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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 24th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all of you anti-prognosticator haters out there.

We hope you’ve survived another week of gloom.

If so, we are ready to heap another week of despondency upon you.

This weeks charts have been mean as ever.

They include: an aviary, underlayment and the ever-popular flax seed.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is in its third house anxiously waiting the moving company to arrive. It’s getting late and Venus is irritable. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. You’ll be sorry, shortly after you visit a rain forest. Why? You will become enraged when a wild airborne parrot breaks the glass jar containing your collection of cherry pits.

Taurus… Jupiter is in hyper-dissension mode now. That’ll only cause you problems. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to make you nebulous. They will not succeed, however it will prompt you to become a hermit.

Gemini… Mercury is in orbital recession at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. In the future, you will spend all your time and money in order to open a urinal museum. Only a few urologists, a nephrologist and Dennis Miller will visit it. You will feel crushed and depressed.

Cancer… The Moon is in low orbital stenosis mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will become come obsessed over the concept of verisimilitude. It will go on for months. Your friends, family and associates avoid you.

Leo… The Sun is in dilectric regression now. That is not a good sign for a Leo. Sometime in the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, drainage in mixed company. This will go on for years, resulting in many therapy sessions.

Virgo… Venus is on the cusp of Virgo and in hyperpletic mode now. That is not good for a Virgo. One day soon, you will be engrossed with the idea of building spittoons entirely out of Legos. Your collection will grow, while you’re popularity diminishes.

Libra… Pluto is in its third house awaiting a flea exterminator. The guy is really late and Pluto is experiencing some anxiety. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea of either chasing tornadoes, or playing the parlor game called Twister. In either case, you will feel a lot of pain when it’s over.

Scorpio… Mars is in semi-ultronic mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word underlayment in public. You will seek in the aid of a psychiatrist and/or a building contractor.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in opposition to Sagittarius and on the cusp. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. One day, you will awaken only to find that you are molting like a common canary. You will seek shelter in an aviary.

Capricorn… Saturn is in di-uregical mode now and in opposition to Capricorn. That makes for a terrible combination for a Capricorn. In the future, you will capture a wacky gecko, or take a lot of Ginkgo. It could go either way, but it will be quite messy.

Aquarius… Uranus is in quadra-lingual mode now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully. You will escape with minor injuries. Unfortunately, you will be arrested for stalking health food store employees.

Pisces… The Earth is in a hyper-orbital plane now. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day, you will become obsessed with the concept of biding your time, or biting your tongue. In either case, you will suffer.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 3rd, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello there all you horoscopic minded people.

We’re back again with another load of linguistic lunacy.

The charts have been as horrible as usual.

This week’s listings include a street sweeper, curtains, and the ever popular…school of hard knocks.

Enjoy…if you can.

Aries… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time and in opposition to Aries. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. You will consult a psychiatrist who will have you committed. Thorazine we will be your medication du jour.

Taurus… Venus is in hyper-perplectic mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will encounter a street sweeper or a gatekeeper. In either case, you will experience a lot of pain.

Gemini… Pluto is in its third house treating a flea problem once again. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will attempt to make you more whimsical. Unfortunately it will not work. You will become whiny instead. People will avoid you like the plague.

Cancer… The Moon is semi-modal now and Square with cancer. Those two make a deadly combination for a Cancer. In the future, you will develop a unique mental condition. Suddenly, curtains will make you uncertain. There will be no cure for it.

Leo… The Sun is in strict opposition to Leo at this time. That’s a terrible position to be in. In the future, you will win a free trip into outer space… in a spaceship traveling to the sun. Be sure to take plenty of ice, and Dennis Miller along.

Virgo… Venus is perpendicular and in opposition to Virgo. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will suddenly find yourself addressing everyone you meet as Mr. Carstairs. People will avoid you, thinking you are crazy. Depression will set in.

