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Controversial Court Case Concluded


Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned

FOXBOROUGH, MA—

A full week after a federal judge overturned his four-game NFL suspension, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady noted with alarm Wednesday that he has been physically unable to stop smirking since the court’s ruling.

“I was obviously really happy when I heard the judge’s decision, but it’s seven days later and all the muscles in my face are still just stuck like this,” said Brady, grinning at reporters with visible fear and panic in his eyes.

“Yesterday, my wife came home upset about something that had happened earlier, and I physically could not stop smirking the whole time she was talking. Even now, I’m trying with every ounce of my strength to just stop smiling, and I can’t. I don’t know what to do—please, God, someone help me.”

At press time, after several hours of uncomfortable tossing and turning in bed, Brady had finally fallen asleep with a pained smirk still frozen on his face.

Found at: http://www.theonion.com/article/panicking-tom-brady-unable-stop-smirking-suspensio-51275

 Hmmm…

Tom Brady is wearing a smirk?

Some people still think he’s a jerk,

That under inflation,

Has swept the whole nation,

Others think he is a “Turk”.

 

To Tom the smirk is alarming,

To others it seems to be charming,

Is it pure luck,

That the smirk has just stuck?

It’s something that could be disarming.

 

There’s something about this man’s grinning,

He seems to be constantly winning,

The court went his way,

Now he can play,

Can this be a brand new beginning?

 

© 2015

Ronald J. Yarosh

All Rights Reserved

It is illegal to copy or use this poetry without the owner’s permission.

Matron Mulls Mortality


 

 

old lady

Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death

PORTLAND, ME—

In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.

“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.

“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”

Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.

Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/senior-citizen-keeps-mind-active-by-contemplating,38311/

 Hmmm…

Evelyn contemplates death,

Taking her last living breath;

When is her last day?

Could it be today?

It seems to have shades of Macbeth.

 

She thinks of the ways she could die,

And the people who would surely cry;

She thinks of folks gone,

Those who have moved on,

She doesn’t look back and ask why.

 

She does it for mental agility,

She hopes it will help her abilities;

She thinks about dying,

Without any crying,

Death has its own grave futility.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 15th, 2015


astrology

 

We are back with another round of unfortunate fortunes for you seekers of the weird and wild.

I trust you had (or are having, depending on your time zone), a happy Valentine’s Day.

If not, this week’s predictions may just be the icing on the cake you haven’t been looking for.

They range from dominos to gnomes.

Enjoy…if you can.

Aries… Uranus is down with the flu at this time. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will attend a Merchant Marine Academy hoping to become the Captain of a fellowship. Of course that will never happen. Your hopes will be dashed forever.

Taurus… Jupiter is aligned with Venus at the moment. This is unusual and foreboding for you. One morning, you will awaken to find that you have been changed into a dartboard at a local, busy, bar/pub. Ouch.

Gemini… Mars is depressed after being rejected by Venus. That foretells a bad experience for you. Someday, you will learn that money can’t buy love. So, you will try to steal love. An alarm will go off and your efforts will be thwarted by Cupid.

Cancer…Saturn is descending and near the cusp of Cancer. This spells trouble for you. Take note of this. One day, you will convince yourself that for the rest of your life you should dither with a zither. The International Zither Society will petition the courts to make you stop playing. You will lose all your money in a countersuit.

Leo… The Earth is trine with Leo now and that isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will design underwear made of feathers. You will take over the chicken farm industry to insure you have an ample supply. Unfortunately, you will lose all you money when the underwear produces a fowl odor.

Virgo… The Sun is on the cusp of Virgo now. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will be in danger in Dublin, causing you to shoot a derringer at a dirigible. You will be arrested for carrying too small a firearm.

Libra… Mercury is rising now from a deep sleep and a nightmare. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will find yourself being extra careful and alert, but your enemies will be successful in their efforts to make you incongruous. Let us know how that works out.

