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Costly Car Cuisine Causing Consternation


Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat

Psychotics across the country say car meat prices must go down or else the IRS will stop giving Tommy Lasorda hay fever.

WASHINGTON—

Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat, an essential staple of the lunatic diet.

“With the way prices are going up, there’s no way I can keep eating hatchback bologna every day,” said Ames, IA resident Milton Tannhauser, 37, noting that he had already taken out a loan from the television show Nightline just to make ends meet.

“Back when this was the greatest solar system in the country, I could buy a bucket of car meat for whatever gravel I had left at the end of the day—convertible chops, Volvo shanks, and those great station wagon sausages that they would deliver straight to the laundry hamper. But now, unless you’re pulling down the salary of a mall pope, it’s just too expensive.”

“And what are the Rockefellers doing about it?” Tannhauser added in a much softer tone of voice after guardedly peering to both sides. “Not a goddamn thing. It makes you wonder why we even went to war with the Pep Boys.”

Tannhauser’s story is all too common, as lunatics across the country have expressed dismay over the surging prices. Over the past 15 years, wildly unpredictable car meat prices have surged from negative four cents per pound of Jeep belly to a record high of 35 feet of aluminum foil for a single bite of slow-roasted Cadillac, and the completely psychotic are feeling the pinch.

According to top lunatic economists, over 4,300 percent of crazy U.S. citizens have had to forego vital expenses from shiny key rings to exactly 10 packages of peppermint Chiclets, just to ensure that they can afford the daily allowance of 17 pounds of car meat recommended by deranged nutritionists.

“I have 14 Barbra Streisands to feed, and having to sell my memories on Craigslist just to buy a Chevrolet sandwich isn’t helping,” Miami resident Yank Mutcherson, 793, shouted at a large outdoor concrete flower planter.

“The speakers installed in my ear are yelling sunup to sundown about ‘We want Hondaburgers! We want roast minivan!’ But thanks to the big shots at Lysol and Eastman Kodak, I’ve been stuffing less and less dinner into my coat pockets.”

Added Mutcherson, “It’s honestly enough to make a guy scream the name ‘Vanna White’ repeatedly until he gets kicked out of the library.”

As prices continue to climb, pressure is increasing on insane leaders to address the situation. A march last month on the National Mall in Washington was attended by an estimated four lunatics, who reportedly chanted and waved Halloween decorations as they marched in separate directions.

A scathing editorial in the Albany Screen Door–Tribune, the nation’s leading psychotic newspaper printed on used coffee filters, demanded that President Obama stop NASA from harvesting hair from every human while they sleep and instead put more car meat into lunatics’ stomachs and VCRs.

Other activists have vowed to stage hunger strikes, marry Melissa Joan Hart, or rip down any sign or placard beginning with the letter N until price controls are put in place.

However, help for the hungry and delusional may come in the form of H.R. 614, an aid bill drafted by self-proclaimed congressman Rep. Arnold Thermos. If passed, the bill would allocate $300 million a second for the purpose of distributing free car meat to any citizen who recites the instructions being broadcast by overhead power lines.

Funding for the bill would reportedly be raised by relaxing levels of the secret chemical in Mountain Dew that lets the Bureau of Weights and Measures track citizens’ bowel movements.

But such aid may be too little, too late for unhinged imbeciles like Jesus Christ of Bloomington, IN.
“In 1980 you could get a trolley steak for seven plastic bags, with a discount if Peter Frampton lives in your cigarette lighter,” Christ muttered to a reporter through a sewer grate. “This year my Thanksgiving dinner was a couple of electric scooter patties marinated in church juice. It just goes to know, to go, go, the go you show, whoa, my feet, William.”

Found @:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-lunatics-lament-rising-cost-of-car-meat,35046/

Hmmm…

People having cars for lunch?
Can you imagine the crunch?
You eat a Corvair,
You bite with much care,
For snacks iron’s something to munch.

They call their weird food car meats,
For them it’s a hardy meat treat,
There’s Fords and there’s Chevys,
The meat is quite heavy,
But it’s something that’s hard to beat.