Libra… Mars is hyper-dilectical at this time. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will develop a pumpkin patch. You will advertise it during the Halloween season. Unfortunately for you, people will not be interested in patching their pumpkins. You will lose a lot of money on the venture.

Scorpio… Uranus is in double opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will suddenly take action on your idea that you should collect jars of methane to use as a fuel in an emergency. The collection process will be dreadful. People will think you are weird.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in hyperbolic mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, your enemies we’ll try to disenfranchise you. They will not succeed, however it will be a messy affair. You will be sad and depressed most of the time.

Capricorn… The Earth is square and in opposition to Capricorn now. That’s an unfortunate combination for a Capricorn. In an attempt to become more ocean friendly, you will attempt to memorize the dates and times of all high and low tides throughout the world. You will end that project on a low note when you suddenly realize a hermit crab has already done it.

Aquarius… Mercury is misaligned with Mars at this time and in retrograde. That’s not a good combination for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused. You will buy armor and hire an army to fortify your fortnight. You will lose lots of money and become a laughing stock among your friends and relatives.

Pisces… Saturn is in opposition to Pisces and in super-hyglemic mode at the moment. That will only bring you trouble. Sometime in the future, you will become a tutor at a school of hard knocks. The stories you will hear will depress you. You will quit your job and become a hermit.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 29th 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all of you to all of you stargazers.

The charts have been naughty again this week.

It’s just the way to the celestial cookie crumbled.

This week’s selection involves: a windbreaker, light bulbs, and the ever-popular warthog.

Let the suffering begin…

Aries… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate toward the cusp of Aries. That foretells problems for you, or any hat blocker. In the future, whenever anyone asks you a question you will begin your answer with the phrase,” Well, in a nutshell…” For example, if someone asks you how your hydrolater is working. You will answer, “Well, in a nutshell, it got discombobulated when I turned on the fabralater.” Oh… then you’ll stand on your head and recite the alphabet. People will avoid you.

Taurus… Neptune is semi-nostalgic at the moment, and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus, or any Lakers fan. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word scamper in public. It will be added to a long list of other words you’re embarrassed to utter, such as perky, pimp and percussion.

Gemini… Mars is in hyperbolic inversion now. That’s always a problem for a Gemini, or a nocturnal beast. In the future, you we’ll be associated with a throng or a thong. In either case it won’t end well for you. You might want to make sure your health insurance is up to date.

Cancer… The Moon is in high diagonal mode now. That’s not good for a Cancer, or a warthog in heat. Someday in the future, you will ride in a centrifuge or become the center of attention. In either case you’ll end up nauseous. You probably should bring an air sick bag with you at all times.

Leo… The Sun is in quasi opposition to Leo now. That will bring you and many art critics problems. In the distant future, you will either become bulimic or go bowling. In either case, you will not make a very good showing of yourself… kind of like Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Saturn is in dire opposition to Virgo now and on the cusp. That foretells problems for you, and any left-handed dishwasher. Someday, you will buy an extra large windbreaker in an attempt to control your breaking wind problem. People will ridicule you, and avoid you.

Libra… Uranus is in semi-dihedral mode now. That’s always bad for a Libra, and any earwax collectors. One day in the future, you will work with someone named Dirk who will turn out to be a jerk. Your life will be miserable…until you meet someone named Turk. Then your life will be even more miserable. We see no end in sight. Buck up and get strong.

Scorpio… Mercury is in a down slide now. That always brings problems for Scorpios and zamboni operators. In the future you will suffer from warts or be attacked by a warthog. Either way the outcome will not be pleasant.

Sagittarius… Venus is in hyperpletic mode at this time. That will definitely bring you, and naked skydivers problems. In the future you will be convinced that Fractal Economics combined with the hiccups, will solve the world’s problems. Everyone you meet will eventually shun you.

