Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Dec. 1st, 2013
Well, the holiday spirit is among us…well some of us.
My team of crack celestial interpreters has been hard at work reading star charts and planetary periodicals in spite of their anticipation of the seasons upon us.
There is talk of secret santas and tree trimming.
They took yesterday off to go Black Friday shopping.
I imagine their credit cards are maxed out by now.
Soon they will be busy decorating the place.
Here are the results of their heavenly body studies for this week.
Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries now. You soon may encounter a derringer, a dirigible, and/or become daring. It is not clear at this time.
Taurus… Venus is trine with Taurus now. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to become far flung.
Gemini… The Earth is nearing a change in season. You will have the urge to allure, endure and/or insure. We’re not sure.
Cancer… The Moon is approaching its new moon phase now. You will soon encounter a divan, a wing span and/or a garbage can. Good luck with that.
Leo… The Sun is in its fifth house decorating for the holidays. You soon may be found drooling, dueling, and/or engaged in schooling.
Virgo… Saturn is square with Virgo at this time. You will be known worldwide for your maniacal laugh which strangely sounds like Dennis Miller cackling.
Libra… Neptune is rising after being trine with Libra. You will soon have a stroke. Luckily it will be a stroke of genius. But it will fade fast.
Scorpio… Pluto is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. It’s axiomatic. Soon you will be known as the Ace of Axioms.
Sagittarius… Mars is in retrograde now. You will gain fame and fortune with your new book called, “Cooking with Angst”.
Capricorn… Venus is square with Capricorn at this time. BTW, Venus hates being called a square, so watch it. In the future, you will be nominated for a Nobel Prize for your book called, “Extinguish Anguish With A Wish”. Unfortunately you will be passed over when the committee sees that it was written in crayon on recycled cardboard.
Aquarius… Uranus is favorable for your sign at this time. You will gain favor with your friends when you stop including the words “toad face” in your greetings.
Pisces… Mercury is falling now. You will finally crawl out of your shell, but into another as you act on the urge to become a Ninja Turtle.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
Surrounded by Sorry Santas
‘Real’ Santa is divorced, eats beef and drives a Toyota.
“As children prepare to leave out sherry for Santa and his elves, a survey has found Britain’s Father Christmasses prefer a pint of bitter and Kelly Brook
Traditionally Santa eats mince pies, drinks sherry, drives a sleigh, and is happily married to Mrs. Claus.
But ‘real-life’ Santas who take on the role in department stores and shops across the country eat roast beef, drink bitter, drive a Toyota and are likely to be divorced.
This army of Santas will probably also hate elves.
A survey of 50 ‘real-life’ Santas, who are donning suits and hats to become Father Christmas at department stores and agencies across the UK this year, revealed many don’t fit the traditional image of St Nick many children hold dear.
The report found most Santas are actually 6ft 1in, weigh 15 stone and instead of a sleigh, drive a Toyota Avensis.
Around 55 per cent are divorced and most say their ideal woman isn’t exactly Mrs. Claus – but a cross between Kelly Brook and Carol Vorderman, with an element of Goldie Hawn thrown in.
The survey, by men’s clothing chain High and Mighty, found that while Santas don’t meet the traditional ‘fat and jolly’ image, they are also nothing like the skinny Father Christmas at Winter Wonderland (fair) in Milton Keynes, which has been fiercely criticized by parents.
The fair closed this week after complaints about Santa, an ice rink with no ice and elves smoking cigarettes.
A spokesman for High and Mighty said: “As children worldwide prepare carrots for the reindeer and mince pies for St Nick we wanted to lift the lid on what Santa really wants.
“It turns out that Father Christmas is around 6ft 1ins, weighs 15 stone (appx. 210 pounds), drives a Toyota and wouldn’t mind a bit of Kelly Brook.”
The survey also revealed the tipple of choice for most Santas is likely to be a pint of bitter and rather than Jingle Bells most listen to a combination of The Clash and Frank Sinatra.
Around 70 per cent admit to hating elves despite their seasonal jobs, but most of them love their smartphones and would put an electric guitar on their Christmas list.”
New Santas don’t match old tradition,
They are on a different mission;
Some don’t like those elves,
Who put toys on the shelves,
They drink beer of their own volition.
They don’t drive an old fashioned sleigh,
They drive cars which do not need hay;
They are divorced,
For “Cause” of course,
They’re different in every way.
Most like the girl Kelly Brook,
On her they really are hooked;
They look at her pics,
Not like old St. Nick,
Who not might agree with her look.
Old Santa is a thing of the past,
Modern Santa’s might cause some to gasp;
They’re sure not the same,
Though they share the name,
I guess older traditions don’t last.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
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