We are back with another round of unfortunate fortunes for you seekers of the weird and wild.
I trust you had (or are having, depending on your time zone), a happy Valentine’s Day.
If not, this week’s predictions may just be the icing on the cake you haven’t been looking for.
They range from dominos to gnomes.
Enjoy…if you can.
Aries… Uranus is down with the flu at this time. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will attend a Merchant Marine Academy hoping to become the Captain of a fellowship. Of course that will never happen. Your hopes will be dashed forever.
Taurus… Jupiter is aligned with Venus at the moment. This is unusual and foreboding for you. One morning, you will awaken to find that you have been changed into a dartboard at a local, busy, bar/pub. Ouch.
Gemini… Mars is depressed after being rejected by Venus. That foretells a bad experience for you. Someday, you will learn that money can’t buy love. So, you will try to steal love. An alarm will go off and your efforts will be thwarted by Cupid.
Cancer…Saturn is descending and near the cusp of Cancer. This spells trouble for you. Take note of this. One day, you will convince yourself that for the rest of your life you should dither with a zither. The International Zither Society will petition the courts to make you stop playing. You will lose all your money in a countersuit.
Leo… The Earth is trine with Leo now and that isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will design underwear made of feathers. You will take over the chicken farm industry to insure you have an ample supply. Unfortunately, you will lose all you money when the underwear produces a fowl odor.
Virgo… The Sun is on the cusp of Virgo now. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will be in danger in Dublin, causing you to shoot a derringer at a dirigible. You will be arrested for carrying too small a firearm.
Libra… Mercury is rising now from a deep sleep and a nightmare. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will find yourself being extra careful and alert, but your enemies will be successful in their efforts to make you incongruous. Let us know how that works out.
Scorpio… Venus is square with Scorpio at this time. This isn’t too good. It indicates trouble. Buy a large, rubber ducky float now. In the distant future, you will dicker with a doc on a dock about a certain clock wrapped in a frock. You will end up in the water, clock-less and clueless after being shocked.
Sagittarius… The Moon is in Sagittarius at this time. It feels queasy about it. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will approach a speaker’s platform wearing noting but platform shoes while carrying a naked gnome. You will be arrested for carrying a naked gnome without a permit. You’ll later see the viral video of your arrest on YouTube.
Capricorn… Mars is square with Capricorn now. That is always a bag sign for you. In the future, you will become a fashion guru who will shun all handbags in favor of foot bags you’ll design. Your fame will dwindle as people sue you, after tripping on the bag’s straps and buckles.
Aquarius… Pluto is in its fifth house now playing dominos with some friends. It’s losing badly. That foretells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will see something vulgar performed a vulture while on the Volga. It will disgust you and you will never be able to remove that image from your mind in spite of years of psychiatric counseling by Dennis Miller.
Pisces… Neptune is in its second house arguing with a renter over missed monthly payments. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will have the mistaken idea that if you sprinkle yeast on U.S. southern states, the south will rise again. You will be committed to a mental institution for observation for having a half-baked idea.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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