Capricorn… Pluto is in hyper-ecstatic mode now and on the cusp of Capricorn. Those two make for a bad combination for a Capricorn, or bloated pinworms. In the future, you will petition the American Medical Association to certify a course of study leading to the medical specialty of Squirmatology. They will treat people who can’t sit still. You will be there first patient.

Aquarius… The Earth is in quadra-helical extension now. That’s not good for an Aquarius or any chicken plucker. In the future, you and someone named Bob will bob for kabobs in a smelly bog. It will not be a pleasant endeavor. You will go hungry and smell awful.

Pisces… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and on the cusp of Pisces. That’s a horrible combination for a Pisces or any snake charmer. In the future, you will become very confused and morose. You will start to swallow light bulbs after people tell you to lighten up. You’re intestines will be very gassy and glassy.

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 22nd 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all you lovers of whimsy and what not.

We have another HORROR – Scope for you.

The charts have been scoured by the hour to find a best in unfortunate circumstances for you unfortunate creatures.

Which is something you should be used to by now if you have been following Your HORROR – Scope for any length of time.

This week’s framework of fortunes includes: snowshoes, toe jam, and the ever popular, politician.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is square and in opposition to Aries. That’s not a good sign for an Aries, or a polyglot. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, “gaggle” in public…especially when geese are about.

Taurus… Uranus is in quasi-modal position now. That’s always bad for a Taurus, or any scab picker. In the future, you’ll find yourself studying mosaic tiles in an attempt to learn more about Moses. You will be ridiculed and avoided, but you’ll have a very nice floor in your home.

Gemini… Mars is semi-distal now and a square with Gemini. That’s always a bad sign for a Gemini, or a dead cat juggler. In the future, you will become so weak you won’t even be able to raise your blood pressure. You will end up in a hospital bed next to a raving heathen wearing snowshoes.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-distal mode now, and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or any crop duster pilot. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Wallow With Your Wallet”. Only a few pig farmers will buy a copy. You will give up eating pork afterwards.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition and equidistant to Leo at this time. That is not good for a Leo, or any fish farmer. One day in the future, you will find yourself involved with onions or grunions. In either case, it will be an awfully smelly situation, which will linger for a long time.

Virgo… Mercury is in digression now and hyper extended. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo, or a tree root sucker. In the future, you will open a business selling Jewelry for Jowls. Your only customer will be Dennis Miller. You will lose everything. Well, at least you will have tried.

Libra… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this point and can’t get back into alignment. That’s not good for a Libra, or a toe jam collector. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pet A Pickerel”. Only a few fishermen and Weird Al will buy a copy. You will consider your efforts in vain.

Scorpio… Pluto is in diametric opposition to Scorpio now. That’s very bad for a Scorpio, or a duck billed platypus. In the future, you will discover someone you know from Kokomo who plays the banjo for hobos. He will be a con man who will steal everything from you. At least you’ll have your health… for a while.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in sub-conjunctive mode at this time. That’s not good for a Sagittarius, or any wino in Seattle. In the future you’ll be embarrassed to say the word, pneumatic in public. As a result, you will shun association with others.

Capricorn… Venus is on the cusp of Capricorn but in opposition to Jupiter. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn, or any suppository salesman. In the future, you will shock yourself with a Tesla coil to energize yourself. The electrons in your body will revolt causing you to go into convulsions, or a nearby convenience store. It isn’t clear.

Aquarius… Uranus is in trilateral opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not a good sign for an Aquarius, or the target of a circus, blindfolded knife thrower. In the future, you will urge someone to name their child after the Hoover Dam, but they won’t be comfortable with the word, Dam. As a result, they will shun you.

Pisces… The Earth is in diametrical opposition and on the cusp of Pisces. That combination is always bad for a Pisces, or a whale surfer. One day, you will meet an electrician or a politician. In either case you’ll be shocked by their antics

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 15th 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back friends of the future.

We have another delightful pot of prognostication for you.

Unfortunately, once again, the contents are spoiled.