Scorpio… Venus is square with Scorpio at this time. This isn’t too good. It indicates trouble. Buy a large, rubber ducky float now. In the distant future, you will dicker with a doc on a dock about a certain clock wrapped in a frock. You will end up in the water, clock-less and clueless after being shocked.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in Sagittarius at this time. It feels queasy about it. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will approach a speaker’s platform wearing noting but platform shoes while carrying a naked gnome. You will be arrested for carrying a naked gnome without a permit. You’ll later see the viral video of your arrest on YouTube.

Capricorn… Mars is square with Capricorn now. That is always a bag sign for you. In the future, you will become a fashion guru who will shun all handbags in favor of foot bags you’ll design. Your fame will dwindle as people sue you, after tripping on the bag’s straps and buckles.

Aquarius… Pluto is in its fifth house now playing dominos with some friends. It’s losing badly. That foretells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will see something vulgar performed a vulture while on the Volga. It will disgust you and you will never be able to remove that image from your mind in spite of years of psychiatric counseling by Dennis Miller.

Pisces… Neptune is in its second house arguing with a renter over missed monthly payments. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will have the mistaken idea that if you sprinkle yeast on U.S. southern states, the south will rise again. You will be committed to a mental institution for observation for having a half-baked idea.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Fine Floor Fantasy Finally Fulfilled


Floors

EDINA, MN—

Moved by a grand and profound force to expand her maple-finish domain beyond its limited borders in the kitchen, area woman Linda Ellison finally achieved her own manifest destiny of hardwood floors throughout her home this week, sources confirmed.

“Though I understood it would be a long, arduous journey that would likely take many years to complete, I always knew deep down that one day, I would be able to look out across high-gloss, select-grade wood panels stretching all the way from the foyer to the back guest room,” said Ellison, who, despite numerous obstacles, never wavered in her pursuit of covering all 1,900 square feet of her ranch-style home in a varnished, light-tone flooring.

“Finding mold in the den underneath the old Berber carpeting and having to reroute some electrical work may have temporarily slowed us, but nothing could stop our advancement.”

“Now, at long last, every corner of the concrete subfloor has been covered in interlocking 2-and-a-quarter-inch hardwood, and this fated vision has become reality.”

Sources noted, however, that Ellison’s full-scale transformation of the household landscape had come at the cost of the forced relocation of her husband’s favorite recliner to the basement.

Found @

http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-fulfills-manifest-destiny-of-hardwood-floor,37711/

Hmmm…

A woman got some new floors,

Her carpeting would be no more,

It’s done in light tone,

To improve her home,

It’s something she really adores.

 

It took many years to complete,

The nineteen hundred square feet,

Now it’s installed,

From wall to wall,

It was a difficult feat.

 

It cost her husband his chair,

Which had been sitting right there,

It’s been relocated,

Perhaps it was hated,

Did he consider that fair?

 

Whatever the case may be,

The jobs done as we can see,

The work is now over,

And she sits in clover,

A manifest destiny.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Woman Walks Wire


Woman wire 2

woman walking wire

Here is a photo of Faith Dickey of Austin, Texas (USA), walking the wire during the Women’s Highline Meeting in the Czech Republic.

As you can see, she’s wearing high-heeled shoes.

And, she’s walking on the wire in the rain.

Found @:   http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/picturesoftheday/11324996/Pictures-of-the-day-5-January-2015.html?frame=3154089

And : http://www.catersnews.com/stories/amazing/talk-about-living-the-high-life-woman-fearlessly-tackles-highline-wearing-heels/

Hmmm…

Walking a wire in the rain,

The woman could not be restrained,

It has been revealed,

She did it in heels,

Her balance was surely sustained.

 

Faith carefully managed her fear,

While the ground wasn’t so near,

She survived her walk,

Faith does walk the talk,

The crowd reacted with cheers.

 

She is the first of her kind,

There’s no one else we could find,

Who wore her high heels,

While walking on steel,

Courage has been redefined.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: December 28th, 2014


astrology

 

Welcome back my fine weathered friends.

This is the last HORROR-Scope for 2014.

