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Funny Fake Phone


s-NOPHONE 2s-NOPHONE-480x360

This Fake Phone Helps You Focus On Real Life

A phone that’s not a phone had raised more than $13,000 on Kickstarter as of Tuesday afternoon, well over its $5,000 original fundraising goal. The NoPhone lets you to avoid the horror of not having a smartphone in your hand by giving you a plastic phone-shaped block to hold instead of your usual iPhone or Android.

“Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand,” the New York City and Amsterdam-based designers deadpan on the Kickstarter page.

Like other pieces of plastic, the NoPhone is waterproof and non-addictive.

Van Gould, Ingmar Larsen and Ben Langeveld, the phone’s creators, told The Huffington Post in an email that they were inspired to make the NoPhone while drinking on a rooftop bar in New York City called 230 Fifth. They looked up from their phones and noticed that everyone else was holding their devices, too.

“You would have looked weird in this bar if you weren’t holding a phone,” they said. “That’s when we came up with the idea for the NoPhone.”

You may not be able to check Tinder on the NoPhone, but you might bother to look up — and end up having a drink with the person next to you instead. Then again, maybe not. Social instructions aren’t included.

The NoPhone isn’t the first product aimed at encouraging people to talk face to face. Last year, a bar in Brazil unveiled the Offline Glass — which has a chunk of its base cut out so that it can stand upright only when balanced on top of a phone.

“Smartphone addiction might be the one thing that we all have in common,” the NoPhone designers said.

The team said they are still looking into manufacturing options. For now, a $12 pledge on the Kickstarter will get you a NoPhone, to be delivered around December.

For an extra $6, you can add a reflective mirror for taking real-time selfies. And if you’re feeling fancy, you can “add a verbal hashtag by syncing your brain and vocal cords.”

Found @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/28/nophone-kickstarter_n_6057294.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird News

 

Hmmm…

A phone that’s not a phone,

For work or when not alone,

The concept may make you groan,

It’s for those who are phone prone.

 

It’s nothing more than a prop,

To help you when trying to stop,

From phoning people nonstop,

It won’t break when it is dropped.

 

It will cost you 12 US dollars,

To wean you from being a caller,

But withdrawal may make you holler,

If you work or are now a scholar.

 

A mirror will cost you six,

They’ll throw it into the mix,

However it won’t take pics,

It’s no way to get your kicks.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Turbulent Thinking Thwarted


Apple Employee

Apple Employee Fired For Thinking Different

CUPERTINO, CA—

Brent Barlow, 27, a software analyst and beta-tester at Apple Computer headquarters in Cupertino, was fired Monday for “thinking a little too different.”

Apple spokespersons said the firing was necessary because Barlow “consistently failed to adhere to the normal standards of conduct and daily routines expected of employees of Apple Computer.”

Among the floutings of convention cited in Barlow’s Apple employee file: developing a pulley system to store his mountain bike above his workstation, listening to Bob Dylan on his headphones while testing software, and taking barefoot walks around the Apple campus to “feel more connected to the creative energy of others.”

“It’s okay to think outside the box,” said Avie Tevanian, Apple senior vice-president of software engineering. “In fact, we very much encourage that sort of thing here at Apple. But in Mr. Barlow’s case, he went just a bit too far.”

Barlow was first written up in September 1996, when he was cited for “unprofessional and inappropriate personal modifications to his workspace.” In addition to taped-up pictures of Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Einstein and R. Buckminster Fuller, Barlow painted a large red question mark on the side of his monitor, scanned and displayed a non-approved desktop screen image of Jim Henson, and replaced his computer’s trademarked Apple system beep with a snippet of the John Lennon song “Imagine.”

“I like to explore problems from unusual angles,” said the ponytailed Barlow, cleaning out the desk he has occupied since joining Apple in 1995. “And being in a free-form environment of my own creation really helps me get in the right frame of mind.”

Barlow’s most recent formal write-up came last Thursday, when his team supervisor caught him doing a headstand.

“I was stuck on this bug I discovered in the new Mac OS X system software that Apple’s developing. No matter what I tried, nothing worked,” Barlow said. “So I thought to myself, what I need to do is turn my whole approach to this problem upside-down. And what better way to do that than by standing on your head?”

In an effort to prevent such incidents of “excessive iconoclasm” in the future, Apple has developed a manual outlining the company’s rules and regulations regarding individualism. Permitted will be such unorthodox activities as removing shoes when seated or within four feet of a desk; whistling when given prior written permission from a direct supervisor; and kicking puddles, provided the kicking is conducted during one’s lunch hour and the puddle is one of the 35 on the Apple campus specifically designated for such a purpose. Prohibited will be such “gratuitously idiosyncratic” behaviors as singing out loud, flying kites and catching butterflies.

“Of course, we want our employees to be individuals and ‘do their own thing,’ so to speak,” Apple director of corporate communications Michael Landau said. “But Mr. Barlow’s behavior consistently crossed the line. If he wants to think that different, he can do it on his own time.”

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/apple-employee-fired-for-thinking-different,773/

Hmmm…

A man got fired for thinking,

Not for on the job drinking,

Or chauvinistic winking,

His heart is certainly sinking.

 

His thinking wasn’t the same,

He had only himself to blame,

He wasn’t too good at their game,

His firing is quite a shame.

 

He had his own frame of mind,

While working the daily grind,

Uniqueness is what he refined,

He is surely one of a kind.

 

He did things all on his own,

He wasn’t an Apple Corp. clone,

He’d stand on his head all alone,

Causing his bosses to groan.

 

His thinking just didn’t fit in,

Like hanging his two wheeled Schwinn,

Above his desk; oh what a sin,

Wearing his bosses’ nerves thin.

 

Though Barlow had lots of grit,

To them he was just a misfit,

It’s something he might admit,

But now he is going to split.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Drone Dilemma Discussed


drone

Sen. Feinstein calls for regulation after drone spies on her through window

“This is a whole new world now and it has many complications.”

March. 17 (UPI) –

During an interview on CBS’ 60 Minutes as part of a segment on the growing controversy surrounding the use of drones for law enforcement as well as commercial and private enterprise, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif. called for the federal government to regulate unmanned aerial vehicles, describing privacy concerns associated with drones as “very, very major.”

The Senator shared a personal experience: “I’m in my home and there’s a demonstration out front. And I go to peek out the window and there’s a drone facing me.”

The 60 Minutes segment, “Drones Over America,” evokes a sci-fi cityscape, the sky above abuzz with unmanned aerial vehicles — taking bird’s eye photos, shooting video, delivering packages, even medevac’ing patients.Not to mention enforcing the law.

“This is a whole new world now and it has many complications,” Senator Feinstein said. “When is a drone picture a benefit to society? When does it become stalking? When does it invade privacy? How close to a home can a drone go?” she asked.

Feinstein has been a supporter of the NSA’s surveillance programs in the past. Her concern about drones invading privacy echoes her recent concerns about government espionage, in the immediate wake of her heated head to head with the CIA last week, in which Feinstein accused the agency of spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee.

Congress and the FAA have already passed a bill to welcome commercial drones to the U.S. by 2015, and some people think that’s not soon enough. The FAA released its first drone “roadmap” last November.

Unmanned aerial vehicles have a growing presence in the military and in law enforcement, but no one knows quite yet what the reality of having a sky full of UAVs will be like.

“And the question is,” Senator Feinstein asks, “how does it all get sorted out? What is an appropriate law enforcement use for a drone? When do you have to have a warrant? When don’t you have to have a warrant? What’s the appropriate governmental use for a drone?”

The Senator’s answer?

“It’s going to have to come through regulation, perhaps regulation of size and type for private use. Secondly, some certification of the person that’s going to operate it. And then some specific regulation on the kinds of uses it can be put to.”