This weeks recipe called for: marmalade, sunscreen, and the ever popular, ants.

It’s time to dig in…

Aries… Mercury is in a foul mood because of overheating. That’s not good for an Aries, or a porcupine collector. One day you will awaken not knowing the difference between Snickers and sneakers. You won’t discover the difference until you’ve eaten a dozen pairs of Nikes. You will become quite embarrassed, and it nauseous.

Taurus… Venus is in tri-liptic mode now. That’s not a good sign for a Taurus, or for a hay baler mechanic. In the future, you will spend many years and much money inventing a marmalade cloaking device, only to find out you’ve been wasting your time, since most people don’t like marmalade to begin with. You will be greatly embarrassed.

Gemini… Venus is in opposition to Gemini and square with it. That’s never a good sign for Gemini, or a cat juggler. In the future, you will be reprimanded by a reprobate on probation. A fight will ensue, leading to your probation. Better luck next time.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or a mime. One day, you will drop an old copy of Life Magazine. You will call for an ambulance, and immediately begin CPR to revive it. You will be ridiculed when you relate the story to your friends and family.

Leo… The Sun is nearing its apex now and is in opposition to Leo. That’s definitely a bad sign for a Leo, as well as any feather merchant. In the future, you will get a painful sunburn when you tend to your sunflowers without applying sun screen.

Vertigo… Mars is in semi-brackish mode now. That will only bring you problems. One day in the future, you’re enemies will attempt to to sugar coat you then feed you to some ants. You will escape with many ant bites and much itching.

Libra… Saturn is in semi-disjunctive mode now. That’s never good for a Libra, or any cat whisperer. In the future, your relatives will think you’re creepy when you date a vampire bat. We say, to each his own. Good luck.

Scorpio… Pluto is in semi-digestive mode now. That’s never good for a Scorpio, or a tree hugger. In the future, people will think you are odd when you spend all your time trying to determine the combination to a warlock.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in trans-alignment mode now with Sagittarius. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius, Dennis Miller, or a licorice twirler. In the future, you will roll your own cigarettes…uphill. It will be an exhausting affair, which will go up in smoke.

Capricorn… Mars is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never a good sign for Capricorn or an olive pit collector. In the future, your enemies will try to to dangle you, or mangle you. In any case, the outcome won’t be pleasant.

Aquarius… Uranus is in demi-conjunctive mode now. That’s not good for an Aquarius, or a mouth breather. In the future, you will become greatly nauseous or cautious. In either case it will lead to chronic depression.

Pisces… Neptune is in semi-dilution mode at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces, or a sword swallower. In the distant future, you will gargle in a garden near a gargoyle every 15 minutes. You will eventually find yourself under observation in a mental hospital which does not allow gargling.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 8th 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back seekers of solar system science.

We’re here with another rendering of celestial hijinks.

We hope you can hold up under the strain.

This week’s collection includes, geese, sunflowers, and the ever popular Odor-Eaters.

Enjoy…

Aries… Jupiter is falling and in opposition to Aries. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will develop a chameleon type skin to allow people hide anywhere. Unfortunately, once used it will not be reversible. People you cannot even see will sue you. Better luck next time.

Taurus… Pluto is hyper-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not a good sign for Taurus. In the far future, you will start a charity foundation called, “Odor-Eaters Anonymous”. People will think you are weird. You will lose many friends.

Gemini… Saturn is di-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. Sometime in the future, you will forget your shoe size or be ostracized. In either case it will not be a happy experience.

Cancer… The Moon is in hyper-lunacity at the moment. It’s never good for a Cancer. In the far future, you will spend a lot of time and money writing a book called, “How to Grease Your Canadian Geese”. Only a few farmers and a handful of hunters will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Leo… The Sun is an hyper angst mode at the moment. There’s never a good sign for a Leo. Someday in the future, you will be embarrassed and afraid to utter the word “carcass” in public. You will spend a lot of time alone… kind of like Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Uranus is in quasi-tensive mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop pouchy cheeks in order to store food for the winter. Your speech patterns will be quite erratic. Squirrels and chipmunks will be your only friends.

