Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 28th, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello once again.

We hope you had a fruitful… or vegetable week.

My staff has been working very hard on this week’s prognostications.

However, the outlook isn’t any better than it was last week.

This week’s fortunes include: flax seed, knee joints and the ever popular, worms.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries but square with Virgo. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. Sometime in the future, your ultrasound will fall on deaf ears.

Taurus… Neptune is in hyperlink phase now and in opposition to Taurus. That is never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully.

Gemini… Mercury is square with Gemini and descending at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Be Pithy In A Pith Helmet”. You will only sell one copy to a Safari organizer. You will be very disappointed.

Cancer… The Moon has decided to become multiphasic in the future. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will fight with yourself over the concept of verisimilitude. The conflict will go on for months. Good luck with that.

Leo… The Sun is in its hyper-plasticity mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Virgo… Mars is hyper-plegic mode now. That foretells problems for all Virgos. One day in the future, a Garmin will mistakenly take you to a garment district. You will be hopelessly lost for months, like Dennis Miller.

Libra… Venus is in opposition to Libra now and square with Aquarius. That’s not a good combination for a Libra. In the future, an insane photographer will shoot you from a low angle. Watch out. He won’t be using a camera.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and descending rapidly. That combination is not good for you. In the distant future, you will awaken to find that your ankles have been stolen and replaced with knee joints. It will take many months and lots of physical therapy to get used to your new configuration.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in divergent mode now against Libra and Sagittarius. That requires extra caution on your part. In the future, you will wrestle with a problem…you will lose in three falls.

Capricorn… The Earth is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the somewhat distant future, The Vice Squad will arrest you when they see you looking at something with your naked eyes. You will spend the night in jail.

Aquarius… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That always means trouble for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become a world famous worm whisperer. You will find yourself underground most of the time in wet, mucky areas.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces and misaligned with Jupiter. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. You will be whisked away to a mental institution.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 1st 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome again, my friends of the past, the present, and of course, the future.

I bring you another week’s worth of wackiness and wonder.

The celestial charts have not been kind to you.

You should be used to that by now.

This weeks renderings will bring you thoughts on earlobes, smirking, and the ever popular, General Grievous.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in opposition to Ares now and square to it. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Leap Like a Lemming”. You will sell many copies of the book, only to lose everything when you are sued by readers who have sustained injuries following your advice.

Taurus… Uranus is in semi-diurnal mode now. That’s never good for a Taurus. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Smirk for Fun and Profit”. Many politicians will buy your book. But, you will later be sued by them when they fail to get re-elected. It will be a messy court battle. As a result, you will lose everything.

Gemini… Mercury is in di-modal compensation now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to File a Grievance against General Grievous”. Only a few Star Wars fans will buy a copy. It will put an end to your writing career.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadra-helix mode now. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will be embarrassed to say the word “morsel” in public. You may just become a loaner.

Leo… The Sun is in hyper-extension mode now. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will be laughed at when you try to sell your Sunday sales papers to a yachtsman. Think about it. You will be ridiculed.

Virgo… Mars is square with Virgo and hyper-extended at this time. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “101 Earlobe Exercises”. You will lose all when a group of ENT physicians sue you for fraud.

Libra… Venus is in tri-modal descendance now. That’s never good for a Libra. One day, you will become confused. You will not know the difference between a cataract and a Cadillac. You will then drive your Caddy into an Ophthalmologist’s office. You will be sued when several people sustained minor injuries. You will not be happy with the outcome.

Scorpio… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and Scorpio. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Cure Warts by Sleeping With Toads”. You will only sell one copy… to a dermatologist. You will be stuck with the other 1999 copies.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in high orbital convergence now and on the cusp of Sagittarius. That’s a bad sign for a Sagittarian. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to Polish Shinbones for Fun and Profit.” Only a few orthopedic surgeons, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… The Earth is in hyper-dexiconic mode now. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will either flip pancakes or houses. Either way you’ll get burnt. Well at least you will have tried.

Aquarius… In the future, you will do magic tricks for geriatric patients. Unfortunately, most of them will fall asleep during your performance. You will walk away depressed.

Pisces… In the future, a filling in one of your teeth will suddenly start picking up radio stations day and night. The commercials will drive you crazy. You will seek the aid of a dentist who will advise you to become a disc jockey.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – SCOPE for the week of: Mar. 27th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello everyone.

Welcome to another week’s worth of wonderment.

Some of you, who spend a lot of time involved in astrology, may notice this week’s charts are not that much different then those published in the Farmer’s Almanac on June 13, 1873. 

If you do notice such similarities, I pity you. You’ve wasted a lot of frivolous time.

This week’s aggregate of angst includes: barbells, whistling, and the ever popular pickerel.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is semi-transitional now and on the cusp of the Aries. That isn’t a good sign for an Aries. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pasta And Pickerels – A Winning Combination”.

Taurus… Mercury is in its fourth House arguing with an interior designer over what color drapes it should purchase. That’s not good for you. Sometime in the future, you will marry a goose farmer and come up with the idea for a new book called, “How To Get Down With Down”. Only a few bedding company executives will buy a copy. You will spend many hours of your days fluffing feathers.

Gemini… Venus is in high transitional orbit now. That’s never a good sign for Gemini. In the future, people will think you are odd when you try to get even with someone. They will be disappointed in you. You will lose many friends.

Cancer… The Moon is in its third house having some floors refinished. It’s not going well. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Play The Barbells For Fun And Profit”. Only a few weightlifters and bodybuilders will buy a copy. Depression will set in.

Leo… The Sun is in its eighth house due to an air conditioning problem. It will cost a fortune to fix it. That’s not a good sign for a Leo. In the distant future, you will get a rash or find some trash. Either way, as a result, you’ll be scratching a lot.

Virgo… Mars is in its second house having the roof inspected. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. In the far distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “The Philosophy Of Pickerels”. You will only sell a couple of copies to some university professors. You and your fish will not be happy.

Libra… Pluto is in its second house arguing with a plumber over the price of re-piping the whole place. It’s not going well. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will be involved with a gravesite or a gun site. Either way you’ll have to dig yourself out of trouble. Good luck with that.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at an alarming rate. It’s getting nervous. That’s not good for a Scorpio. Sometime in the future, you will form, The Diddly-Squat Foundation, where people can send in their hard earned money so that others can get a foundation grant and then do “diddly-squat”. You will not be happy about that.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in his fourth house meeting with a contractor after a meteor shower. It’s not going very well. That spells trouble for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Recycle Your Cycle.” In spite of your attempts to pedal those books, you will only sell a few copies to a couple of Tour de France competitors.

Capricorn… Mars is in tri-orbital mode now. That’s never good for Capricorn. One day in the future, you will place your residence on the market. It will not sell for months. You‘ll finally realize the Stock Market isn’t the place to sell a home. You’ll be greatly embarrassed.

Aquarius… Saturn is in semi-prolongation mode now. It’s never good for an Aquarius. In the future, you will spend an entire month whistling songs whose titles will baffle you. It will drive you bananas. You’ll finally seek psychiatric help. Unfortunately, as a result, both you and the psychiatrist will end up whistling songs whose titles will baffle the both of you.

Pisces… Neptune is trying to bi-locate at this time. It is not going well. That’s bad for you. Sometime in the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Promote A Pickerel”. You will only sell a few copies to some fishermen, and one to Dennis Miller. Your friends and family will think you are odd.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Mar. 6th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again my futuristic friends.

Once again we have a selection of prognostications for your future enjoyment.

This week’s list includes a flytrap, a card game, and the ever popular spats.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in its first house dealing with a computer problem. It’s not going well. That’s a bad sign for you. In the future your scholarship will sink and you will be banned from maritime activities. And, you’ll never finish your degree.

Taurus… Venus is stuck in a flytrap. That’s never a good sign. In the future, after a trip to Arizona, you will glue pins and needles to your body and become a human cactus.

Gemini… The Earth is in hyper drive now in can’t slow down. That’s a bad sign for a Gemini. In the future you will you will meet an alchemist named Al in Alabama. He will try to turn you into gold. He won’t succeed, but you’ll have the taste of lead in your mouth for years.

Cancer… The Moon in its fifth house waiting for an interior designer to arrive. He’s running late. That’s not a good sign for a cancer. In the future you will you will find your self at a coliseum or a mausoleum. In either case the outcome will be bad. Let us know how that works out for you.

Leo… The Sun is experiencing a solar storm right now. That’s not a good sign for a Leo. In the future you will come the conclusion that everyone else Is thoroughly insignificant. You will lose many friends. Depression will set in.