We studiously studied the Celestial Sphere (even more than usual) to give you the best advice possible to make your lives livable.

We’ve discovered that the planets are aligned in such a way as to indicate the best New Year’s Resolution for you for the upcoming year.

We hope you consider the suggestion.

Happy New Year to you all.

Enjoy

Aries … Mercury is rising now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to spend the rest of your life undulating, in spite of the fact that you will develop spinal problems as a result. Enjoy!

Taurus … Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to train your brain to dance. You will enjoy that, even while confined to a mental hospital.

Gemini … Saturn is on the cusp of Gemini now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to twiddle your toes as much as possible. It may cost you a bundle on podiatrist visits, but it will be worth it.

Cancer … The Moon is in Cancer at this time and feels depressed. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to satisfy your secret, unconscious urge to shave Dennis Miller, and/or all squirrels in your vicinity.

Leo … Mercury is in opposition to Leo now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to satisfy your desire to learn how to decoupage camouflage. The military will love it. They will enlist you for a lifetime.

Virgo … Venus is in its fifth house playing poker with some asteroids. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to satisfy your urge to plant farmers in a nearby field. You might be arrested for farming in a non-farming zone, but so what.

Libra … Jupiter is aligned with Libra at this time. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to put fringe on your fridge. The possibilities are unlimited. However you will glue your hands to the door.

Scorpio …Mars is rising now and on the cusp of Scorpio. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to take all your naps in a knapsack. You might lose your job when you sleep in and get to work late, but it’s worth the risk.

Sagittarius … Pluto is trine with Sagittarius now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to quit your job, then research and write a book called, “101 Uses For A Chicken Neck”. Let us know how that works out.

Capricorn …The Earth is nearing the cusp of Capricorn at this time. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to start a new religion based on headgear. You can call it, Helmetology. You’ll be surprised at how many people will think you’re odd.

Aquarius …The Sun is in its second house preparing for a future eclipse. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to write a book called, “How To Juggle Spleens For Fun And Profit”. All Internists will applaud you. But, you will be arrested for performing in public without a permit.

Pisces…Neptune is descending now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to write an explosive new book called, “How To Cook With Dynamite”. The government will probably ban it, and you could face jail time if indicted for possession of the substance, but it will be worth your time and effort.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Parents Pardon Pleases Perpetrator


House fire

VERONA, WI—

Despite his best efforts to conceal the damage, area teen, Kyle Towser, confirmed Wednesday that his parents could clearly tell he had a huge house fire while they were away for the weekend.

“I tried to cover it up before they came home by throwing blankets over the worst scorches on the floor and couches, but they could definitely smell smoke on me as soon as they came through the door,” said Towser, adding that what began as a small house fire soon got completely out of control and kept on going until well after 4 a.m.

“I mean, of course they were going to find out: The den, kitchen, and master bedroom are totally destroyed. Plus, the neighbors complained when it really started raging.”

Towser went on to say that his parents were surprisingly understanding since they had house fires when they were kids, too.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/returning-parents-can-tell-son-had-huge-house-fire,37647/

Hmmm…

Young Towser witnessed a fire,

The situation was dire,

His folks were away,

Not just for the a day,

It was something no one would desire.

 

He tried to cover the mess,

The fire caused him some stress,

Would mom and dad yell?

When detecting the smell?

It was anybody’s guess.

 

His parents took it quite well,

They had their own story to tell,

Of fires they had,

They weren’t so sad,

They had their own flames to quell.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Funny Fake Phone


s-NOPHONE 2s-NOPHONE-480x360

This Fake Phone Helps You Focus On Real Life

A phone that’s not a phone had raised more than $13,000 on Kickstarter as of Tuesday afternoon, well over its $5,000 original fundraising goal. The NoPhone lets you to avoid the horror of not having a smartphone in your hand by giving you a plastic phone-shaped block to hold instead of your usual iPhone or Android.

“Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand,” the New York City and Amsterdam-based designers deadpan on the Kickstarter page.

Like other pieces of plastic, the NoPhone is waterproof and non-addictive.