Libra… The Earth is hypertensive at the moment. That’s a terrible sign for a Libra. In the future, you will get recognition from The Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest nose hairs. That sounds interesting.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition to it. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be burned by a sunflower’s solar flare. Ouch!

Sagittarius… Mars is in hyper subjunctive mode now. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the far future, you will be involved with something generic or barbaric. In either case, the outcome will not be good for you.

Aquarius… Venus is in tri-conjunctive mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will eat beef jerky while vacationing in Turkey. Immediately afterwards, you will become dizzy and fall into water that is murky. It sounds quirky, but that’s what’s in the charts.

Pisces… Neptune is in the doldrums right now and wants to get out. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the not too distant future, you will become confused. You will hoard gasoline in an attempt to keep your Internet “search engine” running.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 1st 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome again, my friends of the past, the present, and of course, the future.

I bring you another week’s worth of wackiness and wonder.

The celestial charts have not been kind to you.

You should be used to that by now.

This weeks renderings will bring you thoughts on earlobes, smirking, and the ever popular, General Grievous.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in opposition to Ares now and square to it. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Leap Like a Lemming”. You will sell many copies of the book, only to lose everything when you are sued by readers who have sustained injuries following your advice.

Taurus… Uranus is in semi-diurnal mode now. That’s never good for a Taurus. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Smirk for Fun and Profit”. Many politicians will buy your book. But, you will later be sued by them when they fail to get re-elected. It will be a messy court battle. As a result, you will lose everything.

Gemini… Mercury is in di-modal compensation now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to File a Grievance against General Grievous”. Only a few Star Wars fans will buy a copy. It will put an end to your writing career.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadra-helix mode now. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will be embarrassed to say the word “morsel” in public. You may just become a loaner.

Leo… The Sun is in hyper-extension mode now. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will be laughed at when you try to sell your Sunday sales papers to a yachtsman. Think about it. You will be ridiculed.

Virgo… Mars is square with Virgo and hyper-extended at this time. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “101 Earlobe Exercises”. You will lose all when a group of ENT physicians sue you for fraud.

Libra… Venus is in tri-modal descendance now. That’s never good for a Libra. One day, you will become confused. You will not know the difference between a cataract and a Cadillac. You will then drive your Caddy into an Ophthalmologist’s office. You will be sued when several people sustained minor injuries. You will not be happy with the outcome.

Scorpio… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and Scorpio. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Cure Warts by Sleeping With Toads”. You will only sell one copy… to a dermatologist. You will be stuck with the other 1999 copies.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in high orbital convergence now and on the cusp of Sagittarius. That’s a bad sign for a Sagittarian. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to Polish Shinbones for Fun and Profit.” Only a few orthopedic surgeons, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… The Earth is in hyper-dexiconic mode now. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will either flip pancakes or houses. Either way you’ll get burnt. Well at least you will have tried.

Aquarius… In the future, you will do magic tricks for geriatric patients. Unfortunately, most of them will fall asleep during your performance. You will walk away depressed.

Pisces… In the future, a filling in one of your teeth will suddenly start picking up radio stations day and night. The commercials will drive you crazy. You will seek the aid of a dentist who will advise you to become a disc jockey.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Apr. 24th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day, delvers into destiny.

Another week has flown by.

This week’s  charts have been extra “kooky” in their revelations.

They show predictions involving: cargo, elbows, and the ever popular, car polish.

Enjoy…

Aries… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal mode at this time. That’s a terrible sign for an Aries. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “How To Woo A River Rat”. Weird Al will buy a copy and make a hit song out of it. He will make millions, while you make nothing from it. You will not be happy.

