Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…


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Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“You will never find a pearl of wisdom in an oyster.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day fellow stargazers.

Welcome back to another untimely edition of Your HORROR – Scope.

This week’s rendition includes, Her Majesty,  The Queen of England, and Sir Paul McCartney, so perhaps you’d better stand and bow for this week’s readings.

Don’t stress out.

It’s not all formal.

The carefully crafted readings also include ants, a bisexual, and gnomes.

 Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is rising now and isn’t happy about it. That means trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Dream Like An Ant For Fun and profit.” You will only sell a few copies to entomologists, and one to Dennis Miller.” Depression will take over your life.

Taurus… Mars is in its third house waiting for a Realtor who will never show up. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “What To Name Your Gnome”. You will only sell a few copies to gnome collectors and psychiatric patients. You will become morose over it.

Gemini… Neptune is on the cusp of Gemini now and wants no part of it. That foretells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will act as someone’s beard, and later experience a close shave while confined in a Spanish Prison.

Cancer…Mercury is in its ninth house taking out the trash. It hates taking out the trash. That’s bad for you. In the not too distant future, your enemies will squeeze you into a juice box.

Leo… Saturn is in its ninth house having the lawn replaced. It isn’t going well after crabgrass was discovered. That’s definitely bad for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you are the sixth Beatle. Sir James Paul McCartney will sue you.

Virgo… Venus is in its ninth house having the furniture replaced after a flood. They delivered the wrong divan and she’s furious. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will buy a golden retriever only to find out later that it isn’t pure gold, just gold tone.

Libra… Pluto is suffering from frostbite now. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will become depressed when you can’t decide whether to wear a hard hat or a helmet to a formal function hosted by the Queen of England.

Scorpio… The Sun is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. It wants to be trine with it. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you should call a Realtor and immediately buy by a bayou.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is square with Sagittarius now. It hates being square. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will spend all your time standing near a bi-plane, a bison and a bisexual who only speaks in binary numbers.

Capricorn… Mars is trine with Capricorn now and is upset over that for some unknown reason. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will slip on a slip of paper near a boat slip in Islip and cut your lower lip.

Aquarius…Pluto is square with Aquarius but wants to be on the cusp so it could aggravate it. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will donate blood to a blood bank, but it will be someone else’s blood. You will be arrested for bank fraud and theft of blood without a license.

Pisces… The Earth is in its ninth house having some bathroom tile replaced. It isn’t going well since the handyman used the wrong grout. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will be arrested after you train a woodpecker to use Morse Code, to tap out out obscenities to Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Don’t just redecorate your old rut. Get out if it.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi, friends of the solar system.

Here is your exclusive report for this week.

Our predictions range from scabbards to salmonella to sphincters.

One of them may apply to you.

Read on and find out.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is trine with Aries now and nearing the cusp. That isn’t a good sign. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “Shrug Your Way To Success”. You will only sell a few copes to some politicians, and Dennis Miller.

Taurus… Uranus is behind in its orbit and trying to catch up. That’s never good. Someday you will spend all your time and money when you open a uniform shop specializing in Franco-Prussian war clothing and equipment. It will fail and you’ll be stuck with boxes of shoulder boards, scabbards and Franco-Prussian phrase books.

Gemini… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars now. That foretells problems for you. One morning in the future, you’ll be grossed out when you find 144 rotten eggs in your bed. Yuck!

Cancer… Venus is askew of Cancer now. Askew isn’t good for you. In the future, for some unknown reason, you will be compelled to dig a tunnel using just a funnel. Good luck with that.

Leo… Pluto is in jail for fraud. It tried to pass off its own drawings of Mickey Mouse as original Walt Disney work. That isn’t good. In the future, you will be the talk of the animal world when you become a personal assistant to an aardvark.

Virgo… Saturn is rising too quickly and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. One day soon you will have the uncontrollable urge to doodle poodles while naked in Times Square, New York. You will do it. You will be arrested for drawing poodles without a license.

Libra… Neptune is in its third house cleaning up Pluto’s dog droppings. It’s not happy about that. That portends problems for you. In the distant future, you will languish with lonely langoustines in Langley.

Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp of Scorpio but is yearning to be square with it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend all your time teaching pigeons how to smile. You will never succeed, and be shunned by everyone due to the smell of bird droppings embedded in your skin.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in its third house now cleaning up after a water leak. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will open a restaurant called, A Taste of Salmonella. Of course, it will certainly fail due to the name you insisted upon. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Mars is descending now and about to be confronted by Mercury. That isn’t good. In the future, your enemies will be successful in their attempt to upload you to the cloud. Let us know how that works out.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its fourth house having costly plumbing repairs done. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will spend many years researching and writing a book called, “How To Make Your Sphincter Smile”. It will become your life’s work but you’ll never finish it.

Pisces… The Earth is in its fifth house cleaning up after a meteor storm. That’s always a bad sign. In the not too distant future, you will bond with a vagabond and spend the rest of your life traveling the rails in open boxcars. You will eat only wild plants and insects, and drink muddy water.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Sometimes, you just have to rely on your heart for a decision.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


 

 

old lady

Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death

PORTLAND, ME—

In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.

“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.

“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”

Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.

Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/senior-citizen-keeps-mind-active-by-contemplating,38311/

 Hmmm…

Evelyn contemplates death,

Taking her last living breath;

When is her last day?

Could it be today?

It seems to have shades of Macbeth.

