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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 28th, 2016


 

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Hello once again.

We hope you had a fruitful… or vegetable week.

My staff has been working very hard on this week’s prognostications.

However, the outlook isn’t any better than it was last week.

This week’s fortunes include: flax seed, knee joints and the ever popular, worms.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries but square with Virgo. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. Sometime in the future, your ultrasound will fall on deaf ears.

Taurus… Neptune is in hyperlink phase now and in opposition to Taurus. That is never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully.

Gemini… Mercury is square with Gemini and descending at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Be Pithy In A Pith Helmet”. You will only sell one copy to a Safari organizer. You will be very disappointed.

Cancer… The Moon has decided to become multiphasic in the future. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will fight with yourself over the concept of verisimilitude. The conflict will go on for months. Good luck with that.

Leo… The Sun is in its hyper-plasticity mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Virgo… Mars is hyper-plegic mode now. That foretells problems for all Virgos. One day in the future, a Garmin will mistakenly take you to a garment district. You will be hopelessly lost for months, like Dennis Miller.

Libra… Venus is in opposition to Libra now and square with Aquarius. That’s not a good combination for a Libra. In the future, an insane photographer will shoot you from a low angle. Watch out. He won’t be using a camera.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and descending rapidly. That combination is not good for you. In the distant future, you will awaken to find that your ankles have been stolen and replaced with knee joints. It will take many months and lots of physical therapy to get used to your new configuration.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in divergent mode now against Libra and Sagittarius. That requires extra caution on your part. In the future, you will wrestle with a problem…you will lose in three falls.

Capricorn… The Earth is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the somewhat distant future, The Vice Squad will arrest you when they see you looking at something with your naked eyes. You will spend the night in jail.

Aquarius… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That always means trouble for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become a world famous worm whisperer. You will find yourself underground most of the time in wet, mucky areas.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces and misaligned with Jupiter. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. You will be whisked away to a mental institution.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 17th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello my fine unfettered friends.

Hungry for another hunk of horror?

We at HORROR – Scope Central certainly are.

This weeks charts are as unfavorable as ever.

They include a banana split, bodysnatching, and the ever-popular, squirrel genitals.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is in opposition and perpendicular to Aries. That’s not a good combination. Soon your interests will lie in bodybuilding. Shortly after, the police will catch you digging up bodies.

Taurus… Saturn is in hyper-perigee now and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the future, you will either have a banana split or develop a split personality. It could go either way. Afterwards, you’ll be running in two directions at once.

Gemini… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate and is in retrograde mode. That combination is always a bad sign for Gemini. In the future, you will become obsessed with the idea of getting a Human Equivalency Certificate. People will think you are weird.

Cancer… The Moon is locked in its seventh house and can’t get out. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will journey to Tibet or place a bet. Either way you’ll lose a lot of money.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo now. That’s never good. In the future, you will remove your hippocampus and take it to a campus near the pampas. People will think you are weird.

Virgo… Mars is in high vitriolic mode now. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Libra… Venus is in high aspect now against Libra. That’s not good for a Libra. In the future, you will become confused and take your rib eye steak to an ophthalmologist for an exam.

Scorpio… Pluto is in low orbital aspect now and in opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. Soon, a herd of flying elephants will rain on your parade. Some of them will even crap on it.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in high modal apogee now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will become a fashion designer. But, you will only specialize in the word, Fashion.

Capricorn… Neptune is square and in opposition to Capricorn at this time. That combination is not good for a Capricorn. In the future, your enemies will try to infuse you with secret herbs and spices. They will not fully succeed. Afterwards, chefs from all over the world, and Dennis Miller, will stalk you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its seventh house suffering from a massive migraine. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, the pain in your throat will stop after you stop eating pine needles.

Pisces… Venus is in high orbital opposition to Pisces now. That’s not a good configuration. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. People will be appalled.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: November 9th, 2014


astrology

Hi there, friends.

Once again we present, for your dining and dancing pleasure, Your HORROR-Scope for the upcoming week.

This week’s charts indicate events and encounters ranging from squirrels, to monkey polish.

Where do you buy monkey polish?

We don’t know. Maybe you do.

I hope you are ready for it, (the HORROR-Scope not the polish).

Enjoy…

Aries… Jupiter is rising now to new heights in the solar system. This foretells bad news. In the future, you will strain yourself while making baby food. You will spend weeks in therapy.

Taurus… Uranus is square with Taurus at this time. In the future, you will become rich and famous with your family of singing squirrels. However, they will seek political asylum in Cuba, and leave you.

Gemini … Saturn is descending at this time. This foretells a bad outcome. In the future, you will spend years developing an air freshener, which will be shunned. Next time don’t call it, “The Scent of Sewer”.

Cancer … Mars is in its fifth house having some bathroom tile replaced. In the future, you will fail miserably at a new venture. You will design and make a line of formal attire for squirrels in the wild, but the EPA and PITA will block your efforts when they discover you are using real fur.

Leo… Venus is square with Leo now and in conjunction with the sun. This is a bad sign for you. In the future, you will become wealthy when you develop a shampoo and hair conditioner made from peanuts. However, your factory will be overrun with chipmunks and squirrels. You will go bankrupt and out of business

Virgo… Pluto is in its seventh house waiting for the solar police after it discovered a break-in. In the future, you will attempt to sell life insurance to sewer rats. It won’t go well for you. You will quit that job and seek employment as a nematode therapist.

Libra… The Earth is in conjunction with Libra now. This could be bad for you. In the future the police will stop your vehicle. They will search it and find what they believe is a stolen potholder, or some illegal pot. Either way the heat will be on. We hope you can deal with it.

Scorpio…The Sun is in opposition to Scorpio at this time. That foretells good news and bad news for you. In the future, you will make a fortune developing and selling monkey polish to organ grinders. But, you will lose all your money in lawsuits after several monkeys drink the fluid and dance themselves to death while listening to Dennis Miller on the radio.

Sagittarius…The Moon is trine with Sagittarius at this time. This foretells a bad business decision. In the future, you will try to make money knitting air tanks for SCUBA divers. However the wool will shrink causing a drop in air pressure. Your business will then go under.

Capricorn…Mercury is in its third house having a new phone system installed. In the not too distant future, you will jump at the chance to own a piece of history. An Egyptian will sell you a tomb in an attempt to get you involved in a pyramid scheme. You will lose a lot of money.

Aquarius …Mars is on the cusp of Aquarius now. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will develop a cereal called, Granny’s Granulated Grits. Unfortunately, you will go bankrupt when the FDA discovers that it’s made from number 8 sandpaper.

Pisces… Uranus is trine with Pisces now. That’s good and bad. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune when you develop the skill of juggling live squirrels. However, an animal rights group will sue you. That will cost you a lot of money ending your act.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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