s Halloween leftover candy to unsuspecting visitors. Beware! You will be spooked by the scary skeleton of a scullery maid from Scranton.

Virgo… The Earth is in opposition with the decorating committee for the event this Wednesday. Forget your idea for a unique surprise for the trick or treaters this Halloween. They won’t appreciate little plastic bags of pus.

Libra… Uranus is making its own costume again this year. It will go to the party as the comet, Hale Bopp. Travel may be in your immediate future. You will have the urge to bob for apples in Appalachia on an Appaloosa.

Scorpio… Saturn is busy buying snacks for the big event this week. This Halloween you may just awaken to find that you are a wiggly worm attached to a wire hook dangling over a pond full of petulant piranhas.

Sagittarius… Mars is in opposition to all the other planets this week. Scorpion juggling is apparently in your immediate future.

Capricorn… Neptune is worried that it won’t be able to afford a costume for the party. It wants to go as the solar system. You will certainly win a prize for the most original costume when you go to the party dressed as scar tissue.

Aquarius…The Moon is busy carving its pumpkin. You will scare the socks off your Halloween party guests when you dawn your Dennis Miller mask.

 Pisces…Venus was supposed to mail out the invitations for the gala event this week, but she misplaced them. Your Halloween party game of  Bobbing for Bobcats will be a scream.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Horror-scopes

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