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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 12th, 2015


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Good day fellow stargazers.

Welcome back to another untimely edition of Your HORROR – Scope.

This week’s rendition includes, Her Majesty,  The Queen of England, and Sir Paul McCartney, so perhaps you’d better stand and bow for this week’s readings.

Don’t stress out.

It’s not all formal.

The carefully crafted readings also include ants, a bisexual, and gnomes.

 Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is rising now and isn’t happy about it. That means trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Dream Like An Ant For Fun and profit.” You will only sell a few copies to entomologists, and one to Dennis Miller.” Depression will take over your life.

Taurus… Mars is in its third house waiting for a Realtor who will never show up. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “What To Name Your Gnome”. You will only sell a few copies to gnome collectors and psychiatric patients. You will become morose over it.

Gemini… Neptune is on the cusp of Gemini now and wants no part of it. That foretells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will act as someone’s beard, and later experience a close shave while confined in a Spanish Prison.

Cancer…Mercury is in its ninth house taking out the trash. It hates taking out the trash. That’s bad for you. In the not too distant future, your enemies will squeeze you into a juice box.

Leo… Saturn is in its ninth house having the lawn replaced. It isn’t going well after crabgrass was discovered. That’s definitely bad for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you are the sixth Beatle. Sir James Paul McCartney will sue you.

Virgo… Venus is in its ninth house having the furniture replaced after a flood. They delivered the wrong divan and she’s furious. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will buy a golden retriever only to find out later that it isn’t pure gold, just gold tone.

Libra… Pluto is suffering from frostbite now. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will become depressed when you can’t decide whether to wear a hard hat or a helmet to a formal function hosted by the Queen of England.

Scorpio… The Sun is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. It wants to be trine with it. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you should call a Realtor and immediately buy by a bayou.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is square with Sagittarius now. It hates being square. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will spend all your time standing near a bi-plane, a bison and a bisexual who only speaks in binary numbers.

Capricorn… Mars is trine with Capricorn now and is upset over that for some unknown reason. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will slip on a slip of paper near a boat slip in Islip and cut your lower lip.

Aquarius…Pluto is square with Aquarius but wants to be on the cusp so it could aggravate it. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will donate blood to a blood bank, but it will be someone else’s blood. You will be arrested for bank fraud and theft of blood without a license.

Pisces… The Earth is in its ninth house having some bathroom tile replaced. It isn’t going well since the handyman used the wrong grout. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will be arrested after you train a woodpecker to use Morse Code, to tap out out obscenities to Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 5th, 2015


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Hi, friends of the solar system.

Here is your exclusive report for this week.

Our predictions range from scabbards to salmonella to sphincters.

One of them may apply to you.

Read on and find out.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is trine with Aries now and nearing the cusp. That isn’t a good sign. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “Shrug Your Way To Success”. You will only sell a few copes to some politicians, and Dennis Miller.

Taurus… Uranus is behind in its orbit and trying to catch up. That’s never good. Someday you will spend all your time and money when you open a uniform shop specializing in Franco-Prussian war clothing and equipment. It will fail and you’ll be stuck with boxes of shoulder boards, scabbards and Franco-Prussian phrase books.

Gemini… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars now. That foretells problems for you. One morning in the future, you’ll be grossed out when you find 144 rotten eggs in your bed. Yuck!

Cancer… Venus is askew of Cancer now. Askew isn’t good for you. In the future, for some unknown reason, you will be compelled to dig a tunnel using just a funnel. Good luck with that.

Leo… Pluto is in jail for fraud. It tried to pass off its own drawings of Mickey Mouse as original Walt Disney work. That isn’t good. In the future, you will be the talk of the animal world when you become a personal assistant to an aardvark.

Virgo… Saturn is rising too quickly and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. One day soon you will have the uncontrollable urge to doodle poodles while naked in Times Square, New York. You will do it. You will be arrested for drawing poodles without a license.

Libra… Neptune is in its third house cleaning up Pluto’s dog droppings. It’s not happy about that. That portends problems for you. In the distant future, you will languish with lonely langoustines in Langley.

Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp of Scorpio but is yearning to be square with it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend all your time teaching pigeons how to smile. You will never succeed, and be shunned by everyone due to the smell of bird droppings embedded in your skin.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in its third house now cleaning up after a water leak. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will open a restaurant called, A Taste of Salmonella. Of course, it will certainly fail due to the name you insisted upon. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Mars is descending now and about to be confronted by Mercury. That isn’t good. In the future, your enemies will be successful in their attempt to upload you to the cloud. Let us know how that works out.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its fourth house having costly plumbing repairs done. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will spend many years researching and writing a book called, “How To Make Your Sphincter Smile”. It will become your life’s work but you’ll never finish it.

Pisces… The Earth is in its fifth house cleaning up after a meteor storm. That’s always a bad sign. In the not too distant future, you will bond with a vagabond and spend the rest of your life traveling the rails in open boxcars. You will eat only wild plants and insects, and drink muddy water.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 15th, 2015


 

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Welcome to the only free, horrorscopic prediction service in existence (on this planet).

To our weekly listeners we say, thanks again for tuning in.

Yes we, know, we ended the last sentence with a preposition. We knew we’d do that. It was in the stars.

We are proud and happy to present this week’s list of the latest readings of the orbs in our solar system.

They range from mimes, to minds, to the Mafia.

We hope you will survive.

Until next week, good luck!

Aries… The Moon is stargazing at the moment and is blinded by the light. That’s not very good for your sign. In the not too distant future, no one will know or recognize you after your identity is stolen. You will spend the rest of your life trying to get it back. In the meantime, you will exist as a generic person in a town named Whoville.

Taurus…Mercury is nearing the cusp of Taurus now. That spells trouble. In the future, you will become convinced that you can make a fortune being a “con artist”. However, you will not make any money because no convict will allow you to do a sketch or portrait of them. Too bad.

Gemini… The Sun is in its fifth house and the house catching on fire. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will be shocked when you are shackled in a shack by shock troops. Let us know how that works out.

Cancer… Mars is in its third house waiting for a Realtor. He’s running late. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will spend all your time and money writing a book called, “A Guide To The Bathrooms Of The Rich And Famous”. You will sell only one copy each to Robert Osborne, and Ben Mankiewicz. You will then realize that you have flushed all your money down the toilet.

Leo… Venus is on the cusp of Leo now. Leo doesn’t like it, and that means trouble for you. In the future, you will be arrested by The Barber Patrol for trying to shear a shepherd without a license. You will be held without bail until your trial. The judge will not like your sheepish grin and sentence you to five years of grazing. Sorry.

Libra… Neptune is in its eight house wondering why is has so many houses to contend with. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will attempt to train your dog to be a mime. He won’t like it. As a result, he won’t speak to you for the rest of his life.

Virgo… Jupiter is now aligned with Mars and Mars isn’t happy about it. That will bring you trouble. In the distant future, you will become a proofreader for all Mafia and Cosa nostra publications. The families will take care of you, and prison won’t be so bad.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio but wants to be square. That foretells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop a fear of laughter, thus avoiding all possible humorous situations, but not The Dennis Miller Show.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in in jail now awaiting trial for drunk orbiting. That’s not good for you. Let’s hope you like war stories, or doggie tales, because one day in the distant future you will become infatuated with a vegetarian veteran or a professional veterinarian who drives a corvette like a bat out of hell. Either way it will be a stressful situation.

Capricorn… Saturn is busy shepherding its rings now. They aren’t cooperating. That means trouble for you. Not long from now, someone will poke you in your mind’s eye. It will be painful and injure you. You will spend many years in rehabilitation with a specialist called an Opthobrainiac.

Aquarius… Pluto is descending now and is getting a nose bleed. That isn’t too good for you. In the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that marzipan and mouse hair are the answer to all the world’s problems. A team of psychiatrists will tell you they agree with you, just long enough to have you committed.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces at this time but wants to be trine with it. That’s spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop an inflated ego and eventually end up as a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It will be day of freezing rain, and wind. Your tethers will break and you will soar into the upper atmosphere becoming a stationery satellite.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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