Van Gould, Ingmar Larsen and Ben Langeveld, the phone’s creators, told The Huffington Post in an email that they were inspired to make the NoPhone while drinking on a rooftop bar in New York City called 230 Fifth. They looked up from their phones and noticed that everyone else was holding their devices, too.

“You would have looked weird in this bar if you weren’t holding a phone,” they said. “That’s when we came up with the idea for the NoPhone.”

You may not be able to check Tinder on the NoPhone, but you might bother to look up — and end up having a drink with the person next to you instead. Then again, maybe not. Social instructions aren’t included.

The NoPhone isn’t the first product aimed at encouraging people to talk face to face. Last year, a bar in Brazil unveiled the Offline Glass — which has a chunk of its base cut out so that it can stand upright only when balanced on top of a phone.

“Smartphone addiction might be the one thing that we all have in common,” the NoPhone designers said.

The team said they are still looking into manufacturing options. For now, a $12 pledge on the Kickstarter will get you a NoPhone, to be delivered around December.

For an extra $6, you can add a reflective mirror for taking real-time selfies. And if you’re feeling fancy, you can “add a verbal hashtag by syncing your brain and vocal cords.”

Found @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/28/nophone-kickstarter_n_6057294.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird News

 

Hmmm…

A phone that’s not a phone,

For work or when not alone,

The concept may make you groan,

It’s for those who are phone prone.

 

It’s nothing more than a prop,

To help you when trying to stop,

From phoning people nonstop,

It won’t break when it is dropped.

 

It will cost you 12 US dollars,

To wean you from being a caller,

But withdrawal may make you holler,

If you work or are now a scholar.

 

A mirror will cost you six,

They’ll throw it into the mix,

However it won’t take pics,

It’s no way to get your kicks.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Perfect Partners Parting


couple

Study: Marriages Between Perfectly Matched Couples Should Still Only Last About 15 Years

ORLANDO, FL—

In a new study released Friday that challenges contemporary notions of marital satisfaction, researchers at the University of Central Florida found that unions even between perfectly matched couples should only last around 15 years.

“Contrary to the traditional idea of ‘until death do us part,’ our findings indicate that partners compatible in every way should nevertheless be married no longer than a decade and a half,” said lead researcher Dr. Hank Grossman, adding that the physical and emotional intimacy of marriage is “more or less fully depleted” by the 15-year mark, even among two people who could not have found a better fit than each other.

“The data suggests that the most personally fulfilled, satisfied couples—those who consider their partner their soul mate—choose to part ways before codependency or feelings of entrapment emerge. It’s fair to say that any marriage lasting more than 15 years is almost certainly a product of serious dysfunction.”

Grossman added that 15 years was the uppermost limit, and that two people who were truly meant to be together may exhaust their relationship in half that time.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-marriages-between-perfectly-matched-couples,37215/

Hmmm…

Divorce after fifteen years,

Could bring most couples to tears,

When they realize their fears,

That they’re like all their peers.

 

Even with the best soul mate,

Found on their first blind date,

A breakup will be their fate,

A marriage they won’t reinstate.

 

A study made it clear,

The results are quite severe,

It’s nothing to be cheered,

Their love will disappear.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

App Appreciated And Applauded


 App miles

Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What

LOS ALTOS, CA—

Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday.

“With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day.

“The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.”

Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/popular-new-exercise-app-just-tells-users-they-ran,37096/

Hmmm…

The Promiler app is now here,

It may cause some people to cheer,

It says you’ve run miles,

Which brings lots of smiles,

Then you’re ready to have a cold beer.

 

It tells you that you have just run,

It logs in the miles; oh what fun,

It’s something to get,

For miles to be met,

It tells all your friends what you’ve done.

 

It registers calories burned,

But not the applause that you’ve earned,

It’s something to try,

On health you rely,

So surely you should be concerned.

 

The device is designed to please,

You ran without even a wheeze,

The app does the work,

While you wear a smirk,

And dig in to burgers with cheese.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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