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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 22nd 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all you lovers of whimsy and what not.

We have another HORROR – Scope for you.

The charts have been scoured by the hour to find a best in unfortunate circumstances for you unfortunate creatures.

Which is something you should be used to by now if you have been following Your HORROR – Scope for any length of time.

This week’s framework of fortunes includes: snowshoes, toe jam, and the ever popular, politician.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is square and in opposition to Aries. That’s not a good sign for an Aries, or a polyglot. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, “gaggle” in public…especially when geese are about.

Taurus… Uranus is in quasi-modal position now. That’s always bad for a Taurus, or any scab picker. In the future, you’ll find yourself studying mosaic tiles in an attempt to learn more about Moses. You will be ridiculed and avoided, but you’ll have a very nice floor in your home.

Gemini… Mars is semi-distal now and a square with Gemini. That’s always a bad sign for a Gemini, or a dead cat juggler. In the future, you will become so weak you won’t even be able to raise your blood pressure. You will end up in a hospital bed next to a raving heathen wearing snowshoes.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-distal mode now, and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or any crop duster pilot. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Wallow With Your Wallet”. Only a few pig farmers will buy a copy. You will give up eating pork afterwards.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition and equidistant to Leo at this time. That is not good for a Leo, or any fish farmer. One day in the future, you will find yourself involved with onions or grunions. In either case, it will be an awfully smelly situation, which will linger for a long time.

Virgo… Mercury is in digression now and hyper extended. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo, or a tree root sucker. In the future, you will open a business selling Jewelry for Jowls. Your only customer will be Dennis Miller. You will lose everything. Well, at least you will have tried.

Libra… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this point and can’t get back into alignment. That’s not good for a Libra, or a toe jam collector. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pet A Pickerel”. Only a few fishermen and Weird Al will buy a copy. You will consider your efforts in vain.

Scorpio… Pluto is in diametric opposition to Scorpio now. That’s very bad for a Scorpio, or a duck billed platypus. In the future, you will discover someone you know from Kokomo who plays the banjo for hobos. He will be a con man who will steal everything from you. At least you’ll have your health… for a while.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in sub-conjunctive mode at this time. That’s not good for a Sagittarius, or any wino in Seattle. In the future you’ll be embarrassed to say the word, pneumatic in public. As a result, you will shun association with others.

Capricorn… Venus is on the cusp of Capricorn but in opposition to Jupiter. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn, or any suppository salesman. In the future, you will shock yourself with a Tesla coil to energize yourself. The electrons in your body will revolt causing you to go into convulsions, or a nearby convenience store. It isn’t clear.

Aquarius… Uranus is in trilateral opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not a good sign for an Aquarius, or the target of a circus, blindfolded knife thrower. In the future, you will urge someone to name their child after the Hoover Dam, but they won’t be comfortable with the word, Dam. As a result, they will shun you.

Pisces… The Earth is in diametrical opposition and on the cusp of Pisces. That combination is always bad for a Pisces, or a whale surfer. One day, you will meet an electrician or a politician. In either case you’ll be shocked by their antics

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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The Fortune Cookie For: Feb. 4th, 2015


cookie

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“An honest politician is often an oxymoron.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Fortune Cookie, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 1st, 2015


astrology

Hello fellow sky watchers.

Here is your weekly plethora of predictions for your pleasure.

This week’s list includes cattle, trout, and a croissant.

I know it sounds weird, but that’s how the cookie crumbles this week.

Enjoy, and try to persevere. It’s more fun that way.

Aries… Uranus is trine with Aries now. That portends problems. In the future, you will get a ticket for Cattle driving without a license. You will seek the advice of a cowboy who will hog tie you.

Taurus…Mercury is descending at this time. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will become a Physical Therapist for “Lame Duck” politicians. They will attempt to swindle you out of all your money. One will succeed.

Gemini… Mars is rising now and is getting light headed. That’s not too good. One day, a cocky kangaroo will kick you after you pickpocket its pouch. It will hurt a lot. Ouch!

Cancer…The Moon is in its eighth house planning its next eclipse. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will try to get your pet trout into the Olympics, but the swim coach won’t go along with it. In fact the team will eat it after a hard days workout.

Leo…Jupiter is aligned with Mars again. That spells trouble. In the far future, you will become weary of a certain fairy while at a dairy. The fairy will milk you for all you are worth.

Virgo…Uranus is in its second house getting it ready for new renters. That could produce a problem for you. One day, you will buy a potbelly stove or a potbelly pig. Either way it will be quite messy, and smelly.

Libra…Saturn is on the cusp of Libra now. That’s too bad. One morning you will awaken, convinced that you are Napoleon Bonaparte. You will immediately rush out and order a café au lait and a croissant. You will then be arrested for being naked in a coffee shop without a permit.

Scorpio…The Sun is square with Scorpio at this time. That spells trouble. Some day, you will open a culinary school for squirrels, but they will drive you nuts and you will close it, losing all of your investment.

Sagittarius …Venus is in opposition to Sagittarius now. Too bad for you. In the distant future, you will decide to spend the rest of your life searching for the brink of dawn. You’ll never find it and you will end up penniless.

Capricorn… Pluto is at the vet’s office now. That portends problems. In the not too distant future, will spend months writing a non-fiction book called “A Year In The Life Of A Pet Rock”. All your notes will say the same thing, “Day One, it’s just sitting there. Day two, it’s still sitting there.” etc. You will finally give up, never noticing that it rocks at night while you are asleep.

Aquarius… Neptune is approaching the cusp of Pisces now. That spells trouble. In the future, will petition the government to establish a National Radiation Day to celebrate the power of the atom, (especially gamma rays). You will be the first to be radiated. Your “half life” will then begin.

Pisces… The Earth is aligned with Pisces now. That portends trouble. In the future, will try to convince the government that they should conduct a Zombie Census. Many politicians will tell you to count them in on it. Shortly after the census, you will be attacked by one of the undead (perhaps Dennis Miller).

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Nov. 4th, 2012


It’s election time here in the U.S. of A. Candidates are vying for various offices in a variety of venues across the country.

The planets are aware of this phenomenon. They have special information for you this week which will help you decide who not to vote for.

Your election dates may vary, but the planets indicate that the dirty little secrets revealed here still apply.

Aries… Your favorite candidate will reveal that he once dated a lovely little leprechaun in lower Louisiana.

Taurus… Your candidate’s dreams of a political triumph will be destroyed when her adviser reveals that walruses don’t usually vote (except in Chicago).

Gemini… Your favorite politician spent his re-election funds buying all the chocolate in the country to entice the Oompa Loompa vote.

Cancer… Your Senator voted for a billion dollar boondoggle in Botswana.

Leo… Your favorite politician sold his soul to the devil. The demon wants his money back after finding out that the guy’s soul is defective.

Virgo… You will  be shocked to learn that your State Senator voted for additional funding for research on pancakes, Popsicles, and Pooper Scoopers.

Libra… Your favorite politician wants you to send him money to buy some ethics, but he’ll spend the money on loose women and Dennis Miller memorabilia.

Scorpio… The politician you want to vote for accosted a colorful cat for more per-diem.

Sagittarius… Your favorite politician will soon be arrested for contributing government money to his favorite frat party at Delta House.

Capricorn… Your senatorial candidate will bring all his wrinkled clothing to a press conference.

Aquarius… Your favorite congressman will offer everyone in her district a free Dumpster-in-a-Bag if they vote for her.

Pisces… The politician you favor will be quoted as saying, “Our constitution is suffering from constipation.”

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

2012 National Elections, Horror-scopes

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