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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 11th, 2016










Hello again folks.

Another week has passed…and fast.

It’s time for another dose of drudgery.

Buckle up.

The pain is about to begin.

This weeks disastrous dozen brings you: urinals, a food truck, and the ever popular, used chewing gum.


Aries… Pluto is di-hexical at the moment. That’s not good for an Aries. Someday in the future, you will become world famous for your ability to reiterate. Unfortunately, that will be your only skill.

Taurus… Neptune is tri-modal now and on the cusp of Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the distant future, you are going to have a great meal. Unfortunately, afterwards, you will be hit by a food truck. Too bad for you.

Gemini… Mars is in semi-quadrant mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Gemini. Someday, you’re enemies will try to to shrink your brain to the size of an angstrom. They won’t succeed, however afterwards, you will only speak in one-word sentences, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadrinal mode now. That’s never good for a Cancer. Sometime in the future, you will spend a lot of time and all your money opening up a Museum of Urinals. Only a handful of Urologists will stop by. You will not be happy about that.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition and square with Leo. That’s an unfortunate combination. In the distant future, you will make a lot of money in the stock market, only to suffer a double-digit loss. You will lose two fingers of your dominant hand. Hopefully, you will adapt.

Virgo… Venus isn’t high dissension and in opposition to Virgo at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will open up a lemonade stand, followed by a microphone stand. You won’t make any money in either venture. You will become very depressed.

Libra… Mars is in semi-oppositional mode now. That’s definitely not good for a Libra. One day in the future, you will spend all your money and a lot of time opening a Museum of Used Gum found under tables and chairs. Only a few street people will stop by to add to your collection. Depression will set in.

Scorpio… Saturn is in tri-geminal mode now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the distant future, you’re enemies will try to to flash freeze you, so bring a heavy jacket, and gloves.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in lateral opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That portends problems for you. Not long from now, the police will arrest you for assault when they find you on a beaten path. You will spend a few days in jail.

Capricorn… The Earth is in low capsulation mode now. That spells trouble for a Capricorn. In the future, you will have the urge to return to the hospital where you were born and demand a refund on yourself. You will be committed to the Psych Ward for observation.

Aquarius… Jupiter is misaligned with Aquarius at this time. That foretells problems for all Aquarians. In the distant future, you will open a Museum of Sweat Glands. Only a few Endocrinologists will stop by.

Pisces… Neptune is in di-sectional mode now. That’s never good for a Pisces. In the distant future, you will spend a lot of time and money writing a book called, “How To Snort Snot For Fun And Profit”. Only a few ENT doctors buy a copy. You will not be happy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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