The charts have shown peculiar arrangements suggesting there are animal encounters in your future.
Aries… The moon is in opposition to Uranus. You will dance in a tutu with a tortoise in Tribeca.
Taurus… Mercury is trine with Mars. You will be harassed by a leg of lamb searching for some mint sauce.
Gemini… Pluto is in its fourth house having a house warming party. You will awaken to find yourself doing a swan dive into a sumo wrestler.
Cancer… Venus is in her second house having it fumigated. You will be inclined to coddle crazed cattle in the country in a Corvair convertible.
Leo… Mars is on the cusp with Mercury’s fourth house. You will find yourself belittling a blundering blow fish in a birdbath.
Virgo… The Earth is in sync with the second moon of Neptune. You will have a recurring dream of marching monkeys in mukluks.
Libra… Saturn is rising now after it’s leg fell asleep. You will be pecked on your posterior by a pouting penguin in Dennis Miller’s pajamas.
Scorpio… Neptune is not happy about its position with the Earth. Your illicit affair with a marmaduke will make Yahoo headlines.
Sagittarius… Mercury is in a favorable position in its third house. You will be pestered in Peru by a priggish pig in a pink pork-pie hat.
Capricorn… Uranus is on the cusp with Jupiter’s second moon. You will have the overpowering urge to cluck like a chicken while eating chunky clam chowder in Chinatown .
Aquarius… Mars is waning now. You will fall for a funky featherless fowl in the Fall.
Pisces…The moon is waxing now after a nice ride through the car wash. You will get into a brawl with a brutish British bouncer in a black beret.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”