Hello again dear friends.
Welcome to another edition of Your HORROR-Scope.
We are happy to report (according to emails we have received) that this weekly list of predictions now has an accuracy of over 99.99% (if you disregard the 99.99% of wrong predictions).
For those of you who are new to this publication, I am obligated to warn you of something. This isn’t your run of the mill (or mill of the run) Pollyanna horoscope your Aunt Millie turns to each day while reading the morning paper. This is a HORROR-Scope. There’s no sycophantic folderol going on here. This is real life being foretold for your reading pleasure.
Enough of that.
This week’s palaver (check that word out) involves sharks, dust, and of course, aardvarks.
Once again, we hope you can cope!
Aries… Jupiter is in opposition to Uranus now. That’s never good. In the future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “The Proper Use Of A Truss”. You will only sell a few copies to some weight lifters. You will lose everything and become depressed. Sorry.
Taurus… Venus is in perihelion and square with Taurus now. That portends problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. Life will become miserable for you. Too bad.
Gemini… The Earth is in hexelion position at this time. That’s never good. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will see a watchmaker because you think your biological clock isn’t working right. You will be laughed out of the place. Hmmm…
Cancer… Neptune is in its fifth house now, getting rid of fleas after a recent visit by Pluto. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will open an Italian restaurant called, “Pus-Ta Primavera”. Your restaurant will feature pasta, with a hint of pus. It won’t be open long when the board of health find out about it. You will lose everything.
Leo… Mars is in trisential mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “How To Overcome Your Fear of Dust”. You will only sell a few copies to neat freaks and obsessive-compulsive people. Sorry about that.
Virgo… Mercury is in its third house now. It’s upset because it had to evict the tenants who trashed the place. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to pawn you for some quick cash. The pawnshop owner will throw all of you out. You will become depressed over that.
Libra… The Sun is in its seventh house now after a fire damaged the place. It’s very upset over that. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months, and much money researching and writing a book called, How To Overcome Your Fear of Tear Ducts”. Only a few Ophthalmologists, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose a lot of money and respect. Sorry.
Scorpio… Saturn is considering bankruptcy at this time because it cannot make the payments on its fifth house. That’s not good. Someday, you will be known for you habit of walking down the street with an aardvark under each arm. You will be harassed by local animal rights groups who will make your life miserable.
Sagittarius… Mars is on the cups of Sagittarius now and trine with it. That’s never good for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “How To Bring Nature Back Into Denatured Alcohol”. You will lose everything when only a few nutty scientists, and Weird Al buy a copy.
Capricorn… The Moon is hexagonal to Capricorn now and in opposition. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will discover that your enemies are planning to use you as bait in a shark hunting expedition. You will spend many subsequent months in hiding.
Aquarius… Uranus is in trimonal mode now and in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not good. In the future, you will be shocked to see photos of your face on a calendar…from the mid-1800’s. That’s weird. Let us know how that works out for you.
Pisces… Pluto is upset by the recent fly by of that U.S. probe. That’s bad for you. Someday, you will succumb to your desire to become a dental hygienist specializing in shark’s teeth. You will eventually suffer from the bends. Sorry.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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