Virgo… Neptune is in its second house having the floors refinished. It’s not going well. That’s a bad sign for a Virgo. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Can Your Juicy Fruit Gum”. Your sales will reach a bubble, then collapse. You will lose all.

Libra… Mars is in its eighth house playing poker with some friends and losing badly. That’s not a good sign for Libra. One day you will make a wish while full of anguish. It will come true and you’ll be sad for a long time.

Scorpio… Uranus is having a bipolar episode at the moment. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will open a store to sell spats to sports enthusiasts. You will get a lot so stares but no sales.

Sagittarius… Mercury is complaining about the heat again. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Hot To Squat Like A Sasquatch”. Only a few woodsmen will buy a copy. Depression will overcome you.

Capricorn… In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Date Your Date Using Carbon –14”. People will not like the idea at all.  You will become lonely and destitute.

Aquarius… Mars is on the cusp of Aquarius and in opposition to it. That’s never a good sign. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Fry Frog Meat In The Fog For Fun And Profit”. Only a few amphibians and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose all.

Pisces… Saturn is in his third house having some Spanish tile put in. Things are going well. That means trouble for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Change Antipasto Into Antimatter”. Only a few Italian scientists will buy a copy and you will end up hungry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 27th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back friends of the future.

Once again, we here at, HORROR-Scope Central, have scoured the charts in search of the latest interpretations to tickle your fancy.

We have compiled the latest list of prognostications guaranteed to satisfy even the most skeptical of soothsayers.

And, it’s all here for you, my wise followers, and occasional seekers of truth and deception.

This week’s list includes, a leg of lamb, some balloons, and of course, spelunkers.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is in projected di-urnal now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the near future, you will brag to your friends that you saved three dollars by running home behind the bus you normally take. You will become depressed when one of your friends tells you that you could have saved fourteen dollars if you ran home behind a taxi.

Taurus… Mars Is trans-jected against Mercury now. That always makes problems for a Taurus. One day, you will meet and fall in love with a balloon artist. You will regret it later when you realize that you are always out of breath.

Gemini… Saturn is nearing its transcendence now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will follow a follicle to your folly. No further information is indicated in the charts. Sorry.

Cancer… Cancer is semi-conjunctive with the Moon now. That’s never good for you. One day, you will find yourself at a fork in the road while whistling, “Mack The Knife”. It will be a dangerous situation, but your injuries will only be superficial.

Leo… The Sun Is tri-urnal to Leo, but wants to be diurnal. That portends problems for you. When you least expect it, you will meet someone hot, named Potts while visiting a famous panhandle. You will get burnt by him. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Mercury is tri-genical to Virgo at this time. That’s a bad sign for you. One day, your friends and family will think you are odd when you start dating a leg of lamb. Later they will bring you mint sauce to appease you.

Libra… Neptune is post-conjected to Leo now and that’s never a good sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself going door-to-door, selling a book called, “The Psychology Of Flatworms”. Everyone except Dennis Miller will think you are odd and shun you. Let us know how that works out.

Scorpio… Pluto is tri-urnal to Scorpio now. That foretells problems for you. Your friends and family will think you are weird when you become obsessed with eating scrapple while playing Scrabble. You will be shunned. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Venus is in counter-objection to Mars at this time. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. One day you will Flamenco with a flamingo. It won’t end well when the bird decides to find another partner, but not before it attacks you with its vicious claws.

Capricorn… The Earth is tri-orbital to Capricon at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “Cooking With Bat Guano”. Only a few spelunkers will buy a copy. You will end up with an intestinal infection. It won’t be pleasant.

Aquarius… Uranus is nearing its transcendence now and that always foretells problems. One day, you will have a horrible nightmare. In it, the Energizer Bunny will try to charge you by plugging you into a wall socket. It won’t end well. You will awaken frightened and paranoid of all batteries.

Pisces… The Moon is approaching retro-jected di-urnal now against Pisces. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will start a new business collecting exotic mustaches. People will think you are odd and avoid you. You will become depressed. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 19th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back stargazers, and freshmen hazers.

This week’s selection of predictions range from rodeo clowns to pink eye.

We hope you can cope.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is discombobulated right now and doesn’t like it. That means trouble. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but that medium will eventually become depressed. Then you will become depressed. Let us know how that works out.

Taurus… Uranus is in declination now. That’s always bad for a Taurus. In the future, you will have a case of pink eye just after you evolve into a white rabbit. You will be hounded after that. Sorry.

Gemini… Pluto is becoming paranoid over a rumor it’s heard, that its enemies are planning to neuter it. That’s not good. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown two more elbows. You will try surgery, but the doctors will make a mistake and transplant knee joints on your arms. You will walk out of the hospital on your hands. Later, you will have a Side-Show career.

Cancer… The Earth is not happy about the recent one-second change in Earth Time. That’s not good. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. It will be painful. Sorry

Leo… Mars is in financial trouble now due to excess spending. Mercury refuses to lend Mars any more money until it pays back the previous loan. That’s spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turn into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but you ‘ll be unsuccessful. Eventually he will hog-tie you. Then he will depart.

Virgo… The Moon is peri-helial conjunction now. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future, you will fall in love with a Rodeo Clown named Amos. That’s no bull! Unfortunately he will take you to work on one of those, “Take Your Friend To Work” days, and you’ll be gored. Too bad for you.

Libra… The Sun is tri-hexular to Libra at the moment. It’s always a bad sign for Libras. In the future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates, then figs, then prunes. After a while, people will avoid you because of your peculiarities. You’ll become depressed. Sorry.

Scorpio… Saturn is having another ring cleaning at the moment. It isn’t going well. In the future, you will run into many doors, or suffer from multiple saddle sores. It isn’t clear. In either case, it will be painful. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius… Mercury is disjointed at its peri-hedral at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive, or flashed by a flash drive. You won’t be happy about either experience. Too bad for you.

Capricorn… Venus is in angular declination at this time. That foretells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Curt For Fun And Profit”. You will sell just one copy to Dennis Miller. You will not be happy about the whole experience. Sorry.

Aquarius… Jupiter is being cross-pollinated by an asteroid at the moment and doesn’t like it. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Coddle For Fun And Profit”. You will spend all your money on the project with little return. Sorry.

Pisces… Once again, Uranus is petitioning the Solar Court right now to have its name changed because of all the stupid jokes about it. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months, and lots of money, researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Vague For Fun And Profit”. Only a few politicians will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

That’s it folks!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 12th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there dear friends of tomorrow, and days after that.

Once again we were hard at work scanning the charts in search of the best of the best prognostications to make your lives a little better.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any.

So here we are again with another round of problems for you.

They include aardvarks, corn pone, and of course, knife juggling.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in its second house after a break-in by solar bandits. It’s upset. That isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “Where To Park Your Poultice”. Only a few hypochondriacs and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose money on the venture. Sorry.

Taurus… The Earth is in regression now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the somewhat distant future, you will research and write an interactive book called, “How To Teach Your Aardvark To Polka”. Only Weird Al will buy a copy, but he will sue you when he finds out you used his music without permission. Too bad.

Gemini… Mercury is rising so fast it’s getting a headache. That’s never good. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will use a marker to connect the pimples on your face to outline an obscene object. You will be arrested for being in public with an obscene object drawn on your face. The fine will be a hefty one.

Cancer…Venus is in its second house trying to fix a water leak. It isn’t going well. That’s bad for you. In the not too distant future, you will lose many friends after you win a garlic-eating contest at a county fair. Whew!

Leo… The Sun is in its ninth house discussing a zoning violation with the Solar Police. That’s bad for you. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will add you to a corn pone mixture. That won’t be fun or tasty. Sorry.

Virgo… Neptune is descending into a funk at this time. That’s never good for a Virgo. Someday, in the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “How To Brighten Your Life By Playing The Fife With Someone Else’s Wife”. That will prove disastrous when readers get caught in the act. They will sue you for all you’ve got. Too bad.

Libra… Saturn is in its second house regarding a solar rat problem. That’s not good for you. Someday, in the far future, you will research and write a book called, “Knife Juggling Blindfolded For Fun And Profit”. Only a few circus performers, will buy a copy. You’ll lose everything on that venture.

Scorpio… Pluto is alarmed over the recent attention it’s getting paranoid. That’s never good. In the distant future, your enemies will try sell you at a garage sale. No one will buy you, and you’ll become depressed over that.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now and isn’t happy about it since Mars snubbed it at a recent party. That’s not good for you. One day, a mad scientist will kidnap you and make you his minion. It won’t go well for you in the lab. Sorry.

