Hello again my friends of fortunes.
Another week has flown by.
Unfortunately, it crashed and burned.
We’ve worked the charts over, and they’ve given us their best.
Too bad, their best isn’t good enough.
This week’s agenda includes: gherkins, Smokey Bear, and the ever popular, Seven Dwarves.
Aries… Saturn is in high transitional mode now. That is not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will open a nail salon where are you will trim peoples toenails with hedge clippers. Lawsuits will follow. You will lose a lot of money.
Taurus… Mars is in high substantive mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of gherkins, girth, and/or Garth Brooks. You will rarely leave your home, kind of like Dennis Miller.
Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini and on the cusp of Mars. That’s a terrible sign for a Gemini. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to be Avuncular For Fun and Profit”. Only a few social scientists we’ll buy a copy. You will not be happy with that outcome.
Cancer… The Moon is in its seventh house getting its heating system inspected. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day in the future, you will be famous on Broadway for your nut roll. However, your fame will be short lived. Depression will set in.
Leo… The Sun is in its lower quadrant now and in opposition to Leo. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Lean Forward For Fun and Profit”. Only a few fast walkers will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.
Virgo… Uranus is in ultraphasic mode now. That is not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will find yourself having difficulty memorizing the names of the Seven Dwarfs. Eventually, you will wind up sleepy, grumpy, and dopey.
Libra… Mars is in opposition to Libra and at odds with it. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. Keep a close eye on your bones this week. Your enemies are planning to disarticulate you.
Scorpio… Pluto is in super dimensional mode now. That’s a bad sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you are going to find a lot of money in those slacks you haven’t worn in months. The cash will be useful during your next Monopoly game.
Sagittarius… Saturn is in tri-gencial position now. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. Soon your friends and family will think you’re strange when you constantly vibrate at a high frequency.
Capricorn… The Earth is in bi-modal mode now. That is a bad condition for a Capricorn. Things will go terribly wrong when you invite Smokey Bear to a barbecue that goes terribly wrong. As a result, he will not hug you. Afterwards, you will be sad.
Aquarius… Venus is in semi-transitional mode now. That is a terrible sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused when you try to decide whether to buy elevator shoes or escalator shoes. The whole idea will drive you batty.
Pisces… Neptune is in di-verticular mode now. That is not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “Gathering Gussets For Fun And Profits”. Only a few gusset collectors will buy a copy. You will not be pleased over the outcome.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh