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Posts tagged ‘The Zodiac’

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 6th, 2014


astrology

Hello friends of the future.

Once again we are serving you a plethora of portents.

The charts indicate something unusual and spectacular.

The planets are aligned just right.

We haven’t seen these kind of readings in years.

Hold on to your hats.

Looks like all of you will become famous authors.

So, get your writing instruments ready to go.

We hope you won’t forget us at Horror-Scope Central once you are in the money and living the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is trine with Aries now, but will soon be on its cusp. Apparently, you will be harboring many, many felines. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Hairballs”.

Taurus… Jupiter is aligning with mercury at the moment. There’s a lot of work to do ahead. In the future, you might become rich and famous when you write and produce a horror film called, “The Creeping Underwear”.

Gemini… Saturn is rising now and nearing the cusp of Gemini. We’d like to see the results of this. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “The History of the Future”.

Cancer… Neptune is in retrograde now and doesn’t like it. Get plenty of printer ink. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Recycle Yourself For Fun And Profit”.

Leo… Mars is descending while in retrograde status. Wow, this will be a smelly situation. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Creative Carcass Carving For Cash”.

Virgo… The Moon is trine with Virgo now. Let there be light. In years to come you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Candelabras”.

Libra… The Sun is in opposition to Libra at the moment. Ouch. We can feel your pain. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Belly Flopping For Fun And Profit”.

Scorpio… Pluto is square with Scorpio now and is delighted. This heavenly idea could make you a millionaire. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Choose The Right Divining Rod”.

Sagittarius… Uranus is rising now and is getting nauseous. We’d like to get a copy of this masterpiece. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Put Sizzle In Your Sidekick Or Dennis Miller”.

Capricorn… This could get depressing. Well to be honest, it will get depressing. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Self Loathing For Fun And Profit”.

Aquarius… The Sun is square with Aquarius now. Get you sea legs in shape. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Captain A Ship Of Fools”.

Pisces… Mercury is in its fifth house washing windows. In the not too distant future you will become involved in heavy equipment, prompting you to write a bestseller called, “How To Take The Drudgery Out Of Dredging”.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 29th, 2014


astrology

Welcome friends.

Ready for another week of pain? (Well some of you.)

We have another variety of prognostications for you.

Looks like many of you will become famous authors.

Write on!

And, enjoy the week if that’s possible.

Aries… The Earth is trine with Aries now and it feels good about that. Sorry. This will make a lot of tiring work for you. You will invent and produce, “The Happiness Parade”, but no one will show up for it. Not even you.

Taurus… The Moon is square with Taurus at this time. We are not sure if either prediction will bring you pleasure. You will soon find yourself surrounded by creatures, or preachers. It is unclear at the moment
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Gemini… Pluto is in its ninth house having new drapery installed. Just between us friends they look horrible. Let’s hope you like eggs. You will write a bestseller called, “Omelet Tossing For Fun And Profit”.

Cancer… Uranus is suffering from a sinus condition at the moment. You may need to see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor after this. You will make a fortune after you write a bestseller called, “Creative Screaming”.

Virgo… Venus is deliberating about changing orbit. We don’t know the consequences of that, if it should happen. You may want to invest in a lot of air fresheners. You will make a fortune after you write a bestseller called, “Fish Licking for Fun And Profit”.

Libra… Mars is laughing like crazy at this time because the rover is in its tickling zone. We’d like to see a copy of your endeavors. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Fringe Farming For Fun And Profit”. Please let us know how it is going.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. You may just end up in Egypt doing research for this project. You will write a bestseller called, “How To Make Money Marrying Mummies”.

Sagittarius… Saturn is trine with Sagittarius and also descending now. Poor, poor you. We already feel your pain. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Live Life In A Rut”.

Capricorn… The Moon is in opposition with Capricorn at this time. In the near future you will witness a quick brown fox jump over a lazy dog. Then the fox will go straight for your throat.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its ninth house changing light bulbs to those new, twisty ones. I guess it wants to go green. You just might lose a lot friends over this (assuming you have any friends). In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Be A Pest With Lemon Zest”.

Pisces… Neptune is tuning up for a celestial concert. We suggest you take slow and even breaths. In the near future, you will awaken to find yourself suspended in thin air which will later change to thick, hot, and humid air that will make you quite uncomfortable. Then you will vomit on Dennis Miller.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 22nd, 2014


astrology

Greetings lovers of the future.

We offer you another round of prognostications on topics ranging from pentagrams to the Post Office.

We urge you to be on the alert when necessary.

The planets are prone to plotting predicaments for us.

Enjoy yourselves and have a good week in spite of any future difficulties which may come your way.

Aries… Mercury is rising now and is getting light headed. In the future you will write a bestseller called, “How To Meander With Mucus”.

Taurus… Uranus is in its fifth house cleaning up after a water leak. In the near future, you will suffer from pent up emotions in a penthouse after drawing pentagrams.

Gemini… Neptune is on the cusp of Gemini at the moment. In the distant future, you will be arrested for socking a Sockeye salmon in Saco, Maine.

Cancer… Venus is in its fourth house polishing the silverware. Get ready to scratch yourself all over. Soon you will become extremely familiar with burlap, and perhaps Dennis Miller wearing a wool suit.

Leo… Mars is square with Leo at this time but wishes to be trine with it for some unknown reason. You should be aware of this. Your enemies are plotting to use you like a doormat.

Virgo… The Earth is in opposition to Virgo at the moment. Get ready for some complaints from everyone you know. You will soon be dependable as a weather forecast.

Libra… The Sun is on the cusp of Libra now. In the near future, you will meet someone completely enchanting named Channing. But, you will soon grow tired of their constant chanting.

Scorpio… Saturn is descending at this time and is worried it won’t stop in time. Be totally aware of everything around you. Your enemies are planning to paint a target on your back.

Sagittarius… Neptune is trine with Sagittarius now. Bring some tissues with you at all times. In the near future, you will bawl in a ballroom after losing a valuable ballpoint pen.

Capricorn… Mercury is in opposition to Capricorn at this moment. You will soon buy a hound’s-tooth jacket infested with fleas. And…it will bark all night, and leave little buttons all over the floor.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its second house getting it ready for a new renter. This could be serious. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to mail you to The Dead Letter Office.

Pisces… Pluto is on the rise right now and ready to go. You will have a confrontation with an unstable stable boy while discussing his instability.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 15th, 2014


astrology

Here we are again good people of Earth.

It’s time for another rendition of Your Horror-Scope brought to you in living color.

It brings a variety of spot on predictions ranging from frogs to bumper stickers.

Isn’t life exciting?

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in its eighth house wondering why it has eight houses. You will soon discover that a sledge hammer can be a real deal breaker.

Taurus… Mercury is nearing its cusp of Taurus and is getting nervous about it for some unknown reason. You will soon encounter some children’s togs, or aggressive frogs. It isn’t quite clear at this time.

Gemini… The Gemini twins are constantly arguing at this time over how to decorate their seventh house. Get your writing instrument ready. In the near future, you will make a fortune after you write a bestseller called, “How To Make Cash From A Rash”.

Cancer… The Moon is trine with Cancer now but wants to be on its cusp for unsavory reasons. You should really pay more attention to your vital organs. Soon your unseen spleen will be mean because it feels you neglect it too much.

Leo… Mars is rising fast and it’s getting dizzy. Get ready for a visit to an ophthalmologist. Soon your eyes will become very itchy, then they will become very twitchy.

Virgo… The Sun is in its fourth house cooking for some dinner guests. Get out a good cook book. You will soon marinate a very unsavory character in your life.

Libra… Venus is trine with Libra but square with itself. You should have some first aid supplies with you at all times. In the near future, you will be mauled in a mall by a mysterious mammal or, Dennis Miller. It could go either way.

Scorpio… Pluto is on the cusp of Scorpio but wishes it was trine. We hope this works out for you in the end. Sometime soon you will experience something inferior in the interior of your posterior.

Sagittarius… Saturn is descending now due to some mild depression. This is one magnificent obsession. One day, you will become obsessed with your idea to find chain smokers by using your metal detector.

Capricorn… Neptune is in its eighth house replacing the dish washer. Be especially alert at this time. Your enemies are planning to dissolve you.

Aquarius… The Moon is square with Aquarius at this time. Someday your cleverness will be apparent. In the future you will publish a bestselling bumper sticker which will say, “My heart belongs to my donor”.

Pisces… Venus is on the cusp of Pisces and is very excited about it for unknown reasons. Get ready for a surprise gift. You will soon get a statuette or an ornery, wet pet. It could go either way.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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