 

She thinks of the ways she could die,

And the people who would surely cry;

She thinks of folks gone,

Those who have moved on,

She doesn’t look back and ask why.

 

She does it for mental agility,

She hopes it will help her abilities;

She thinks about dying,

Without any crying,

Death has its own grave futility.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can plainly see, we are back again with another rendition of your favorite weekly list of practical predictions.

You are eager to see what the planets have in store for you.

You want to find out what the future will bring.

Well, as usual, the future is not bringing you gifts of happiness and joy.

After all this is a HORROR-Scope.

This week’s bevy of badness includes a grass skirt, authorships, and something called, Magic Muffin Dust.

Enjoy, my little pretties.

Aries… Mercury is planning a vacation but has just found out that a solar storm will ruin it. That isn’t good for you. An injury, or courtroom perjury, is in your distant future. Either way it will be painful for you.

Taurus… Neptune is in its fourth house arguing with some tenants. That’s never a good sign. In the not too future, you will have your ups and downs when you get trapped in an elevator for thirteen hours, thirteen minutes, and thirteen seconds. You will be accompanied by thirteen hungry rats

Gemini… Mars is reclining now but feels nauseous. That spells trouble. Someday, you will float away into the sky after your cardiologist inserts helium filled balloons into your heart’s arteries during a balloon angioplasty.

Cancer… Saturn is in transit now through an unscheduled asteroid storm. It hates asteroid storms. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will run into a lawn mower while wearing a grass skirt, but you won’t get really hurt until you plow into the dirt. Ouch!

Leo… The Earth is in its third house changing all the light bulbs to more energy efficient types. It’s a lot of work and the Earth is not happy. That spells trouble for you. Not too long from now, you will experience blight in the middle of the night without a light, causing great fright. Let us know how that works out for you.

Leo… Jupiter is rising from a deep sleep and is disoriented. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will attempt to learn Spanish in order to impress some Spanish moss. It will never work out because you will never be able to get the verbs right.

Libra… Uranus is square with Libra now and that’s never good. In the not too future, you will spend years writing a bestseller called “The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pondering”. You will only sell a few (for a dollar) to wandering hobos, street corner beggars, and Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Venus is rising now and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. In the future, shortly after you get a degree in Criminology, you will begin a crime spree of your own. Of course you will get caught when you brag about how clever you think you were in covering up your foul deeds.

Sagittarius… The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That spells trouble for you. You will soon make an important connection and it will shock you. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Pluto is trine with Capricorn and is anxious about it. That foretells problems. Sometime in the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Lick A Lippizon”. Only a few horse trainers, and Dennis Miller, will buy it.

Aquarius… Mars is in opposition to Aquarius at this time. Opposition is never good for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Gauge Gullets For Fun And Profit”. You won’t sell a single copy.

Pisces… The Moon is on the cusp of Pisces now, but wants to be in its fifth house for a party. That combination is never good. One day you will awaken, convinced that a substance called Magic Muffin Dust will cure the world of all ills and evil. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Truth has its own brilliance.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello planet watchers.

It’s time for your weekly prognostication posting.

As usual, it foretells quirky problems.

The problem makers range from lemons to cherries.

We hope you can cope.

We want to see you back next week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is adjacent to, and square with Aries at this time. That’s not good for you. In the near future, you will become addicted to lemon zest. Because of that, you will only sing, hum, or whistle sour notes. Let us know how that works out for you.

Taurus… Uranus is in its first house trying to fix an electrical problem. The result will be shocking. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will either study the work of Zasu Pitts, or swallow some sour, cherry pits. Either way, it will cause you to gag a lot.

Gemini… The Sun is in transit now and nearing the cusp of Gemini. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will fail in your attempt to tame a vicious circle.

Cancer… The Moon is trine with Cancer at this time but wants to be square with it. That isn’t good. Someday, you will have the uncontrollable desire to revitalize and redevelop the concept of smell-a-vision. It won’t be a pleasant experience.

Leo… Saturn is accumulating solar ice now. That always makes it cold and wobbly. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will have the desire to become a Chiropractor for spiny lobsters. You will spend many hours holding your breath under water training for it, resulting in pruney, water logged hands.

Virgo… The Earth is making an unscheduled visit to its first house due to a faulty security alarm and that’s always bad. Someday you will eat a rotten onion, or suck on a bum’s bunion. Either way it will be disgusting. Let us know how that works out.

Libra… Mars is approaching the cusp of Libra now and doesn’t like it. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “Trivet Trivia”. Sales will be abysmal.

Scorpio… Mercury is in its fifth house trying to diffuse a serious issue with its neighbor. It isn’t working out. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to a band of roving dentists, and Dennis Miller.

Sagittarius… Venus is in its eighth house for a termite inspection. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day, you will make the decision to spend all your time, and lose all your money researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Arcane For Fun And Profit”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy it.

Capricorn… The Moon is square with Capricorn now and almost on the cusp. That’s always a bad indicator. In the distant future you will decide to skip work frequently to spend more “quality time” with your colon, which you’ve neglected for so many years. That will result in a loss of income, and many personal problems for you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is depressed because Venus refused to go on a date with it. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will find yourself madly cutting up apples, in search of your core beliefs.

Pisces… Neptune is about to fight a traffic ticket in court at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, a skeleton key, or a skeleton crew will frighten you. Either way you will end up wetting your pants over it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“One cannot possibly make a mountain out of a molehill.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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