They’re car meat prices are rising.
It shouldn’t be so surprising.
More cars on the road,
Less meat to unload,
Higher prices, they are advising.

They’re hoping for federal laws,
To help them in their dire cause.
Get meat prices down,
In every town,
So car meat can test their jaws.

Are these people some hard core nuts?
Who consume bolts and steel wheel nuts.
A muffler or two,
Some worm gears will do,
It must be quite hard on their guts.

You won’t catch me eating that stuff.
To me real meat is enough.
Give me a steak,
Not a disk brake,
That stuff is too tough, and too rough.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Lonely Liar’s Litany of Ludicrous Lies


BOSTON—

“While speaking with his mother over the phone Monday evening, sources confirmed that 27-year-old marketing coordinator Daniel Hewitt lied about every single detail of his life in order to keep his parents from worrying about him.

Hewitt reportedly updated his mother with a litany of false information throughout the 18-minute conversation and, in an attempt to spare her from any distress, blatantly distorted the truth about his job, finances, social life, living situation, and overall level of happiness.

“Everything’s good here,” said Hewitt in the first of what would amount to over three dozen flat-out lies. “Work has been going well. It’s fun, and everyone at the office is really nice. I’m learning a lot.”

“I really love it out here,” Hewitt continued. “It’s great.”

Hewitt, who moved this past September from Bloomington, IL to Boston for a new job, is said to receive a phone call from home about once a week and has reportedly struggled to adjust to his new surroundings, feeling increasingly lonely and isolated. However, sources confirmed that the man who regularly questions whether he made a poor decision by relocating across the country has yet to report even one negative aspect of his life to his parents.

“My apartment’s great—it’s nice and big, so I have plenty of room,” said Hewitt, adding that his monthly rent is “pretty reasonable” and that he lives in “a really safe area” of the city. “Yeah, the heat works well, Mom—it’s nice and warm in here. And if there’s ever any problem, my landlord is very responsive and fixes things right away.”

“So, what have you and Dad been up to these days?” added Hewitt in a desperate attempt to steer the conversation away from himself.

According to reports, in order to prevent his parents from fretting about his financial situation, Hewitt vaguely claimed to be “making enough money” and “saving a little bit each month.” The 27-year-old went on to stress that he was in no need of any extra finances and neglected to mention that he currently has less than $400 in his savings account.

Hewitt, who has reportedly eaten frozen pizza for dinner four times this week and spends virtually every night after work zoning out in front of his television, then told his mother that he “started going to a gym recently.” Sources said that after he was asked about his company’s health care plan, Hewitt remained totally silent for several seconds before quickly muttering, “It’s good, really good.”

“I’ve made plenty of friends here in the last few months,” said Hewitt, reportedly doing his best to hide his congested voice so as not to alert his mother that he recently caught a cold. “I hang out with them all the time. We go out together and do all sorts of stuff. I’m definitely having a lot of fun.”

“I’m doing fine,” Hewitt added. “I’m really fine.”

Rather than explain that he spent the past weekend alone in his apartment sleeping until the late afternoon and then playing video games, Hewitt went on to say that he has “been seeing all the sights in Boston,” claiming that he has already visited a museum and that he went to a Bruins game the other week.

Fearing that she would discover the actual, authentic realities of his life, Hewitt then politely rejected his mother’s offer to come visit him, reportedly claiming that “now isn’t the best time, but maybe in a few months.”

“I’ll be sure to call you if I need anything,” lied Hewitt as the phone call drew to a close. “I actually have to get going, though. I have plans with some friends tonight.”

“Miss you, too,” added Hewitt quickly in his only moment of genuine honesty.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/27yearold-lies-about-every-single-aspect-of-his-li,34382/

Hmmm…

A young guy just keeps on lying,

To keep his mother from crying;

He’s having bad luck,

In a town where he’s stuck,

Without work it’s certainly trying.

 

He says he is doing okay,

When he calls his mother each day;

The weather is fine,

He’s got money to dine,

He’s certainly willing to stay.

 

Boston is where he is dwelling,

Making up lies that he’s telling;

Nothing is wrong,

Is his daily song,

Lying has gotten compelling.

 

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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