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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 19th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello fellow stargazers and hog raisers.

It’s time again for another reading of the charts.

We scoured them, we scrubbed them, we soaked them, but they still turned out bad.

This week’s readings include: chickens, cowboys, and the ever-popular…sideshow.

Have fun.

Try not to scream… too loudly.

Aries… The Earth is in diagonal-oppositional mode at this time. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but the medium will eventually become depressed and will be horrible to live with. You will spend the rest of your days in sadness and regret.

Taurus… Venus is in opposition and square with Taurus now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown four more elbows. You will eventually lose your job. You will take side jobs at a sideshow to make ends meet. It will be very difficult for you.

Gemini… Mars is in hyper-eclectic mode now. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will begin a new venture. You open up a new business. You will become a world re-nowned chicken groomer. People will flock to your place of business. Unfortunately, you’re successful be short-lived. You partner in life will become jealous and do nothing but henpeck you for the rest of your days.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now. That’s always bad for a Cancer. Sometime in the distant future, your enemies stir up trouble. They will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. You won’t like it bit; especially after they take tight reign over you and force you to enter horse races. Eventually you will end up with saddle sores and sore muscles. It will be painful.

Leo… The Sun is in peri-hedrinal mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turns into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but he will always find you. Your life will be miserable after you get saddled with all the unpaid bills he has accumulated. He will milk you for all you got.

Virgo… Pluto is trying to get a publicity photo taken, but it’s not having any luck. That’s bad for you. Someday in the future, you will fall in love with a rowdy Rodeo Clown. The two of you will horse around a lot and get into a lot of trouble. The two of you will end up in jail for a time. That’s no bull!

Libra… Saturn is in retrograde against Libra now. That’s unfortunate for you. In the distant future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates…then figs…then prunes. You will spend a lot of time in the restroom with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That’s always an unfortunate sign for a Scorpio. In the somewhat distant future, you will see many open doors or saddle sores. In either case, it won’t work out well for you. Your success will hinge on your attitude. Depression will set in. You’ll become sad and lonely. You will feel locked out of life.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in a double-helixical mode now against Sagittarius. Too bad for you. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive. It will be an embarrassing situation. People will lose confidence in your athletic abilities. That will take a real byte out of you. It will sadden you.

Aquarius… Neptune is in high angular motion at this time. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will be arrested by the grammar police for the flagrant use of alliteration. Eventually, you will be bailed out by a bailiff chewing on a bay leaf in Bayonne. You’ll be a changed person afterwards.

Pisces… Venus is in lower aspect now against Pisces. Trouble is in your future. In the not too distant future, you will tell everyone you meet a new joke you developed. It goes like this: Did you hear about the skydiver who landed on Broadway? He was thrown out of the show when he got his lines all crossed up. You won’t get very many laughs. In fact, you get thrown out of most places after telling it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – scope for the week of April 7th, 2013


Well, we made it through April Fool’s Day. Well, at least some of us did.

The Hoax gods were out in force this year.

Some people in New York City were convinced they were turned into turkeys so they began to stuff themselves before Mayor Bloomberg could stop them.

Others were convinced that the TV Show, “The Undead” ,was a reality show so they flocked to Washington DC to observe politicians in action.

Now, let’s get down to business.

Here are our predictions and prognostications for this week.

Good luck!

Aries…Neptune is whistling his way across the void of space.  Be cautious! This week, someone will try to index you.

Taurus… Venus is facing a law suit over a slip and fall accident. You will attracted to a parcel delivery person who thinks, “Out of the box”.

Gemini…  Mercury is considering switching orbits with Pluto so it can cool off for a while. You will suddenly realize that people visualize you in letterbox form.

Cancer… The Earth is waning at the moment. This week you will be mistaken for Chech and Chong, and Dennis Miller.

Leo… Uranus is anxious about an asteroid which may collide with it in the near future. Keep an eye out for pranksters this week. Someone wants to place a Post It Note on your posterior.

Virgo…Mars is square with Venus now.  You will awaken to find you are a Rodeo Clown facing a large angry bull which hates clowns after watching Stephen King’s, “IT”.

Libra… The Moon is a waning crescent at the moment. Good  news for you this week. You have a future as a Flea Circus Ringmaster.

Scorpio… Jupiter is trying to align itself with Mars to no avail. You will awaken to find your bed is infested with kleptomaniac kippers.

Sagittarius… Saturn is rearranging its rings this week. You should be on the alert for a sheik Sheik, a crooked creek, and a yellow beak.

Capricorn… Venus is square with Mars after a night of poker. You will be arrested by the Center for Disease Control if you continue to collect live Tsetse flies.

Aquarius… Neptune is rising now after a long and satisfying nap. This week stay away from all sardines, Sardis’s, and someone who’s sardonic.

Pisces… Pluto is resting comfortably now after a bout with the Black Hole flu. You will encounter a messy mist, a injured wrist, and a closed fist.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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