This week the stellar stars shoot for stunning starlit alliterations in the constellations without constant consternation or constipation.
Hopefully you will have happy, humorous and heartwarming Horror-scopic happenings…
Aries… Saturn is preparing for Halloween. Your date with succulent steamed veggies will go terribly wrong when you suddenly become ravishingly hungry.
Taurus… Jupiter is shopping for a new moon. You will awaken to find yourself on the Canadian border smothered in cold, clammy, Canadian bacon.
Gemini… Saturn is having its rings polished. You will be involved in some chicanery with a chickpea eating chicken in Chicopee, Massachusetts.
Cancer… The moon is going in for maintenance this week. You suddenly have a penchant for parchment, Parcheesi, and par boiled parsnips.
Leo… Mars is on the verge of Venus. While on vacation, you will vie for a viaduct near a villa in Veracruz.
Virgo… Mercury is pondering over appearing in a Reality Show. Your darling doggie wants to do its dastardly doody on the doorstep of Dennis Miller.
Libra… The Earth in its ninth house with a Realtor You will engage in cogent conversations with a toastmaster, a milquetoast, and Post Toasties.
Scorpio… Pluto hasn’t gotten much sleep lately and is grumpy. Your date with a transient Techno Geek will go wrong when he/she tries to troubleshoot you.
Sagittarius…. Neptune is considering taking up painting as a hobby. You will awkwardly awaken to discover that you are a hoax.
Capricorn… Jupiter is thinking of switching orbits with Mars. You will be stopped in your tricky tracks while paying taxes in Texas.
Aquarius… The moon is going in for maintenance this week. You suddenly have a penchant for parchment, Parcheesi, and par boiled parsnips.
Pisces… Mars is having its third house redecorated. You will pucker up to a hockey puck in Pawtucket, Paducah, and Patagonia.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”