Capricorn…The Moon is adjacent to Capricorn now and it’s nervous about that for some reason. That spells trouble for you. Someday, in the far future, you will encounter a computer that’s a main frame or have a near miss by a Maine train. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Aquarius…Mars is in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s never a good sign. In the not too distant future, you will be arrested for jostling someone named Jocelyn. You will spend the night in jail with some very disturbing people. You will do a lot of screaming.

Pisces… Uranus is descending so fast, it’s getting overheated. That’s never good. In the future, you will convince yourself that there really is an Umpa-Lumpa Land. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it. You will become penniless and depressed.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 5th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again serious solar scanners.

This week’s prognostications are as weird as ever.

They include gravel, guile, and perhaps a smile.

I hope you enjoy them in spite of their repercussions.

Good day.

Aries… The Moon is adjacent to Aries and feels awkward about it. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will think you are clever when you come up with the question, “What’s the shelf life of a shelf?”. You will present your query to everyone you meet. People will think you’re odd. They will avoid you at all costs. So sorry.

Taurus… Uranus is feeling queasy from a sudden descent toward Taurus. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that using substrate can solve the world’s problems. No one will believe you. You will become depressed. Sorry about that.

Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury now and doesn’t like it. That will bring you problems. One day, you’ll go ­stir crazy when your electric beaters stop working. Life will become unbearable. You’ll eat out more often and gain much weight. You’ll become bottom heavy and wobble a lot.

Cancer… Mars is on the cusp of Cancer now but wants to be trine. That’s never a good sign. Someday you will either take a nasty tasting pill, or meet someone revolting named Phil. We’re not sure. Good luck in either case.

Leo… The Sun is getting over a gas attack and is not feeling well. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will consume loads of sugar to overcome bitter tears. You will gain fifty pounds, and lose all your teeth as a result. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Venus is faltering at the moment. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will do something awful with isopropyl. You will be arrested for the improper use of a chemical in a “No Wake” zone. Sorry.

Libra… Mercury is aligned with Jupiter at this time. It doesn’t like that alignment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Grovel With Gravel”. Outside of a few construction workers, no one will buy the book. You’ll become depressed.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its fifth house trying to get warm. The heat isn’t working. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will you’ll meet a lawyer named Louie or a liar named Larry or a lying lawyer named Lefty. In any case, you will befriend him. He will embezzle all your money. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius now but isn’t happy about that for some reason. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will be accused of guile when you wear your favorite argyles. People won’t trust you. You will become depressed over it. So sorry.

Capricorn… Saturn is waning now. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the future, you will pull out your hair in despair when you can’t decide what to wear in order to scare. What a dilemma! You will be not be happy.

Aquarius… The Earth is trine and in opposition to Aquarius at this time. That always spells trouble. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Savor Sauerkraut For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to German Chefs, and one to Dennis Miller. Oh well.

Pisces… Mercury is on the cusp of Pisces but wants to be square. That’s never good for a Pisces. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “Fighting Fire With A Fickle Ficus”. Only a few arborists and a Forest Ranger will buy a copy. You’ll suffer from angst afterwards. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 28th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day friends of the future.

I’m happy to announce that this is my 500th post on Humorous Interludes thanks to you all out there!!!

Another week has flown by leaving feathers of frustration in its wake.

Hopefully you endured the wrath of the stars thus far.

This week’s collection will only bring more trouble for you.

If you are up to it, read on.

Aries… Mercury is descending and in opposition to Aries. That always brings trouble. Your enemies are planning to dangle you, or mangle you. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Taurus… Mars is in its third house now having new flooring installed. The installer found termites. Mars is upset. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will become nauseous and/or cautious over something dreadful. I hope you can cope.

Gemini… Jupiter is in its fourth house now for a scrabble game with its moons. Jupiter is stuck with only vowels. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will meet a hobo named Lobo. You will befriend him. Later you will lend him a large sum of money. He will disappear, and never pay you back. You will become a hobo yourself and ride the rails in search of Lobo who will have become a millionaire (using your money) living in Tahiti.

Cancer… Venus is descending into a profound depression. That always spells trouble. In the future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. Only a few dentists and a side show performer will buy a copy.

