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astrology

This is the week for fun, fear, and treats.

Here is our special edition of, Your HORROR-Scope, for Halloween week.

The stars took a weird turn this year.

They offer you some scary situations to deal with.

It’s time to get your coping caps on.

Try not to scream too loud.

Enjoy…

Aries … Uranus is going on a hunting spree this week. This is bad for you. You will dress as a nun for Halloween and call yourself a creature of habit. Then you will be desecrated.

Taurus…Saturn is in its eighth house decorating for a Halloween party. On a future Halloween night, you will have the idea that you can scare children by doing the Boogaloo. Unfortunately, you will begin to pirouette and screw yourself into the floor.

Gemini… Mars is out buying candy for Trick or Treat night. Be sure to wear clean underwear this week. A creepy Halloween creature will scare the pants off you. It could be Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp of Cancer. It’s also in its fifth house practicing goblin gestures. This is not good. You will make a scary costume (entirely of gold) and call yourself Freddy Krugerrand. However, you will be hijacked and locked in a vault.

Leo…The Sun is going to a Halloween party dressed as the Moon. This portends terrible things for you. You will not be happy when a neighbor carves your pumpkin with an AK-47.

Virgo… The Moon has decided dress as a cheese ball for Halloween. That’s not very creative. It means a bad week for you. Your friends will tell you to hit the road when you arrive at a Halloween costume party dressed as a travel trailer with a blocked toilet. Yuck!

Libra…Mercury is threatening to crash a Halloween party because it wasn’t invited. This is terrible for you. A crazed witch will change you into an acorn then send you to a forest full of squirrels.

Scorpio… Pluto is going to a Halloween party dressed as Mickey Mouse. Get ready for a major shun. You will not please your neighborhood kids when you hand them small bags of sugar coated chicken feathers as treats.

Sagittarius… Venus is having an anxiety attack over what to dress as for Halloween. This may be organic, but it’s nasty. You will be shocked when you are suddenly shucked in a corn maze by a Colonel.

Capricorn… Uranus is square with Capricorn at this time. That’s not good. You’re going international. Your friends will be confused when you arrive at a costume party dressed as Venezuela. Then, you will be attacked by rebels who want to overthrow you.

Aquarius… Mars is going to decorate the Mars Rover for Halloween this year. That’s horrible for you. You will not know which way to turn this week. Your blood will boil when a mad witch throws you into a hot cauldron. Let’s hope you like to simmer.

Pisces… Jupiter is in its fifth house arranging cobwebs. It’s a bad sign. You will be highlight of a Halloween party when you go dressed as a street lamp. Unfortunately, a “lady of the evening” will stand next to you all night soliciting business.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


couple

Study: Marriages Between Perfectly Matched Couples Should Still Only Last About 15 Years

ORLANDO, FL—

In a new study released Friday that challenges contemporary notions of marital satisfaction, researchers at the University of Central Florida found that unions even between perfectly matched couples should only last around 15 years.

“Contrary to the traditional idea of ‘until death do us part,’ our findings indicate that partners compatible in every way should nevertheless be married no longer than a decade and a half,” said lead researcher Dr. Hank Grossman, adding that the physical and emotional intimacy of marriage is “more or less fully depleted” by the 15-year mark, even among two people who could not have found a better fit than each other.

“The data suggests that the most personally fulfilled, satisfied couples—those who consider their partner their soul mate—choose to part ways before codependency or feelings of entrapment emerge. It’s fair to say that any marriage lasting more than 15 years is almost certainly a product of serious dysfunction.”

Grossman added that 15 years was the uppermost limit, and that two people who were truly meant to be together may exhaust their relationship in half that time.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-marriages-between-perfectly-matched-couples,37215/

Hmmm…

Divorce after fifteen years,

Could bring most couples to tears,

When they realize their fears,

That they’re like all their peers.

 

Even with the best soul mate,

Found on their first blind date,

A breakup will be their fate,

A marriage they won’t reinstate.

 

A study made it clear,

The results are quite severe,

It’s nothing to be cheered,

Their love will disappear.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


astrology

Welcome friends.

As we creep closer to Halloween, we have notice an increase in creeps creeping about.

What does this mean for all of us?

It means we should all have a greater awareness of our surroundings.

In addition, we should arm ourselves with the latest anti-creep technology like Creep Defender, which is a high voltage stun gun designed to locate, then relocate, all crazed creeps in a five mile radius. It also works on zombies. You can find one at Creep Control Inc. or, Creeps.com the web. But hurry, supplies are limited.

 Oh, if you can’t find the site, you aren’t looking hard enough. I don’t have the link because it changes every three seconds. Don’t ask me why. Good luck with that.

This weeks predictions run the range from prancing to porcupines.

 Enjoy…

Aries… The Moon is in Cancer at this time and is anxious to get home and have a drink. You may just like this prediction. In the not too distant future, you will prance and dance but without pants. You will be arrested for indecent exposure and, for frightening small children and animals.

Taurus… Saturn is in its second house getting it ready for new renters. This foretells legal action. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to petition the World Court to make the Animal Kingdom form a democracy.

Gemini… Mars is on the cusp of Gemini now. This will keep you busy for a while (years in fact). In the not too distant future, you will set out to make a documentary proving that bears do not use toilet tissue in the wild when they relieve themselves. The bears will seek privacy and not cooperate. You will end up with a bare bottom.

Cancer… The Sun is in its fifth house making preparations for Halloween. It’s having a hard time. It keeps burning up the decorations. Get ready for some quick cash. In the distant future, you will earn extra money by renting out parts of your brain for scientific study.

Leo… Pluto is resting after a harrowing week of howling at the Moon. This is not good for Leos like you. Sometime in the not too distant future, you will buy a Kindle or get swindled. Either way you’ll be out out some cash.

Virgo… Mercury is in its third house having a backed up toilet fixed. This sends mixed signals for you. In the distant future, you will find yourself in an oven, or in a coven. It’s not clear. It could get hot either way, especially if the witches build a bon fire.

Libra …Neptune is rising now and is a little light headed. This will make you have strange thoughts. In the near future, you will mistakenly believe that eating duplicating toner will make someone a copycat. You may be right.

Scorpio … Jupiter is trine with Scorpio now. This will bring out the animal instinct in you. In the distant future, you will befriend an aardvark that will reveal the secrets of the animal kingdom to you. You will be disappointed when you find out there is no pork in a porcupine.

Sagittarius … Venus is descending now at an alarming rate. This is not good for you. Sometime in the future, you will either get a shock form a hair drier, or burnt by a deep fat fryer. Either way it will be painful.

Capricorn … The Earth is trine with Capricorn now, but it wants to be in opposition for some unknown reason. This foretells a quest for better health. Sometime in the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that furniture polish holds the secret to a long and healthy life. You will have the shiniest colon on the planet, just like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius … Uranus is in its seventh house having the rugs cleaned. This portends good and bad news for you. In the not too distant future, you will become rich and famous with a bestseller called, “How to Daydream At Night”. However you will flitter your fortune away on a daybed.

Pisces… Saturn is trine with Pisces now. This portends a musical experience for you. In the future, you will open a sheet music store for songbirds. The place will soon become a health hazard. It will be closed, due to smelly, bacteria laden droppings. The molting season will be a disaster for you.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


parrot

TORRANCE, Calif. (AP) —

A pet parrot that spoke with a British accent when it disappeared from its home four years ago has been reunited with its owner — and the bird now speaks Spanish.

The Daily Breeze reported Sunday (http://bit.ly/1qU5dU3) the reunion was brought about by a Southern California veterinarian who mistook the African gray parrot for her own missing bird.

Teresa Micco tracked Nigel’s microchip to Darren Chick, a Brit who lives in Torrance.

Little is known about Nigel’s whereabouts the past four years, but Chick says the bird’s British accent is gone and it now speaks Spanish.

It’s the fifth parrot reunion facilitated by Micco, who has been running ads for her own missing bird for nine months.

Found @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/13/missing-parrot-comes-home-speaking-spanish_n_5978152.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

Hmmm…

A parrot had suddenly vanished,

When it returned it could speak Spanish,

Missing four years,

That brought lots of tears,

Did it return cause it was famished?

 

The bird is an African Gray,

The pet suddenly went astray.

The owners were sad,

But now they are glad,

Let’s hope Nigel’s now home to stay.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


astrology

 

Hello good folks of Horror-Scope land.

Well, we are one week closer to All Hallows Eve.

Hopefully you are making preparations for the event as you read this.

If not, we suggest that you do.

After all, you don’t want to find yourself pumpkin-less or candy-less.

So be a good scout and be prepared.

Based on the latest scientific observations, and chart readings by two turtles and a tadpole, this week’s offerings takes us from bras to burlyness.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is on the cusp of Aries now. For some reason, it is nervous about that and is taking Xanax. That’s not good for you. Take note of this. In the not too distant future, you will try to play the guitar, but you will fret over the frets. That’s as far as you will get.

Taurus…Venus is upset over a speeding ticket it got from the Solar Police. It may just consult a space lawyer about it. This isn’t the best of scenarios for you. In the future, you will buy a truck, run out of luck, then get stuck when you run amuck.

Gemini… Mercury is suffering from mercury poisoning at this time. This is bad for you. Now hear this. In the future, an earwig will do a percussion solo on your eardrum. You’ll eventually call the police when the drumming keeps you up all night, but they won’t be able to do anything about it.

Cancer… The Moon is in its seventh house rearranging some moon landing souvenirs it has collected. Get ready to meet an historical figure, with a figure. In the future, someone shapely, named Cleopatra will patronize you in Patagonia on St. Patrick’s Day. Let us know how that turns out.

Leo…The Sun is getting ready to shoot another solar flare. This usually isn’t too good. This one’s for the birds. In the future, a seasoned seagull will make you truly gullible, after it poops on you. There must be something in those droppings.

Virgo…Mercury is descending now and isn’t happy about it. This isn’t good for you. It will cause the designer in you to awaken. In the future, you will have the urge to change all polkadots into a new design called, polka-squares. You will be ridiculed for it.

Libra…The Earth is square with Libra now. Gather some cash. In the future, you will bring a sports bra to a sports bar to watch sporting events with you. The bra will insist on betting on its favorite teams. You will lose a lot of money.

Scorpio… Uranus is in its fifth house talking to a boring insurance salesman. This is bad, really bad. Get ready for some solar activity. In the distant future, you will blindly make the mistake of starting a staring contest with the sun. Aye Yai Yai. You’ll lose big time.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in its second house writing a proposal for a zoning change. This isn’t the best situation for you. Can you cluck yourself to success? Probably not. In near the future, you will apply for a position as a chicken feather inspector at a pillow factory. If you accept the job, you will eventually sneeze yourself into oblivion.

Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. This isn’t too good for you. Prepare yourself for some odd looks and a lot of weird comments. In the not too distant future, you will get confused and refer to Gatorade as an animal rescue service.

Aquarius… Neptune is in its third house now, having some new lighting installed. This is not good. Be prepared to do nothing. In the future, you will become extremely lethargic in Rapid City. This could lead to serious muscle atrophy, and a desire to listen to Dennis Miller on the radio.

Pisces… Jupiter is in counseling for a gambling habit. That’s not good. Be prepared to create a masterpiece. In the future, you will spend a year or more writing a book called, “How To Be Burly For Fun And Profit”. It will not get many good reviews. Your profit will be about $1.39.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


Hospital

Patient Spent NINE Hours In A Cupboard Because Hospital Wards Were Full

Great Britain -

Ian Semmons, 65, was disturbed throughout the night by apologetic nurses needing medical supplies.

A patient suffering from a serious infection spent nine hours in a hospital storeroom because all wards were full.

