In case you aren’t aware of the coming change this week, permit us to remind you that this is the last Horror-scope for the year 2012.
Hopefully we will continue to provide you with the celestial suggestions for the coming weeks of 2013.
We know some of you cannot wait until midnight to ring in the New Year. For various reasons, others wait in horror for 2013 to arrive.
We relish the challenge of interpreting the planets to bring you the latest life changing information critical to your survival.
The following suggestions for your New Year’s Resolutions should provide you sufficient cause to enjoy or fear the upcoming year which is currently on the cusp, as we in the lofty Astrological trade like to say.
We predict this year will have 365 days of daylight in the day time, and darkness at night. The sun will shine somewhere, and the moon will smile down at us. Rain will reign in some areas, while an Earth parching drought will wet some eyes.
Some will be happy and some will be sad. Some will be angry and some will be mad. Some will strike it rich, while some will sit and bitch (complain).
Some will get happily married, and others will be horribly harried.
You may hitch your wagon to a star, while others languish at a local bar (tavern/pub).
Some will make good choices, others will raise their voices.
Enjoy, and be sure to have a happy new year in spite of future predictions the celestial bodies might provide to guide you in this life for the next 365 days.
Aries… Mars has resolved to write a tell all book about Venus’ secret life. Stop stapling those sandwiches. They are getting caught in your kid’s braces.
Taurus… Mercury is upset that Venus stopped waiving at it when they are near each other in their orbits. Go ahead, stick to your resolution this year. Get that ego transplant.
Gemini… Pluto is planning a New Years Eve Party and is really excited. Resolve to stop doing the Tarzan yell while using the restroom. The animals you are calling keep blocking traffic.
Cancer… Uranus is busy with its resolutions. Heed this warning. Scrap your latest resolution. Shoving a bowling ball up your nose can be very painful.
Leo… Neptune is planning to dis Pluto by not showing up for the party. Your resolution to go green is admirable, but spray painting your body green is going too far. Use a paint brush with good latex instead.
Virgo…The Moon is resolved to look brighter next year. Hold off on your resolution. In fact forget it. Don’t bother The Pope. He won’t make Lady Gaga or Dennis Miller saints.
Libra…Saturn has resolved to have its rings shined more often. We know you want your loved ones to lose weight, but hiding the ice cream sandwiches in your underwear is a messy proposition.
Scorpio…The Earth is getting ready for the big night this week. Go ahead with your new resolution. Share a ride to work. There’s room for two on that mule.
Sagittarius… Venus is upset about the tell all book Mars is going to write. We advise against your resolution. Why, you ask? Because your friends are just joking. A light bulb a day will not brighten your teeth or your day.
Capricorn…Mercury is not sure about going to Pluto’s New Years Eve Party. Going green in 2013 is an option, but wrapping your kid’s school lunches in their underwear to save wrapping paper is going too far.
Aquarius…Mars hasn’t thought much about next year after the Mayan Calendar prediction. This year live up to your resolution. Be even nicer to all Oompa Loompas.
Pisces…Uranus is resolved to change its name to something more scientific, like Uranium, but that name is already taken. Stop wasting time. Do it this year. Visit the Largest Ball of Twine n Minnesota.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”: “Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”