Here is your weekly treasure trove of celestial treats.
The stars and planets are up to their usual surprises.
We are sure you can endure whatever presents itself.
Aries… Neptune is on the cusp of Mars now. You will awaken to find yourself in a buffet line…as a covered dish.
Taurus… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury at this time. You will become interested in an interesting interloper.
Gemini… Venus is on the cusp of Gemini now. Stop bragging. Getting Kelsy Grammer’s autograph won’t make you an English major.
Cancer… The Sun is square with Cancer at this time. You will get the sniffles at the most inappropriate times this week.
Leo… Saturn is aligned with Leo at the moment. You will be locked in a closet over night with a boring insurance salesman.
Virgo… Atlas, a moon of Saturn, is rising now. People will definitely see your point this week, so keep it covered.
Libra… Pluto is on the cusp of Libra at this time. You will be trapped in a revolving door with a revolver and/or Dennis Miller. It could go either way.
Scorpio… The love of your life will be a rich and famous Greek named Eucalyptus Bronchitis.
Sagittarius… The Earth is in its seventh house now. You will be approached by a tree hugger or a mugger. It could go either way.
Capricorn… Uranus is trine with Capricorn this week. Your glands are planning a surprise party for you, so be available on Thursday. Act surprised.
Aquarius… Mercury is on the cusp of Aquarius at this time. The police will soon be at your door looking for an overdue library book, or a fugitive crook. The charts aren’t very clear on that.
Pisces… Our moon is square with Pisces now. A bank teller will reject you based on account of NSF (Non Sufficient Fun).
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”