Ian Semmons, 65, was stunned when a porter told him he was being taken to a “cupboard” for the night. He was repeatedly Disturbed by nurses retrieving bandages, dressings and other kit from the cramped room.

When questioned about the worrying incident, the hospital’s chief executive Anna Dugdale admitted she wouldn’t want her mum to be treated there.

Dad-of-two Ian, who served as a panel member on the General Medical Council for 11 years, said: “This just isn’t good enough. I’d be embarrassed if I was in charge of this hospital. They called it a treatment room, but it served as a storage area and the room had no windows and only had bright lights. The nurses were coming in quite often and were very apologetic They had to move my bed at times to get to the supplies. The fact they gave me a complaints form when I arrived on the ward shows the situation is totally out of control.”

Ian was admitted to the £229 million Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital after suffering an infection following a routine procedure. He spent four hours waiting for a doctor to diagnose the problem before he was finally admitted to the storeroom at 2.30am.

Ian, who set up the influential national charity Action on Pain, was only moved onto the ward when a space became available nine hours later. After 27 hours nil by mouth he underwent surgery to correct the cause of his infection.

Ian added: “I spent five days at the hospital before I was allowed to go home. I have had some excellent treatment in there and the treatment has been fabulous, but this incident shows that things are going wrong. The nurses on the ward were superb, but they were placed in an impossible situation.”

The 953-bed hospital was criticized in February 2010 when OAP Rhoda Talbot, 85, also had to spend a night in a storeroom.

Ian, of Shipdham, Norfolk, plans to complain to healthcare regulator the Care Quality Commission about his treatment on July 14 this year.

He added: “Four and a half years and they are still content to put someone in a cupboard or what they call a treatment room. “It is totally unacceptable and it is quite ridiculous. I’d have thought they’d have come up with a solution to avoid that in that period of time.”

Chief executive Ms Dugdale said A&E admissions have shot up from 54,000 in 2008/09 to 68,000 this year. She added: “I wouldn’t choose this for my mum, but I wouldn’t want her in the car park either. I would want her in the hospital. It’s really tough for everybody. We are not able to do everything we would like to do for every patient at the moment and that makes me very sad. Our ability to accommodate all our patients depends on how many people turn up and how many people we can get out of the back doors.”

A hospital spokesman said treatment rooms are used as extra bed space when hospital wards fill up. The dialysis unit and clinical teaching spaces are also used for overflow.

The spokesman said: “At the time that Mr Semmons came to hospital we were already fully occupied caring for other patients. We do not, however, turn away patients who need emergency admission. If necessary, when all our wards are full and more patients need our care, we implement an escalation plan and care for patients in what are known as escalation areas. These are areas of the hospital that are not routinely used to accommodate patients but they allow us to safely care for all the patients needing our services.”

Found at :

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/patient-spent-nine-hours-cupboard-4401702#ixzz3FbzzuzFO
Hmmm…

Kept in a cupboard all night,

It must have been quite a fright,

In a store room,

Among mops and brooms,

It certainly wasn’t all right.

 

There was no room in the ward,

So another place was explored,

It wasn’t the best,

For a place to rest,

But that’s where he had to be stored.

 

He spent nine hours in there,

And nobody seemed to care,

Disturbed in his bed,

Soon word of it spread,

It was really too much to bear.

 

The old man was really ill,

He couldn’t be cured with a pill,

Upon an inspection,

They found an infection,

The battle was surely up hill.

 

An operation took place,

But not in that tiny space,

The docs cured the fellow,

While drugs made him mellow,

Their work was his saving grace.

 

The papers shortly got word,

Incompetence was inferred,

With great admonitions,

About the conditions,

Which really should not have occurred.

 

The officials said what they said,

They didn’t have sufficient beds,

The wards were all full,

They weren’t being cruel,

A condition they certainly dread.

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


 App miles

Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What

LOS ALTOS, CA—

Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday.

“With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day.

“The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.”

Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/popular-new-exercise-app-just-tells-users-they-ran,37096/

Hmmm…

The Promiler app is now here,

It may cause some people to cheer,

It says you’ve run miles,

Which brings lots of smiles,

Then you’re ready to have a cold beer.

 

It tells you that you have just run,

It logs in the miles; oh what fun,

It’s something to get,

For miles to be met,

It tells all your friends what you’ve done.

 

It registers calories burned,

But not the applause that you’ve earned,

It’s something to try,

On health you rely,

So surely you should be concerned.

 

The device is designed to please,

You ran without even a wheeze,

The app does the work,

While you wear a smirk,

And dig in to burgers with cheese.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


astrology

 

 

Well, this is the month for horror, hobgoblins, and Halloween.

 We hope you are ready for it.

The stars certainly are.

The charts have revealed a whole new list of problems to worry about.

They range from art to Avon.

Go figure.

Enjoy…

 

Aries… Uranus is in its third house repainting. This can be electrifying. In the not too distant future, you will have the overwhelming urge to remove all protons from your body.

Taurus…Mercury is descending into a horrible funk now. You will become rich and famous for your bestseller, “101 Ways To Rub Onions On Your Bunions”, with a forward by Dennis Miller.

Gemini… The Sun is on the cusp of Gemini now. Tea for two? In the near future, you will have the urge to bifurcate on command.

Cancer… The Moon is in its second house now meeting with an Avon Lady. Get ready for some damp times. In the not too distant future, you will suddenly cry when your cloths do not drip dry. We don’t know why. Deal with it.

Leo… Pluto is square with Leo now. In the future, you will try, to look at the sky, with an evil eye, resulting in a sty.

Virgo… The Earth is in the second house vacuuming the rugs. You will suffer impetigo or vertigo while on the go in Kokomo.

Libra… Venus is trine with Libra now but wants to be square. Hmmm. Here’s a problem for you. In the future, you will either get scabies, or change diapers on babies. Either way the situation will stink.

Scorpio…Saturn is in its second house having some landscaping installed. You will need to buy a new toothbrush. In the near future, you will have the urge to show everyone your new overbite in your new underwear.

Sagittarius… Neptune is trending higher now. This causes confusion. In the distant future, you will lock you lips on many hips while on a trip. Could they be hippos? Who knows? Good luck with that.

Capricorn… Mars is in apogee at this time and is feeling nauseous. This portends love. In the future, you will meet an artist and develop a long, drawn out relationship, which you will later want to erase from your memory.

Aquarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Aquarius now. This portends travel for you. In the distant future, you will be plagued with the obsession to launch yourself into hyperspace.

Pisces…Mercury is aligned with Mars now. This isn’t good for you. Your enemies were planning to brainwash you, but now they want to send your brain to the dry cleaners. But, your brain won’t be ready when promised.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


Archeologist

Artifacts Discovered Buried In Washington D.C. Suggest Humans Once Passed Laws There

 

Archaeologists say the mysterious lawmaking civilization thrived in this region for generations before dying off suddenly.

WASHINGTON—

In a significant discovery that sheds new light on the region’s history, archaeologists excavating a site on Capitol Hill reportedly unearthed evidence this week suggesting that humans once passed laws there.

The team of researchers from the University of Maryland confirmed that it collected a wealth of writing implements and ancient documents, which appeared to indicate that, in earlier ages, approximately 500 humans assembled at a centralized location and worked as a group, with the apparent goal of creating a system of rules designed to govern behavior.

“Our finding that early inhabitants used to work toward the common objective of improving society through formal, cooperative efforts completely changes what we knew about the Washington D.C. region,” said lead archaeologist Peter Douglas, who expressed admiration for the sophisticated, self-sufficient civilization that once flourished along the banks of the Potomac River. “In fact, based on the sheer number of artifacts that we’ve unearthed, it appears this practice of law-crafting may have been their primary livelihood.”

“Apparently, these individuals engaged in this unusual behavior every day for years and years—it was just a normal, routine part of their lives,” added Douglas. “It’s remarkable to think that, for generations, thousands of laws were passed right where we’re standing.”