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2014/03/17/Sen-Feinstein-calls-for-regulation-after-drone-spies-on-her-through-window/3011395087011/#ixzz2wLrD7ne5

Hmmm…

What do we do about drones?
Their numbers have really grown,
Will they be as prolific as cell phones?
Diane spoke in worried tones.

Will they monitor each one of us,
When in our cars or in a bus?
It’s causing a lot of fuss,
Who is it we have to trust?

Should the government keep on spying,
Then when asked, they keep on lying?
And continue with denying?
It is something we’re not buying.

It is something complicated,
And it now must be debated,
Cause we are quite aggravated,
Some in fact are agitated.

Looks like we need some new laws,
With a specific drone law clause,
Drones may be the one last straw,
And it’s stiffening our jaws.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Terrible Tweeting Tactic Tried


Tweeter

A Los Angeles man was arrested for allegedly offering to shoot someone for 100 retweets.

March. 14 (UPI) –

A Los Angeles man who allegedly offered to shoot someone in exchange for 100 re-tweets and then post the results on Twitter, was arrested when police were able to trace the account back to his home.

Dakkari Dijon McAnuff was arrested on Wednesday on suspicion of making criminal threats.

A tweet from the @StillDMC account, which has since been taken down, showed a picture of a rifle pointed down at a street accompanied by a caption reading, “100 [retweets] and I’ll shoot someone walking.”

When police arrived at the 20-year-old’s home, they discovered an air rifle.

He was being held on $50,000 bail and either posted it, or got access to the Internet in jail.

Read more:
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/03/14/Los-Angeles-man-arrested-for-allegedly-offering-to-shoot-someone-for-100-retweets/5161394801386/#ixzz2vxD98Mem

Hmmm…

Man threatens others for re-tweets,
Cops got him later on their beat;
He wasn’t so nice,
Please take my advice,
It’s something he should never repeat.

Why shoot someone for recognition?
That’s really a psycho condition;
Be kind toward all folks,
Just smile; tell some jokes,
Engage in a little cognition.

He was caught for making some threats,
Would he do it is anyone’s bet;
He was holding a rifle,
And that is no trifle,
Now the guy is under arrest.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Lotions Leave Lady Listless


Lotion User

Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion

PURCHASE, NY—

Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm.

Responding to a frantic 911 call from her boyfriend, emergency personnel said they rushed to Nagler’s residence around 10 p.m. last night and discovered the 26-year-old unconscious in her bed and surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of daily moisturizers, anti-wrinkle treatments, and hydrating balms, suggesting an acute level of lotion toxicity.

“When we arrived, Ms. Nagler’s blood-lotion level was 0.45. That’s four times the lethal limit,” said emergency responder Anne Jones, noting that in addition to finding high levels of Olay and Jergens in her system, doctors also discovered traces of harder oils like ylang-ylang and jojoba. “Her lips were extremely glossy—glossier than I’ve ever seen. It took us hours to stabilize her shea-soaked skin before we could even begin wiping off the many herbal extracts and replenishing creams, not to mention bath and shower gels.”

“We’re guessing that by the time her boyfriend found her, she had been inhaling cocoa butter and eucalyptus fumes for over 45 minutes,” Jones continued. “One more Buf-Puf of jasmine serum and it would have been too late.”

Doctors said that after Nagler arrived at the hospital’s trauma ward, it was a “race against time” to save the young woman’s life, with teams of nurses working around the clock to neutralize the accumulated layers of almond butters, Moroccan oils, essential fruit extracts, and age-defying exfoliants that had left her skin dangerously supple.

After first treating her arms and legs to remove the thick coat of honeysuckle and whipped vanilla gloss, emergency room staff vigorously scrubbed Nagler’s body with gauze to reduce the buildup of vitamin E and hibiscus. Next, the medical team used a high-powered pump to suction the ultra-hydrating lotions from her face and hands, areas that had been exposed to critical periods of long-lasting moisturization.

According to friends, Nagler’s overdose was the result of being a habitual lotion user whose addiction had, as of late, spiraled out of control.

