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astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again dear friends.

Welcome to another edition of Your HORROR-Scope.

We are happy to report (according to emails we have received) that this weekly list of predictions now has an accuracy of over 99.99% (if you disregard the 99.99% of wrong predictions).

For those of you who are new to this publication, I am obligated to warn you of something. This isn’t your run of the mill (or mill of the run) Pollyanna horoscope your Aunt Millie turns to each day while reading the morning paper. This is a HORROR-Scope. There’s no sycophantic folderol going on here. This is real life being foretold for your reading pleasure.

Enough of that.

This week’s palaver (check that word out) involves sharks, dust, and of course, aardvarks. 

Once again, we hope you can cope!

Good day.

 

Aries… Jupiter is in opposition to Uranus now. That’s never good. In the future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “The Proper Use Of A Truss”. You will only sell a few copies to some weight lifters. You will lose everything and become depressed. Sorry.

Taurus… Venus is in perihelion and square with Taurus now. That portends problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. Life will become miserable for you. Too bad.

Gemini… The Earth is in hexelion position at this time. That’s never good. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will see a watchmaker because you think your biological clock isn’t working right. You will be laughed out of the place. Hmmm…

Cancer… Neptune is in its fifth house now, getting rid of fleas after a recent visit by Pluto. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will open an Italian restaurant called, “Pus-Ta Primavera”. Your restaurant will feature pasta, with a hint of pus. It won’t be open long when the board of health find out about it. You will lose everything.

Leo… Mars is in trisential mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “How To Overcome Your Fear of Dust”. You will only sell a few copies to neat freaks and obsessive-compulsive people. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Mercury is in its third house now. It’s upset because it had to evict the tenants who trashed the place. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to pawn you for some quick cash. The pawnshop owner will throw all of you out. You will become depressed over that.

Libra… The Sun is in its seventh house now after a fire damaged the place. It’s very upset over that. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months, and much money researching and writing a book called, How To Overcome Your Fear of Tear Ducts”. Only a few Ophthalmologists, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose a lot of money and respect. Sorry.

Scorpio… Saturn is considering bankruptcy at this time because it cannot make the payments on its fifth house. That’s not good. Someday, you will be known for you habit of walking down the street with an aardvark under each arm. You will be harassed by local animal rights groups who will make your life miserable.

Sagittarius… Mars is on the cups of Sagittarius now and trine with it. That’s never good for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “How To Bring Nature Back Into Denatured Alcohol”. You will lose everything when only a few nutty scientists, and Weird Al buy a copy.

Capricorn… The Moon is hexagonal to Capricorn now and in opposition. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will discover that your enemies are planning to use you as bait in a shark hunting expedition. You will spend many subsequent months in hiding.

Aquarius… Uranus is in trimonal mode now and in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not good. In the future, you will be shocked to see photos of your face on a calendar…from the mid-1800’s. That’s weird. Let us know how that works out for you.

Pisces… Pluto is upset by the recent fly by of that U.S. probe. That’s bad for you. Someday, you will succumb to your desire to become a dental hygienist specializing in shark’s teeth. You will eventually suffer from the bends. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“To know what you don’t know is to know it. You know?”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back stargazers, and freshmen hazers.

This week’s selection of predictions range from rodeo clowns to pink eye.

We hope you can cope.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is discombobulated right now and doesn’t like it. That means trouble. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but that medium will eventually become depressed. Then you will become depressed. Let us know how that works out.

Taurus… Uranus is in declination now. That’s always bad for a Taurus. In the future, you will have a case of pink eye just after you evolve into a white rabbit. You will be hounded after that. Sorry.

Gemini… Pluto is becoming paranoid over a rumor it’s heard, that its enemies are planning to neuter it. That’s not good. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown two more elbows. You will try surgery, but the doctors will make a mistake and transplant knee joints on your arms. You will walk out of the hospital on your hands. Later, you will have a Side-Show career.

Cancer… The Earth is not happy about the recent one-second change in Earth Time. That’s not good. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. It will be painful. Sorry

Leo… Mars is in financial trouble now due to excess spending. Mercury refuses to lend Mars any more money until it pays back the previous loan. That’s spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turn into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but you ‘ll be unsuccessful. Eventually he will hog-tie you. Then he will depart.

