CAUTION…Read this at your own risk!
The Onion News Reports the Following…
Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob
WASHINGTON—
According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.
“At the Centers for Disease Contraction, we are always looking for ways Americans can get sick and spread their illnesses effectively,” said CDC Director Dr. Benjamin Campbell, adding that by sucking on doorknobs citizens could increase their chances of acquiring infectious diseases and bacterial illnesses by 450 percent.
“So if you aren’t currently suffering from the common cold or the flu, we urge you to find a doorknob in a high-traffic area, place your mouth on it, and begin sucking. Suck on it for five minutes, stop, spit on your fingers, and then rub the contaminated saliva into your eyes and nose. Then breathe on as many people as possible. Repeat this process upwards of 10 times or until you experience fever, nausea, or sharp stomach pains.”
“This is an excellent way to make yourselves susceptible to numerous illnesses including acute gastroenteritis, toxoplasmosis, and trachoma,” Campbell continued. “Please, suck on dirty doorknobs. This is your health we’re talking about.”
Saying that their goal is to keep pathogens inside the body as long as possible so they are able to do as much damage as possible, Centers for Disease Contraction officials noted that the more bacteria, fungi, and viruses that enter the digestive system, the more likely it is for an individual to acquire a debilitating urinary tract infection, tuberculosis, or even mumps.
While the report didn’t say it was absolutely necessary, it strongly recommended “group spit mixing,” in which 15 to 20 individuals stand around one single doorknob—preferably on a McDonald’s or Starbucks restroom door—and take turns sucking on it.
If a doorknob is not immediately available, the CDC said Americans could also suck on subway car poles; subway car seats; boots; pets; discarded cigarette butts; sidewalks, specifically in places where gum is stuck to the ground; rabid animals; garbage; scuzzy pond water; dirt; sauce-splattered plates; the open sores of bed-ridden sick people; and welcome mats.
“If one wants to lick the inside of a fireplace for several hours in order to contract a high fever that leads to prolonged vomiting, that’s also okay, just as long as it’s a fireplace that hasn’t been cleaned in over 20 years and has a lot of cobwebs inside of it,” said a glassy-eyed and visibly pale CDC official. “We just know that doorknobs are readily accessible, and we want Americans to feel as if the contraction of harmful diseases can be easy and quick.”
Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/centers-for-disease-contraction-urges-americans-to,34422/
Hmmm…
They want you to suck on a knob,
Leave spit on it just like a slob;
Once you get your fill,
It will make you ill,
Your heart will just flutter and throb.
A restroom knob may be the best,
Open wide; let germs do the rest;
Bacteria abound,
On knobs all around,
Not sure? Just put it to the test.
In time you will be a hurtin’,
Like something from old Tim Burton;
Swap spit, lick a seat,
The floor holds a treat,
It may be your final curtain.
This story just may be a hoax,
A cruel and horrible joke;
Who wants to die?
Is the human cry,
Lick a knob and you may just croak.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
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Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
Cautious Cultural Contact
Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor
PITTSBURGH—
In an unprecedented encounter with a culture heretofore shrouded in mystery, Northco Logistics customer service specialist Ryan Barlow reportedly established historic contact Wednesday with the people who work on his office complex’s fourth floor.
“I met this guy Kevin who said they’d been having the same problems with the air conditioner we’ve been having,” said the 28-year-old explorer in reference to the peaceful words of greeting he exchanged in the elevator with an inhabitant of QuestTech Learning Solutions, a meeting that to this point had been considered far too perilous to be undertaken.
“He also said they had some leftover food and cake from his coworker’s birthday and that we could stop by if we wanted. He seemed very friendly.”
Though admitting that no one had yet dared journey so far, the intrepid adventurer then regaled his colleagues with the legend of the remote and uncharted seventh floor, where there was rumored to exist a vast open layout and, according to lore, a ping-pong table
Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/trailblazing-colleague-makes-historic-contact-with,36311/
Hmmm…
He met someone from another floor,
Something not seen before,
It wasn’t much of a chore,
He did establish rapport.
He is a history maker,
This company risk taker,
It wasn’t a deal breaker,
But maybe a hand shaker.
The man offered Ryan some cake,
Perhaps while he’s on his break,
An offer he might just take,
There wouldn’t be too much at stake.
Will Ryan do it again?
Risking some personal pain,
For some sociological gain.
Will his friends think him insane?
There are legends of things in that place,
Like floors with vast open space,
Maybe work done at a slower pace,
It’d be nice if that was the case.
It was a major breakthrough,
Something some others may do,
On higher floors with a good view,
Perhaps they’ll meet someone like you.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
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