“Caroline didn’t do this to herself on purpose—she just didn’t know her limit,” distraught boyfriend Eric Klein told investigators, recalling that Nagler would often come home covered in a layer of lavender salve without acknowledging that she glistened brightly or smelled heavily of morning dew. “It’s a wonder she hasn’t had an overdose yet; it’s a full-on addiction. She hides the bottles everywhere—underneath the sink, in the back of cabinets. I once saw her pull a small bottle of it out of her purse. She couldn’t go 20 minutes without it.”

“It was only a matter of time before she started mixing lotions,” Klein continued. “Every morning it was a cocktail of prescription-strength aloe-vera, rosewater, sunscreen, Wrinkle Revenge cream, and who knows what else.”

Emergency room doctors say that as lotions become more fragrant, more flirty, and more expensive, hospitals will continue to see cases of women overdosing from the products. In the past week alone, local hospitals treated more than 20 local girlfriends with injuries similar to Nagler’s, according to records.

“The mistake so many women make is thinking they can slather on a layer of cedarwood foam, wait a few minutes, and then start rubbing on some shiny body butter,” said emergency physician Dr. Thomas Nguyen, noting that his own girlfriend had a close call last week when she applied more than 80 doses of Jurlique balancing spray, or “pillow mist” as it’s known in street slang. “The rule of thumb is to use a quarter-sized dollop of lotion, wait an hour, then use more if necessary. Oiling up too quickly vastly increases the risk of internal organ failure, or worse.”

“If you think you have a problem, please seek help immediately,” he continued. “Your life is worth more than having silky- smooth skin, no matter how soft and luxurious it might feel.”

Found @
http://www.theonion.com/articles/girlfriend-overdoses-on-lotion,34884/
Hmmm…

A woman just loves her smooth lotions,
She applies them with fervent emotions;
She uses a lot,
Perhaps all that she’s got,
They seem to act like a strong potion.

She slathers the butters on her skin,
From her toes to her lovely, soft chin;
It’s foams and it’s creams,
That are used to extremes,
Is this excess akin to a sin?

She’s prone to ignore her addiction,
Not wanting to cause any friction;
She hides all her balms,
Without any qualms,
She certainly has an affliction.

She ended up in the ER,
From using that stuff in the jar;
The goo was on thickly,
Causing her to be sickly,
Her usage had gone too far.

They say it’s a common condition,
For some it’s a life’s ambition;
They want to look younger,
For lotions they hunger,
Perhaps it’s a predisposition.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Gromdar Guy Going Global?


Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home

SAN JOSE, CA—

Laying out his vision for the company’s future at a shareholder meeting yesterday, Gromdar, Inc. cofounder and Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes said that he is determined to put a Gromdar in every home in the nation, sources reported.

Stating that the Gromdar brand name “is synonymous with innovation, quality, and high performance,” Shanes told investors that, beginning with its forthcoming line of personal Gromdars sold at licensed Gromdar retailers across the country, the company aims to change the American way of life “Gromdar by Gromdar.”

“Our goal is not only to put a Gromdar in each home, but in each room of each home,” said Shanes, noting that ever since he built the first laboratory-sized Gromdar as a graduate student, he’s envisioned a world in which every citizen has access to a private, portable Gromdar. “Gromdar technology has been around for years, but until now, we haven’t been able to bring Gromdars to the consumer market. Now we have a chance to make Gromdars such an integral part of daily life, people will think, ‘Can you remember a time without Gromdars?’”

“We want people to say, ‘I bought a Gromdar for my wife, I bought a Gromdar for my mom, heck, I even bought Gromdars for my kids!’” he continued. “We want people without Gromdars to envy people with Gromdars. This time next year, you’re not going to want to be seen in public without a Gromdar of your own.”

According to the company’s website, Gromdar, Inc. originally manufactured Gromdars exclusively for military use, winning a lucrative contract with the U.S. Department of Defense to supply powerful Gromdars for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. With profits from the government contract, the corporation reportedly invested millions of dollars in research and development to adapt Gromdars for the commercial sector, and soon began selling thousands of Gromdars to businesses across the country.