Virgo… The Moon is peri-helial conjunction now. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future, you will fall in love with a Rodeo Clown named Amos. That’s no bull! Unfortunately he will take you to work on one of those, “Take Your Friend To Work” days, and you’ll be gored. Too bad for you.

Libra… The Sun is tri-hexular to Libra at the moment. It’s always a bad sign for Libras. In the future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates, then figs, then prunes. After a while, people will avoid you because of your peculiarities. You’ll become depressed. Sorry.

Scorpio… Saturn is having another ring cleaning at the moment. It isn’t going well. In the future, you will run into many doors, or suffer from multiple saddle sores. It isn’t clear. In either case, it will be painful. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius… Mercury is disjointed at its peri-hedral at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive, or flashed by a flash drive. You won’t be happy about either experience. Too bad for you.

Capricorn… Venus is in angular declination at this time. That foretells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Curt For Fun And Profit”. You will sell just one copy to Dennis Miller. You will not be happy about the whole experience. Sorry.

Aquarius… Jupiter is being cross-pollinated by an asteroid at the moment and doesn’t like it. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Coddle For Fun And Profit”. You will spend all your money on the project with little return. Sorry.

Pisces… Once again, Uranus is petitioning the Solar Court right now to have its name changed because of all the stupid jokes about it. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months, and lots of money, researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Vague For Fun And Profit”. Only a few politicians will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

That’s it folks!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there dear friends of tomorrow, and days after that.

Once again we were hard at work scanning the charts in search of the best of the best prognostications to make your lives a little better.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any.

So here we are again with another round of problems for you.

They include aardvarks, corn pone, and of course, knife juggling.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in its second house after a break-in by solar bandits. It’s upset. That isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “Where To Park Your Poultice”. Only a few hypochondriacs and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose money on the venture. Sorry.

Taurus… The Earth is in regression now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the somewhat distant future, you will research and write an interactive book called, “How To Teach Your Aardvark To Polka”. Only Weird Al will buy a copy, but he will sue you when he finds out you used his music without permission. Too bad.

Gemini… Mercury is rising so fast it’s getting a headache. That’s never good. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will use a marker to connect the pimples on your face to outline an obscene object. You will be arrested for being in public with an obscene object drawn on your face. The fine will be a hefty one.

Cancer…Venus is in its second house trying to fix a water leak. It isn’t going well. That’s bad for you. In the not too distant future, you will lose many friends after you win a garlic-eating contest at a county fair. Whew!

Leo… The Sun is in its ninth house discussing a zoning violation with the Solar Police. That’s bad for you. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will add you to a corn pone mixture. That won’t be fun or tasty. Sorry.

Virgo… Neptune is descending into a funk at this time. That’s never good for a Virgo. Someday, in the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “How To Brighten Your Life By Playing The Fife With Someone Else’s Wife”. That will prove disastrous when readers get caught in the act. They will sue you for all you’ve got. Too bad.

Libra… Saturn is in its second house regarding a solar rat problem. That’s not good for you. Someday, in the far future, you will research and write a book called, “Knife Juggling Blindfolded For Fun And Profit”. Only a few circus performers, will buy a copy. You’ll lose everything on that venture.

Scorpio… Pluto is alarmed over the recent attention it’s getting paranoid. That’s never good. In the distant future, your enemies will try sell you at a garage sale. No one will buy you, and you’ll become depressed over that.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now and isn’t happy about it since Mars snubbed it at a recent party. That’s not good for you. One day, a mad scientist will kidnap you and make you his minion. It won’t go well for you in the lab. Sorry.

Capricorn…The Moon is adjacent to Capricorn now and it’s nervous about that for some reason. That spells trouble for you. Someday, in the far future, you will encounter a computer that’s a main frame or have a near miss by a Maine train. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Aquarius…Mars is in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s never a good sign. In the not too distant future, you will be arrested for jostling someone named Jocelyn. You will spend the night in jail with some very disturbing people. You will do a lot of screaming.

Pisces… Uranus is descending so fast, it’s getting overheated. That’s never good. In the future, you will convince yourself that there really is an Umpa-Lumpa Land. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it. You will become penniless and depressed.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again serious solar scanners.

This week’s prognostications are as weird as ever.

They include gravel, guile, and perhaps a smile.

I hope you enjoy them in spite of their repercussions.

Good day.

Aries… The Moon is adjacent to Aries and feels awkward about it. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will think you are clever when you come up with the question, “What’s the shelf life of a shelf?”. You will present your query to everyone you meet. People will think you’re odd. They will avoid you at all costs. So sorry.

Taurus… Uranus is feeling queasy from a sudden descent toward Taurus. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that using substrate can solve the world’s problems. No one will believe you. You will become depressed. Sorry about that.

Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury now and doesn’t like it. That will bring you problems. One day, you’ll go ­stir crazy when your electric beaters stop working. Life will become unbearable. You’ll eat out more often and gain much weight. You’ll become bottom heavy and wobble a lot.

Cancer… Mars is on the cusp of Cancer now but wants to be trine. That’s never a good sign. Someday you will either take a nasty tasting pill, or meet someone revolting named Phil. We’re not sure. Good luck in either case.

Leo… The Sun is getting over a gas attack and is not feeling well. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will consume loads of sugar to overcome bitter tears. You will gain fifty pounds, and lose all your teeth as a result. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Venus is faltering at the moment. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will do something awful with isopropyl. You will be arrested for the improper use of a chemical in a “No Wake” zone. Sorry.

Libra… Mercury is aligned with Jupiter at this time. It doesn’t like that alignment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Grovel With Gravel”. Outside of a few construction workers, no one will buy the book. You’ll become depressed.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its fifth house trying to get warm. The heat isn’t working. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will you’ll meet a lawyer named Louie or a liar named Larry or a lying lawyer named Lefty. In any case, you will befriend him. He will embezzle all your money. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius now but isn’t happy about that for some reason. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will be accused of guile when you wear your favorite argyles. People won’t trust you. You will become depressed over it. So sorry.

Capricorn… Saturn is waning now. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the future, you will pull out your hair in despair when you can’t decide what to wear in order to scare. What a dilemma! You will be not be happy.

Aquarius… The Earth is trine and in opposition to Aquarius at this time. That always spells trouble. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Savor Sauerkraut For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to German Chefs, and one to Dennis Miller. Oh well.

Pisces… Mercury is on the cusp of Pisces but wants to be square. That’s never good for a Pisces. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “Fighting Fire With A Fickle Ficus”. Only a few arborists and a Forest Ranger will buy a copy. You’ll suffer from angst afterwards. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Anger is always a waste of energy.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day friends of the future.

I’m happy to announce that this is my 500th post on Humorous Interludes thanks to you all out there!!!

Another week has flown by leaving feathers of frustration in its wake.

Hopefully you endured the wrath of the stars thus far.

This week’s collection will only bring more trouble for you.

If you are up to it, read on.

Aries… Mercury is descending and in opposition to Aries. That always brings trouble. Your enemies are planning to dangle you, or mangle you. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Taurus… Mars is in its third house now having new flooring installed. The installer found termites. Mars is upset. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will become nauseous and/or cautious over something dreadful. I hope you can cope.

Gemini… Jupiter is in its fourth house now for a scrabble game with its moons. Jupiter is stuck with only vowels. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will meet a hobo named Lobo. You will befriend him. Later you will lend him a large sum of money. He will disappear, and never pay you back. You will become a hobo yourself and ride the rails in search of Lobo who will have become a millionaire (using your money) living in Tahiti.

Cancer… Venus is descending into a profound depression. That always spells trouble. In the future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. Only a few dentists and a side show performer will buy a copy.

Leo… The Earth is in its ninth house fixing a roof leak. The place is a mess and Leo is upset. That’s always bad. In the future, you will become so weak you won’t even be able to raise your blood pressure. Too bad.

Virgo… Pluto is in its fifth house repairing a sewer problem and it isn’t going well. That will bring you problems. You will try to scam a cereal company by complaining that you found a live platypus in you cereal box. They will have you arrested for fraud. You will serve several months in jail where they will serve the same cereal. Is that Karma or what?

Libra… Neptune is in its fourth house cleaning the toilet. It hates doing that. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will become so guilt ridden you will confess to beating eggs.

Scorpio… Venus is in retrograde at this time and nearing the cusp of Scorpio. That position always spells trouble. In the future, you will discover someone you know, in Kokomo, who plays the banjo. You will become infatuated with the banjo player only to lose all your money in a pyramid scheme run by the musician.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in Sagittarius now but wants out. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “101 Uses For Pneumatic Jaws”. Only a few kinky firefighters, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy.

Capricorn… The Sun is upset because cloud cover obstructs its vision of the Earth. That’s terrible for you. In the future, you will deliberately shock yourself on a Telsa coil to energize your body. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Aquarius… Uranus is in the market for another house. It’s upset over rising prices. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will urge someone you love to name their child after, The Hoover Dam, but they won’t be comfortable with Dam. They will scorn you for the suggestion. Later, they will compromise and name their child, The Hoover Darn.

Pisces… Mars is in its fifth house with an insurance salesman. It isn’t too happy about the increase in home insurance rates. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will have an ultrasound, which will fall on deaf ears.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“A dark soul produces evil.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day fellow stargazers and situational appraisers.

Here’s this week’s list of problems for you, courtesy of your solar system and the handy dandy work of two humans.

One is moi, the other is a new comer.

I just added a wonderful and exciting new twist to our weekly endeavor.

It’s none other than the famous (at least in certain parts of France) Madame Mystère, a psychic with credentials that would make the haïr on the back of your neck rise up and salute her.  In fact, she single handily solved the case of the Clever Qumquats.  

So, read on my dear friends and enjoy (if you can).

Aries… Jupiter is aligned with Pluto now and that spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will be given a tranquilizer or an atomizer. In either case, you won’t like the outcome. Sorry about that.

Taurus… Saturn is descending and in opposition to Taurus now. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will develop pouchy jowls to store food for the winter. You’ll be shunned by friends and co-workers who will think you look odd. They’ll call you “Chippy” (short for chipmunk).

Gemini… The Moon is in Gemini now and it’s going to get hot and uncomfortable. That’s never good. In the distant future, you will get recognition from the Guinness Book for the world’s longest nose hairs. Unfortunately, you will trip over them and sprain your ankle.

Cancer… The Sun is trine and in opposition to Cancer at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will be burned by a sunflower’s solar flare. Ouch!

Leo… Mercury is in its third house cleaning up after a party. It’s a mess. That will bring problems for you. In the future, you will encounter something generic or something barbaric. In either case it won’t be pleasant. Sorry about that.

Virgo…   Neptune is adjacent to Virgo now, but wants to be trine, (which is a better position). That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will be thought odd when you try to determine the combination to a warlock. Have fun with that.

Libra… Venus is in its fourth house now polishing the silverware. It hates polishing silverware. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will roll your own cigarettes…uphill. You’ll get very tired. You’ll then check yourself into a rest home where you will be molested my mole crickets.

Scorpio… Mars is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition. That’s s always a bad sign for you. In the not too distant future, someone will either domesticate you or castigate you. It could be Dennis Miller. You won’t be happy about either attempt.

Sagittarius…The Earth is in its eighth house doing some laundry. It hates doing laundry. That will bring you problems. Someday, you will stub your toes while listening to Stubby Kaye. Ouch!

Capricorn… Uranus is rising now and is grouchy about something. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will get painful sunburn when you grow sunflowers without using any sun blocker.

Aquarius… Neptune is in court over a sexual harassment case involving Venus. It doesn’t look good. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, your will enemies will try to sugar coat you and feed you to some ants. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Pisces…Pluto is in its fifth house to get shelter from a solar dust storm. The dust is getting in from a broken window. Pluto isn’t happy about that, which portends problems for you. Someday, your relatives will think you creepy when you become engaged to a vampire bat. Let us know how that works out.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

 


 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Life can be a rat race, so have lots of cheese on hand.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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