Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

Posts tagged ‘The Onion News’

Matron Mulls Mortality



old lady

Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death


In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.

“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.

“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”

Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.



Evelyn contemplates death,

Taking her last living breath;

When is her last day?

Could it be today?

It seems to have shades of Macbeth.


She thinks of the ways she could die,

And the people who would surely cry;

She thinks of folks gone,

Those who have moved on,

She doesn’t look back and ask why.


She does it for mental agility,

She hopes it will help her abilities;

She thinks about dying,

Without any crying,

Death has its own grave futility.


© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Harrowing Hometown History

Man Visiting Hometown Amazed To Find All His Childhood Insecurities Still There

Childhoood home


While walking through his old neighborhood, Mansfield, OH, native Peter Grogan, 37, was reportedly surprised Thursday to find that each and every one of his childhood insecurities remains in his hometown.

“I was heading down Marion Avenue, where Jeff Bilderman used to pick on me every day, and noticed that my old anxieties, fears, and constant sense of shame are all still here,” Grogan told reporters, marveling that the dozens of uncertainties that plagued him throughout his adolescent and teenage years were still thriving exactly where he left them.

“I haven’t been back for long, but it doesn’t seem like my timidity and self-doubt have changed even a bit. And it looks like my feelings of inadequacy are still going strong, judging by the fears of rejection that came flooding back when I walked past my old high school. It’s all exactly the same as it was almost 20 years ago.”

Grogan added that the one difference he could identify was that walking through his hometown now fills him with newly established insecurities regarding his financial situation, relationship with his parents, and own impending mortality.

Found @:,36955/


Peter traveled back to his past,

To a place where his fears amassed,

His memories flooded him fast.

It is something that’s hard to grasp,


The man thought of Jeff, who was bad,

He picked on Pete, making him sad,

And often times making him mad,

Jeff’s gone now but Peter’s not glad.


Peter’s still filled with anxiety,

After life in that society,

Which lacked any real piety,

But, was fill with impropriety.


Peter’s still quite insecure,

A state he shouldn’t endure,

He really should search for a cure,

Now that he is much more mature.


© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Turbulent Thinking Thwarted

Apple Employee

Apple Employee Fired For Thinking Different


Brent Barlow, 27, a software analyst and beta-tester at Apple Computer headquarters in Cupertino, was fired Monday for “thinking a little too different.”

Apple spokespersons said the firing was necessary because Barlow “consistently failed to adhere to the normal standards of conduct and daily routines expected of employees of Apple Computer.”

Among the floutings of convention cited in Barlow’s Apple employee file: developing a pulley system to store his mountain bike above his workstation, listening to Bob Dylan on his headphones while testing software, and taking barefoot walks around the Apple campus to “feel more connected to the creative energy of others.”

“It’s okay to think outside the box,” said Avie Tevanian, Apple senior vice-president of software engineering. “In fact, we very much encourage that sort of thing here at Apple. But in Mr. Barlow’s case, he went just a bit too far.”

Barlow was first written up in September 1996, when he was cited for “unprofessional and inappropriate personal modifications to his workspace.” In addition to taped-up pictures of Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Einstein and R. Buckminster Fuller, Barlow painted a large red question mark on the side of his monitor, scanned and displayed a non-approved desktop screen image of Jim Henson, and replaced his computer’s trademarked Apple system beep with a snippet of the John Lennon song “Imagine.”

“I like to explore problems from unusual angles,” said the ponytailed Barlow, cleaning out the desk he has occupied since joining Apple in 1995. “And being in a free-form environment of my own creation really helps me get in the right frame of mind.”

Barlow’s most recent formal write-up came last Thursday, when his team supervisor caught him doing a headstand.

“I was stuck on this bug I discovered in the new Mac OS X system software that Apple’s developing. No matter what I tried, nothing worked,” Barlow said. “So I thought to myself, what I need to do is turn my whole approach to this problem upside-down. And what better way to do that than by standing on your head?”

In an effort to prevent such incidents of “excessive iconoclasm” in the future, Apple has developed a manual outlining the company’s rules and regulations regarding individualism. Permitted will be such unorthodox activities as removing shoes when seated or within four feet of a desk; whistling when given prior written permission from a direct supervisor; and kicking puddles, provided the kicking is conducted during one’s lunch hour and the puddle is one of the 35 on the Apple campus specifically designated for such a purpose. Prohibited will be such “gratuitously idiosyncratic” behaviors as singing out loud, flying kites and catching butterflies.

“Of course, we want our employees to be individuals and ‘do their own thing,’ so to speak,” Apple director of corporate communications Michael Landau said. “But Mr. Barlow’s behavior consistently crossed the line. If he wants to think that different, he can do it on his own time.”

Found @,773/


A man got fired for thinking,

Not for on the job drinking,

Or chauvinistic winking,

His heart is certainly sinking.


His thinking wasn’t the same,

He had only himself to blame,

He wasn’t too good at their game,

His firing is quite a shame.


He had his own frame of mind,

While working the daily grind,

Uniqueness is what he refined,

He is surely one of a kind.


He did things all on his own,

He wasn’t an Apple Corp. clone,

He’d stand on his head all alone,

Causing his bosses to groan.


His thinking just didn’t fit in,

Like hanging his two wheeled Schwinn,

Above his desk; oh what a sin,

Wearing his bosses’ nerves thin.


Though Barlow had lots of grit,

To them he was just a misfit,

It’s something he might admit,

But now he is going to split.


© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Pondering Parental Predicament



Homeless man


Homeless Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Parents




With a long-planned weekend visit from his parents looming closer, local homeless man David Ruffner told reporters Friday he has been scrambling to come up with things to do with his mother and father during their stay.

“I don’t know. I guess I can show them my spot under the bridge here, but that’s only going to kill an hour at most,” said Ruffner, 38, speaking loudly to make himself heard above the din of a train passing overhead.

“And of course I’ll give them a tour of the park where I sleep when the weather’s nice, and direct them toward a discreet place to defecate, but after that I’m gonna be a pretty boring host.”

Sighing in apparent resignation, Ruffner confirmed he would probably end up walking around the downtown area with his parents and maybe grabbing dinner from a restaurant dumpster.

Found @,29486/



There is a man without a home,

Among the cold streets he does roam,

Not sure if he owns any phone,

He worries if his folks will groan.


They don’t know of his situation,

Where his meals are always rationed,

Like many folks across the nation.

Will it cause them aggravation?


What will he do with his folks,

Tell them some sad homeless jokes,

While his campfire he does stoke,

With apprehensive poker strokes?


There isn’t much for them to see,

A railway bridge, perhaps some trees,

Or maybe the spot where he pees,

If his parents do agree.


Perhaps he’ll be a boring host,

Who cannot offer them a roast,

Or even a slice of morning toast,

Nor drinks to raise and make a toast.


He’ll grab dinner from out the trash,

Then he will make a rapid dash,

To be gone in a silent flash,

Since he hasn’t got any cash.


That’s the life he lives today,

He has no home where he can stay,

Nor job which can provide some pay,

The future is not bright; it’s gray.


© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: