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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 24th, 2014


Welcome fellow star gazers.

Here’s this weeks potful of portends.

We hope you enjoy them.

Pay attention, and be alert.

The stars can be fickle at times.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in its fifth house waiting for a realtor. In the future, you will become part of the brain drain after you enemies get hold of you.

Taurus… Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. That’s not too good. In the not too distant future you will have wandering eyes. They will wander into the desert and get sun blinded for a long time.

Gemini… The Earth is trine with Gemini now. In the not long from now e you will travel miles and miles to meet a man named Miles.

Cancer… Mars is in opposition to Cancer now and that is foreboding. In the future, your bladder will act up. As punishment, you’ll send it to it’s room without supper to listen to Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is square with Leo now. This means travel for you. In the distant future, you will have a brief encounter with a brief case in a briefing room while wearing nothing but briefs.

Virgo… Saturn is descending and dissenting at this moment. In the future, you will unsuccessfully try to attach yourself to a corset, or a cerebral cortex. It could go either way, and it won’t be pleasant.

Libra… Mars is in its second house cooking dinner for Uranus. This portends a musical endeavor. Therefore, in the future, you will mistakenly try to use poultry drum sticks on your ear drums.

Scorpio… The Moon is in its eighth house having a rummage sale. You may get weak in the knees over this. In the future, you will kick yourself for not getting knee braces when you had the opportunity.

Sagittarius… Neptune is trine with Sagittarius at this time. In the future, you will suffer from a short spasm of arrhythmia just after taking a music lesson.

Capricorn… Jupiter is aligned with Mars again and is happy about it. In the distant future, you will hire a building contractor in an attempt to improve your poor sentence structure.

Aquarius… Venus is on the cusp of Aquarius at this time. In the future something will amaze you, making your jaw drop. It will then roll under a large, heavy couch and it will be difficult to retrieve it. You will talk funny for a while afterwards.

Pisces… Mercury is in its third house having the roof inspected. You will awaken one morning to find that when you speak, you sound exactly like President Richard Nixon when he reached puberty.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Mar 31st, 2013


Aries… The Moon is in its seventh house. People are conspiring to have your bones removed.

Taurus… Mercury is rising now. You will have frogs legs at lunch. Later your legs will change back to normal.

Gemini…  The Earth is in its fifth house this week. Someone wants to warm the cockles of your heart. Don’t let them. They want to do it with a flame thrower.

Cancer… Venus is in opposition to the Earth now. Watch out for ghostly gables, jumper cables, and someone telling ancient fables.

Leo… Pluto is square with the moon. Sorry your information is incorrect. Sea otters eat abalone not fried baloney. Tell that to Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Saturn is descending now. You will awaken to find yourself unplugged.

Libra… Uranus is in its eighth house. You will have a tendency to be lean, mean and consume some Mr. Clean.

Scorpio… Neptune is at right angles to Venus. Watch out for a cleege light, a menacing mosquito bite, and an over active overbite.

Sagittarius… Mars is square with a right triangle. Be aware of fairies, canaries, and dromedaries.

Capricorn… Mercury is on the cusp now with the Moon. Careful. Someone wants to dismantle you and put up a high rise building.

Aquarius… Pluto is not favorable to all Aquarians. A Realtor you know will turn out to be a groundhog.

Pisces…The Earth is rising now. Your idea for a theme park based on foot orthotics will not go anywhere.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Oct. 14th, 2012


This week the stellar stars shoot for stunning starlit alliterations in the constellations without constant consternation or constipation.

Hopefully you will have happy, humorous and heartwarming Horror-scopic happenings…

Aries… Saturn is preparing for Halloween. Your date with succulent steamed veggies will go terribly wrong when you suddenly become ravishingly hungry.

Taurus… Jupiter is shopping for a new moon. You will awaken to find yourself on the Canadian border smothered in cold, clammy, Canadian bacon.

Gemini… Saturn is having its rings polished. You will be involved in some chicanery with a chickpea eating chicken in Chicopee, Massachusetts.

Cancer… The moon is going in for maintenance this week. You suddenly have a penchant for parchment, Parcheesi, and par boiled parsnips.

Leo… Mars is on the verge of Venus. While on vacation, you will vie for a viaduct near a villa in Veracruz.

Virgo… Mercury is pondering over appearing in a Reality Show. Your darling doggie wants to do its dastardly doody on the doorstep of Dennis Miller.

Libra… The Earth in its ninth house with a Realtor  You will engage in cogent conversations with a toastmaster, a milquetoast, and Post Toasties.

Scorpio… Pluto hasn’t gotten much sleep lately and is grumpy. Your date with a transient Techno Geek will go wrong when he/she tries to troubleshoot you.

Sagittarius…. Neptune  is considering taking up painting as a hobby. You will awkwardly awaken to discover  that you are a hoax.

Capricorn… Jupiter is thinking of switching orbits with Mars. You will be stopped in your tricky tracks while paying taxes in Texas.

Aquarius… The moon is going in for maintenance this week. You suddenly have a penchant for parchment, Parcheesi, and par boiled parsnips.

Pisces… Mars is having its third house redecorated. You will pucker up to a hockey puck in Pawtucket, Paducah, and Patagonia.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Horror-scopes

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