Archaeologists reportedly recovered more than 2,000 artifacts from the scene, including reams of yellowed parchment that bear such enigmatic phrases as “annual budget,” “joint resolution,” and “Civil Rights Act.”

Harvard University’s Vance Yeager, a paleolinguistics expert who examined the documents and attempted to reconstruct the past ways of life in Washington, told reporters that the evidence points to an extraordinary yet apparently common ritual in which early leaders who held opposing viewpoints engaged in a standardized routine of communicating, offering mutual concessions, and then moving together on an idea called an “agreement” that occupied some sort of middle ground between their two initial visions.

“It’s truly impressive when you stop and actually imagine that there once existed an entire culture devoted to doing little else aside from passing laws,” said Yeager, adding that the early regional inhabitants evidently employed their unconventional customs in an effort to improve nearly all aspects of their civilization, from reforming their organizational structures, to upgrading their facilities, to living comfortably within their means. “What’s even more striking is that this peculiar activity went on uninterrupted for years without their complex system ever halting or ceasing to function. It’s nothing short of astonishing.”

Despite what appear to have been generations of prolific law creation in Washington D.C., researchers said that the complete lack of any relics from more recent years confirmed that the practice seems to have died out suddenly and without any explanation.

“Our team has carefully cataloged and studied all of the artifacts that were excavated, but we are still unable to explain why the social structure fell out of favor and disappeared from the area,” archaeologist Jennifer Bloch said. “Perhaps the tragic decline of this once-common human activity was the result of a major conflict, a radical generational shift, general malaise, or a conquering band that invaded the region and displaced the practitioners of this curious and remarkable lawmaking culture.”

“All we can say for certain is that this ancient practice appears to have been lost to the ages,” Bloch added.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/artifacts-discovered-buried-in-washington-dc-sugge,36963/

Hmmm…

Archeologists have just found,

While digging into the hard ground,

There were congressmen all around,

Whose accomplishments were renowned.

 

There once was a place made for laws,

Where folks garnered lots of applause,

No argument over each clause,

Causing a lot of locked jaws.

 

The folks there cooperated,

As they daily debated,

Laws were duly created,

But now the action has faded.

 

That practice appears to be lost,

The warmth has turned into frost,

Communications are crossed,

At a tremendous cost.

 

They don’t know why things have changed,

Lawmaking these days is strange,

Perhaps they’ve become deranged,

Things need to be rearranged.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


Kerry

Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals

THE ISLE OF EMBERS—

With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across the island, sources confirmed that a solar eclipse occurred just in time Friday to stop imperiled U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry from being cooked alive by cannibals.

“See what you’ve done? I bring the darkness! I command the sun! I am a very powerful man!” Kerry reportedly shouted after quickly assessing the situation, causing the tribe’s shaman to cry out in fear and fall prostrate to the ground while several tribesmen hastily lowered the roasting spit on which they had been carrying the United States’ top diplomat toward a blazing fire.

“You cannot kill me, for I am a god! Release me now, and perhaps I will restore the light I have taken from you!” At press time, reports confirmed that the cannibals were reverently chanting the former Massachusetts senator’s name as they bore him on a luxurious sedan chair to a feast prepared in his honor.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/eclipse-comes-just-in-time-to-save-john-kerry-from,36788/

Hmmm…

Cannibals roasting John Kerry?

For him it must have been scary,

In addition to being contrary,

Making his entourage wary.

He’s lucky the sun went away,

Changing the outlook that day,

“I’m a god”, Kerry did say,

Fooling them was child’s play.

He told them he might give them light,

Ending the mysterious night,

To end the poor cannibal’s plight,

And improve their diminished sight.

After he used his quick wit,

They took him off of the spit,

Away from the burning pit,

To Kerry’s sole benefit.

After John’s status increased,

They gave him a wonderful feast,

Perhaps giving him roasted beast,

And soon after old John was released.

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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