Taurus… Mars is in hyper-descending mode now. That’s always bad for a Taurus. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “The Philosophy of Feces”. Dennis Miller will be your only customer. Get ready for a long period of depression, and hand washing.

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini but in opposition to it. That foretells problems for you. One day in the future, you will petition the government to rename Manatees, Womantees since, after all, they are Sea Cows. Unfortunately you will fail in your attempt. You will not be happy. Well, at least you tried.

Cancer… The Moon is bifurcating at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “Nullify For Fun and Profit”. Only a few lawyers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will consider yourself a failure.

Leo… The Sun is on the cusp of Leo now and in its seventh House. That’s not a good combination for a Leo. Someday, you will meet a mistress in a fortress, but not make much progress in your attempt to egress. Good luck with that.

Virgo… Venus is suffering from a gas problem at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. One day, in the far future, you will try to ship some cargo to Fargo. Unfortunately, due to heavy snow, the cargo won’t go far in Fargo. You will lose many customers because of that. Your business will fail. Happiness will be a thing of the past.

Libra… The Earth is in it’s eighth house unwrapping gifts it received for Earth Day. Many of them are duplicates. It’s not happy about that. That’s not good for you. Someday, you will plague all your friends and relatives with the question, “Kenya wear a robe in Nairobi?” They will think you are a fool (or worse). They will shun you. Happiness will be a thing of the past.

Scorpio… Mars is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition to it. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the distant future, you will wake up one morning believing stagnation is a country full of male deer. You will try to convince everyone you are correct. It won’t be long before you’re lonely and depressed.

Sagittarius… Saturn is rising but it stocks are falling. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “How to Make Money in the Elbow Licking Business”. You will only sell a few copies to some eager perverts. You will become a laughing stock. Depression and angst will be your only friends.

Capricorn… Mercury is overheating at the moment. That’s never a good sign for Capricorn. One day in the future, you will fly like an eagle… until you crash land like a booby. More then your ego will be injured. We wish you well.

Aquarius… Uranus is in hyper-extensive mode now. That will bring you misfortune. In the not too distant future, you will be robbed by a flock of rouge robins. You will escape with minor injuries and a hatred of birds.

Pisces… Neptune is in dichotomous mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Pisces. In the distant future, you will convince yourself that you should drink a bottle of car polish after people start telling you that you’re a dull wit. Soon afterword, you will take a trip to the emergency room for a stomach pumping procedure. Ouch!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh…  All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Apr 17th, 2016


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Hi there, all you lovers of fudge… and the future.

We hope you survived last week’s list of predictions.

If you didn’t, you probably aren’t reading this week’s wackiness anyway.

This week’s compilation of cacophony includes: dirty underwear, body hair, and bunions.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mercury is in its second house trying to fix a plumbing leak. It’s becoming a disaster. That’s not good for you. At some point in the future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pus Is A Many Splendored Thing”. Dennis Miller will purchase a copy. No one else will take a chance on it. Better luck next time.

Taurus… Jupiter is in its fifth house and can’t leave because the garage door is jammed. It’s not happy about that. It foretells problems for you. Not long from now, someone dressed as a Klingon will wrap you in Cling Wrap. It will be very uncomfortable and dangerous. You will survive, but develop a fear of science fiction.

Gemini… Uranus is in its ninth house having an alarm system installed. It’s not going well. It keeps randomly going of. That’s bad for you. One day you will have a sleepover with dirty underwear. It won’t be very pleasant. Afterwards, you will develop a fear of salad dressing. That’s weird, but we call them the way we see them.

Cancer… The Moon is being charged with lunacy. It isn’t happy about that. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will buy a violin, then marry a physicist in order to study String Theory. Everyone you know will think you are weird and shun you. We wish you well.

Leo… The Sun is getting feverish. That’s not good for anyone. Sometime in the distant future, you will have the urge to put mailing addresses on all placemats. People will think you are weird and avoid you. You won’t be happy about that.

Virgo… Neptune is its seventh house after a fire which occurred when it left a skillet of grease on a hot stove. That’s a terrible sign for you. In the future, you will become stoned after eating Rolling Stone magazines. You will end up in a hospital having your stomach pumped. Yuck!

Libra… Venus is overextended in its credit and is furious about it. That’s not good for you. One day you will feel a need to polish your nails or uncooked snails. Either way, your fingers won’t be happy about it. Let us know how that works out for you.

Scorpio… Saturn is undulating at the moment. That spells trouble for you. Sometime, in the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Live an Odor Free Life”. Only a few pheromone researchers will buy a copy. Sadness will consume you.

Sagittarius… Mars is upset because the Rover ran over its favorite rose bush. That’s not good for you. One day you will take a position as Drill Instructor at a Dental Academy. You will be known for your very strict demeanor and a dirty spit sink.

Capricorn… The Earth is in di-emotive mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Selling Body Hair for Fun and Profit”. Only a few dermatologists and a couple of barbers will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Aquarius… Neptune is in its fourth house having the piano tuned. It’s going to cost a lot more than expected. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Train Your Bunions”. Only a few podiatrists will buy a copy. You will walk away with nothing in your pockets but lint.

Pisces… Pluto is in its eight house cleaning up after a renter trashed the place. It’s not happy about that. It will mean trouble for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will teach people how to sniffle for fun and profit. It will be a noisy situation. Eventually it will drive you crazy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Apr 10th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day all you solar scanners.

Get ready for another edition of your favorite prognostication publication.

The charts are up to their old tricks again.

Things look gloomy for most of you, but that’s nothing new.

This week’s listing of lunacy includes, moonbeams, tennis, and the ever popular anteater.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is having another ring job at the moment. It isn’t going well. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will write and produce a play called, “The Follicle Follies”. It will close after a bad case of dandruff develops. Too bad.

Taurus… Venus is tri-modal at this time and on the cusp. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will find yourself hyperventilating after you are stung at a spelling bee. We hope you have an Epipen handy.

Gemini… The Earth is in dexi-hexiliary mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Gemini. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Play Piano Like A Pickerel”. You’ll never get your hands to play together.

Cancer… The Moon is in it’s post di-urinul complex now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop a bumper sticker which says, “I Break For Acne”. You will be ridiculed and ignored. Depression will be your only friend.

Leo… The Sun is in hexigraphical mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Leo. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Plant A Pickerel”. Only a few fish farmers will buy a copy. You will be sad and lonely.

Virgo… Jupiter is descending, but should be rising now. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Ponder Like A Pickerel”. A philosopher and Dennis Miller will be our only customers. You will remain calm and optimistic… until paranoia sets in.

Libra… Saturn is in di-perplectic mode now. That’s always bad for a Libra. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pamper A Pickerel”. Only a few fishermen will buy a copy. Depression will quickly follow.

Scorpio… Mercury is in a time warp now and doesn’t like it. That spells trouble for you. One day, you will buy some moonbeams in a jar. Unfortunately, you will lose them all when you leave the jar ajar. So sorry.

Sagittarius… Mars is in hyperplectic mode at this time. That isn’t a good sign for you. In the far future, you will be flashed by a Flash Drive while on your computer. Then, your mouse will run off with a rat. You won’t be happy about that. Too bad.

Capricorn… Pluto is rising and getting nauseous at this time. That spells trouble for you. Someday, you will try to serve someone in tennis shoes. They will not love it, and it will be your fault. Let us know how that works out.

Aquarius… Uranus is in opposition to Aquarius and in a tri-modal loop at this time. That’s not a good configuration for you. Someday, after a bout of listlessness, you will feel much better when you remove the anteater from your underwear.

Pisces… Neptune is difurcating and descending at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the far future, you will be under suspicion, or suffer malnutrition. Either way, it won’t be something you’ll enjoy. Angst will be your only friend.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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