Shanes explained to shareholders that advances in technology have allowed Gromdars to be manufactured more efficiently and inexpensively than ever before, bringing down the cost and size of the device as well as reducing the numerous safety hazards of Gromdar ownership.

Responding to concerns about the marketability of home Gromdars, the tech entrepreneur acknowledged that most new products face resistance from the consuming public when they are first introduced. However, Shanes expressed his confidence that using a Gromdar—or Gromming—would quickly come to be regarded as a fundamental and indispensable part of everyday life.

“Some people might say, ‘What do I need a personal Gromdar for? I’m never going to use it,’” Shanes said after one investor compared the Gromdar to the Blordash. “That’s the same thing people once said about microwaves, but now we can’t live without them. Mark my words, the people who are most skeptical of owning a Gromdar are going to be the ones who won’t be able to put their Gromdars down, whether they’re at home, in their office, or traveling.”

As part of the company’s efforts to bring Gromdars to the public, Shanes said that Gromdar, Inc. is embarking on an ambitious marketing initiative including television spots, prominent social media campaigns on Facebook and Twitter, a sponsorship deal with actor and musician Jared Leto, and product placement in popular movies and video games.

Shanes also noted that thousands of billboards and public transit advertisements were currently being installed in cities throughout the country featuring a picture of a Gromdar against a white background and the brief tagline, “Your Life, Your Gromdar.”

By the end of the next financial quarter, Shanes said, his goal is to see consumers lined up around the block to get their hands on the latest Gromdar.

“The Gromdar is a truly innovative product that will revolutionize the way we work, socialize, learn, entertain ourselves, cook, and even exercise,” Shanes said while gesturing to a shiny teal Gromdar on a table alongside him. “By 2016, we want to see Gromdars plugged into every kitchen, on every car dashboard, and bolted into every desk in every school in America. We believe today’s generation will be the Gromdar generation.”

“The question isn’t whether you can afford to buy a Gromdar; the question is whether you can afford not to,” he added.

Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/inventor-of-gromdar-determined-to-put-a-gromdar-in,34633/

Hmmm…

There is an odd guy named Shanes,
Who vocally now complains;
It is his intention,
To get his invention,
Everywhere; is that insane?

A Gromdar is what he is selling,
He wants one in every dwelling;
In bathrooms and cars,
Perhaps even Mars,
His message is quite compelling.

Could this be something you need?
Let’s buy one now, will you soon plead?
Get them while they’re hot,
Get two; sure why not?
Get twelve, make your bank account bleed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Biggest Bowel Bacteria Baffling


Study Reveals American Intestinal Bacteria Most Obese In World!

SEATTLE—A study published Tuesday by the University of Washington revealed that the gastrointestinal bacteria of American citizens are the most obese in the world.

“We found that American intestinal microorganisms consume an unhealthy diet rich in sugars, fats, and processed foods, and as a result, tend to be severely overweight compared to international averages,” said researcher Benjamin Singh, highlighting electron microscope images of American Bifidobacteria cultures that showed their bulging plasma membranes and thick layers of internal cytoplasm.

“Indeed, most intestinal microbes residing in U.S. residents had difficulty propelling themselves around the GI tract with their flagella and spent most of their time ingesting saccharides in the same stationary position in the gut, which leaves them at high risk for chronic health problems and a shorter life cycle overall.”

Singh added that there was little hope of curbing the obesity epidemic in the near future, noting that most American intestinal bacteria live in areas where nutritious food options simply are not available.

Found at: http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-american-intestinal-bacteria-most-obese-in-w,34614/

Hmmm…

Americans have real big germs,
They got them on their fatty terms;
They can’t move around,
In places they’re found,
The thought of it all makes me squirm,

They’re gobbling up too many sweets,
From people who eat lots of treats;
They’re awfully obese,
From sugars and grease,
They really should watch what they eat.

They lie around down in the gut,
They seem to be in quite a rut;
They eat and get fat,
Enough said about that,
It’s something that we can’t rebut;

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Fortunes Found in Facebook’s Faces


Kim Komando says…

“I’m sure you remember a while back Facebook used people’s names and profile images in advertising without clear permission.

People got mad about these “Sponsored Stories” and started a class-action lawsuit. It ended last week with Facebook paying out $20 million.

While the lawsuit was going on, Facebook put in a setting so you could opt out of Sponsored Stories.

Now that the lawsuit is over, Facebook is wasting no time changing how it does things.

To that end, it’s updating its site policy – you probably got an email about it. If you didn’t read the email, I’ll give you the short version.

Starting September 5, if you use Facebook at all, you’re giving it explicit permission to use your image in ads. There is no opt-out, even for minors.

Of course, Facebook is taking user feedback on this change. You can weigh in with your opinion.

Just be aware that in the past Facebook has ignored what its users want. It will probably do so this time.”

See more, including your options at:

Kim Komando.com

For some reason WP won’t let me add the link today. Sorry!

Hmmm…

FB will use your photo for money,
Or a picture of your lovely honey;
It’s all about cash,
They’re certainly brash,
I’m thinking it is awfully crummy.

Privacy’s not their concern,
It’s money that they want to earn;
They’ll sell a great pic,
Of a guy, or a chick,
It’s making my temper burn.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Elderly Edythe Evokes Emotions


At 105 years young, Edythe Kirchmaier is Facebook’s oldest user. In fact, when she signed up to the site last year, Facebook had to recode its system to recognize 1908 as a birth year.

This news made her somewhat of a celebrity, gathering more than 123,000 Likes, and appearances on The Tonight Show and The Ellen DeGeneres show.

Her publicity also was great for Direct Relief, a charity that Kirchmaier donates most of her time to.

So when word spread that Kirchmaier was having car troubles, the Internet responded.

One man decided to send her a brand new Honda Civic after reading a post that she was having car troubles, which would take away from her time at the charity.

– See more at:

Hmmm…

Driving at a hundred and five,
It’s amazing that she is alive,
She had an old car,
That wouldn’t go far,
Now she’s got a new one to drive.

She’s the oldest one on Facebook,
Don’t believe it? Just take a look,
She’s been on TV,
For people to see,
What’s next? Will she write a book?

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Times Temper Tested Twice


The NY Times was hacked for the second time this month.

It’s working to make its website available again for all readers after it was disrupted by a group calling itself the Syrian Electronic Army in an exploit that also affected Twitter.

The group disrupted traffic to the websites by hacking yesterday into registration-services provider Melbourne IT Ltd. (MLB), which handles the online addresses of nytimes.com and twitter.co.uk, according to Tony Smith, a spokesman for the Melbourne-based company.

The Times instructed readers who can’t access its home page to go to an alternate site.

Some users initially reported being redirected to the Syrian group’s sites. Many were simply unable to access the pages at all.

 

The Syrian Electronic Army, which backs the country’s president, Bashar al-Assad, has also claimed responsibility for hacking the Washington Post this month and the Financial Times in early May, redirecting readers to its own websites and videos.

“The credentials of a Melbourne IT reseller (username and password) were used to access a reseller account on Melbourne IT’s systems,” Smith wrote in an e-mail. He said the login information was obtained through phishing, a technique used to obtain private data by imitating legitimate websites.

It may take time before all users can get normal access to the newspaper’s site, Smith said. Times employees have been instructed to use caution when sending sensitive e-mails, the newspaper said.

Found at:   http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-08-28/ny-times-twitter-web-address-data-hacked-by-syrian-group.html

Hmmm…

The Syrians attacked again,

Subscribers again complained;

They did it times two,

Who’s next? Maybe you,

We’re sorry’s the current refrain.

 

The Syrians did some Phishing,

For data they were a whishing;

They went through Melbourne,

Resulting in scorn,

The Times must be Syrian dissing.

 

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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