Leo… The Earth is in its ninth house fixing a roof leak. The place is a mess and Leo is upset. That’s always bad. In the future, you will become so weak you won’t even be able to raise your blood pressure. Too bad.

Virgo… Pluto is in its fifth house repairing a sewer problem and it isn’t going well. That will bring you problems. You will try to scam a cereal company by complaining that you found a live platypus in you cereal box. They will have you arrested for fraud. You will serve several months in jail where they will serve the same cereal. Is that Karma or what?

Libra… Neptune is in its fourth house cleaning the toilet. It hates doing that. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will become so guilt ridden you will confess to beating eggs.

Scorpio… Venus is in retrograde at this time and nearing the cusp of Scorpio. That position always spells trouble. In the future, you will discover someone you know, in Kokomo, who plays the banjo. You will become infatuated with the banjo player only to lose all your money in a pyramid scheme run by the musician.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in Sagittarius now but wants out. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “101 Uses For Pneumatic Jaws”. Only a few kinky firefighters, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy.

Capricorn… The Sun is upset because cloud cover obstructs its vision of the Earth. That’s terrible for you. In the future, you will deliberately shock yourself on a Telsa coil to energize your body. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Aquarius… Uranus is in the market for another house. It’s upset over rising prices. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will urge someone you love to name their child after, The Hoover Dam, but they won’t be comfortable with Dam. They will scorn you for the suggestion. Later, they will compromise and name their child, The Hoover Darn.

Pisces… Mars is in its fifth house with an insurance salesman. It isn’t too happy about the increase in home insurance rates. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will have an ultrasound, which will fall on deaf ears.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 21st, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day fellow stargazers and situational appraisers.

Here’s this week’s list of problems for you, courtesy of your solar system and the handy dandy work of two humans.

One is moi, the other is a new comer.

I just added a wonderful and exciting new twist to our weekly endeavor.

It’s none other than the famous (at least in certain parts of France) Madame Mystère, a psychic with credentials that would make the haïr on the back of your neck rise up and salute her.  In fact, she single handily solved the case of the Clever Qumquats.  

So, read on my dear friends and enjoy (if you can).

Aries… Jupiter is aligned with Pluto now and that spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will be given a tranquilizer or an atomizer. In either case, you won’t like the outcome. Sorry about that.

Taurus… Saturn is descending and in opposition to Taurus now. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will develop pouchy jowls to store food for the winter. You’ll be shunned by friends and co-workers who will think you look odd. They’ll call you “Chippy” (short for chipmunk).

Gemini… The Moon is in Gemini now and it’s going to get hot and uncomfortable. That’s never good. In the distant future, you will get recognition from the Guinness Book for the world’s longest nose hairs. Unfortunately, you will trip over them and sprain your ankle.

Cancer… The Sun is trine and in opposition to Cancer at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will be burned by a sunflower’s solar flare. Ouch!

Leo… Mercury is in its third house cleaning up after a party. It’s a mess. That will bring problems for you. In the future, you will encounter something generic or something barbaric. In either case it won’t be pleasant. Sorry about that.

Virgo…   Neptune is adjacent to Virgo now, but wants to be trine, (which is a better position). That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will be thought odd when you try to determine the combination to a warlock. Have fun with that.

Libra… Venus is in its fourth house now polishing the silverware. It hates polishing silverware. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will roll your own cigarettes…uphill. You’ll get very tired. You’ll then check yourself into a rest home where you will be molested my mole crickets.

Scorpio… Mars is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition. That’s s always a bad sign for you. In the not too distant future, someone will either domesticate you or castigate you. It could be Dennis Miller. You won’t be happy about either attempt.

Sagittarius…The Earth is in its eighth house doing some laundry. It hates doing laundry. That will bring you problems. Someday, you will stub your toes while listening to Stubby Kaye. Ouch!

Capricorn… Uranus is rising now and is grouchy about something. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will get painful sunburn when you grow sunflowers without using any sun blocker.

Aquarius… Neptune is in court over a sexual harassment case involving Venus. It doesn’t look good. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, your will enemies will try to sugar coat you and feed you to some ants. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Pisces…Pluto is in its fifth house to get shelter from a solar dust storm. The dust is getting in from a broken window. Pluto isn’t happy about that, which portends problems for you. Someday, your relatives will think you creepy when you become engaged to a vampire bat. Let us know how that works out.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

 

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: